We all have one. As painful as it is to admit. We all have a thing we are waiting for to come along and save us. Maybe it’s the idea of a perfect guy, maybe it’s the idea of a perfect job, but it’s this idea that is out there and everything will be happily ever after when it finally swoops in on its white horse and changes everything.
I think I just have this general idea of perfection and it is always outside of myself. I always feel like my problems will be solved by something else.
I worked in a corporate finance job for almost 5 years in my twenties. I was miserable. I rarely dated (my theory is that it was because I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that wasn’t me and I was so unhappy I wasn’t attracting anyone into my life). There were parts of the job I enjoyed and I made some great friends. And I wouldn’t know anything about retirement accounts if it wasn’t for that job or my innate talents for teaching a group.
When I became a personal trainer, I thought it would all change. I read the books. I believed that because I was following my passion and doing something I truly loved deep down that now everything would line up.
Money was extremely tight, but I knew that was all a part of the process. I met a guy about 6 months after I started. This is when I realized I would naturally attract people to me if I was happy in my life. And now I really thought that everything was changing for me. the universe was finally sending everything my way.
Little did I know that there is a bigger lesson. No job, no guy, no fairy godmother is going to save me. Those are all things outside of myself and they can change. The magic fairy dust wears off.
I dated the guy for 4 months and when I thought I was in love with him he didn’t feel the same and dumped me. In retrospect, I wasn’t in love I was just enamored with how he could take care of me with his steady engineering job and his predictable lifestyle. I thought it perfectly complimented my crazy life as a trainer where very little was predictable. I saw a partner that liked to take me out to nice places and would make me feel like a lady, and that must mean he wanted to take care of me.
And the job that I was so passionate about ended, too. When we chase anything as our savior we are putting in a tall order for the universe. No single thing is going to save me. Just me. It’s inside of me all along. The small quiet voice that leads me gently.
I thought that because they had all the outward qualities of what I thought I wanted that it would line up perfectly. The universe doesn’t work that way. Sometimes we have things in our lives to open our eyes an teach us a lesson.
What if all these years of me chasing after the guy I thought was perfect that I actually kept myself away from really great options that I never even saw? I was so distracted by this pull for what I thought I wanted that it never occurred to me that something really great was probably right around the corner, and just out of view for the moment. My stubbornness to attach to what I thought was the perfect answer may have kept me blocked from something really great that the universe wants to send me.
I’m working through my issues with control and letting go. I am realizing that I am taken care of by the universe and I already have what I need. Sometimes that means leaning into the thing that really scares me, even though my ego would much rather I attach my wagon to the dude with the really good job and I should take the corporate gig to make sure I have a steady income to take care of myself.
But what if that’s not the answer? What if it’s simpler than that?