I remember dating when I was in high school. And there was always such drama around the courtship period. I would have a crush and I would do everything to learn about his schedule, find out what he likes, and try to find a way to make myself converge with both of those things.
There were always that chats with girl friends about him. And about “the signs.” Ladies, you know “the signs” I’m talking about:
“Ohmigod! He SMILED at me today!”
“Squeal!!! He let me borrow his pencil! Our fingers touched. That means he likes me, right?”
“We ran into each other after soccer practice and we actually talked for a whole 5 minutes!!!”
And I would analyze all these things with my friends. While it bonded the friendship because we had this common goal and something to talk about and analyze together. And it was such FUN.
I will be honest. The drama was a lot of fun. It gave me something to laugh at and distract myself from other things. It gave me something to fantasize about and dream about. I enjoyed it.
And because of that, I will never be The Cool Girl. I will never be the girl that has a crush and then can detach and not care if he likes me back. I get excited. I want him to care. I want him to want me back. I want him to want to see me again. I want this crush thing to be two sided.
I accept this about myself even though I don’t like it very much.
I know everyone says they want “no drama” but there is a reason there is so much drama. It’s because it is FUN and DISTRACTING. And at the end of the day, those are really easy things to give into.
My life has such great memories around the drama. Some of my silliest moments in high school were because I had a crush on a boy. I realize I even have relationships in my life with friends that I build around that drama. I have a few friends that I really only connect to them because we talk about the drama of our dating lives.
But despite the fun and excitement that comes from the drama of dating, I can’t help but think “isn’t there a better way?”
There is a saying that goes something like “When you ask for patience, life gives you a line at the bank.” And I just read the other day that when we commit to a new way of thinking or being, all of your old habits will get stirred up to test your new commitment.
Well, in my life, right now I am asking for freedom and ease. Those are not at all aligned with drama.
And here I am with this new and unexpected crush. And for a few days all my old habits kicked up. All the wondering about whether or not he will call. Placing my value on whether or not he was interested.
But in the back of my head the whole time I had a tiny, quiet alarm that was ringing. It was saying “Isn’t there a better way?”
And that single question is enough to shift everything. Being open to a different way is like rewiring your brain. It allows new ways of thinking to start.
I know the answer to the question “Isn’t there a better way” is yes. But I don’t exactly have a specific answer of what that better way is or how I should be thinking differently. But I trust that will come to me in time.
And it is a lot easier to let go of the drama of “does he like me?” when I really approach the situation of “I like me.” And at the end of the day, that’s the only opinion that really matters. And if he sees me and doesn’t like me, that’s ok. I’m the one that has to live with me for the rest of my life, so his opinion doesn’t really matter.