Tiny Deaths and Rising Like a Phoenix


I pray for rebirth and surrender.

Let me back up and explain. I have been talking with a life coach and in our last session she made a small comment that sparked a tiny ember that has been growing into a flame.

She casually mentioned that money is one of the areas where I have issues, back from when we first met. And I didn’t focus on that in the moment because that wasn’t what we were discussing that day but that small observation stuck with me. I was a little offended. What did she mean I have issues with money? I never said that!

And then I realized I was having a really strong reaction against her observation of something that I must’ve said, or she wouldn’t have said it. And as she and I unpacked our topic for the day, some of these stories I have about money came up, and I found that they were mostly fear based. And I have had them as stories for so long that I don’t exactly know where they started. Or how they started.

And so I did what I always do. I got a book to do some research about money stories. I chose one that had been on my shelf for ages and I never opened it, “The Soul of Money.” And it was exactly what I needed.

So I started pairing the reading with long walks so I could reflect on what I was reading and how it applied or what was coming up for me. And I started noticing all kinds of issues I have. I limit myself a lot. I constantly tell myself I can’t afford something. And I constantly spend money on things that are not aligned with my values but are convenient or seem necessary and I am often denying myself the things that do align with my values.

It’s like eating. It’s like when you finally pay attention to how your body responds to what you put in your body. I first noticed this when I was a vegetarian and would often have an upset stomach and bad acne. I realized it was caused  by those fake meatless products that are made for vegetarians as substitutes. Simple answer was I stopped eating them and bought whole foods instead and just made things from scratch.

With money, it’s like buying that Starbucks latte because I want it just because I am out shopping and would like something warm and comforting and it’s conveniently right there down the hall. But then I deny myself something like a new pair of sunglasses to replace the broken pair that I keep fixing and breaking over and over.

THIS is what the money books and blogs mean when they say cut out the latte and save the money. That is addressing the surface problem by saying don’t buy that, buy this other thing.

The real underlying problem is that you have to evaluate your values and realign your spending that way. When we detach from our values and make choices based on the moment and immediate whims. We are satisfied immediately, but get no closer to our bigger goals.

I am becoming aware that I have a lot of old habits that are like this that I would like to break. They are no longer serving me. They are misaligned from what I really want and are keeping me on a treadmill instead of walking down a path towards the goals.

I do it in money, in relationships, in my career, and in my spiritual growth. I have been hanging out with a new guy and we discussed that we both need to take things slow. This made me like him even more. So when he gave me a little bit of space because that’s what we agreed that we want, my mind freaked out. It went into Spin mode where it created all these stories that he doesn’t like me, that he doesn’t want me around, that I’m not good enough.

I pray that these old habits and old ways of thinking die a little death so that I may replace them with habits that serve my long terms goals.

Someday I do want a loving partnership. I want a career that supports a flexible lifestyle that I can fill with learning, growth and adventures. I want to have time and energy to help other people. I want peace.

If I can find a way to focus on the big things that I want and work backwards by asking what do I need to do to get what I want I will be able to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my old habits.

I’m not saying it is easy. But it is as simple as that.


2 thoughts on “Tiny Deaths and Rising Like a Phoenix

  1. I enjoyed reading this insightful piece. It contains so many essential truths of successful living. For example, the choices we make concerning our handling of money need to be placed under regular evaluation and re-evaluation. Likewise, the power we give our imagination must be carefully monitored as well. I understand from personal experience how the imagination can run wild if we let it. Years ago, author Sandra Cisneros wrote a short story entitled “Eleven” in which she maintained that we carry within us all the ages we have ever been. So when our thought processes seem childish, it’s no wonder. The child that we were is still in there, still wanting his or her way. What a worthwhile blog site this is! Thank you for the time you take to share the nuances of your journey.

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