I did not know I was going on a date last night until 6 hours beforehand. While the idea of spontaneity and an unplanned date is nothing new, everything else around this date is completely out of the norm for me.
Here is what I am used to in my dating life: I meet a guy that I am incredibly attracted to and I think he is perfectly “my type.” I go out of my way to be available for this guy. I drop not-so0subtle hints that I am into him. I may even suggest we hang out or drop an activity that I want to go to and if he’s interested maybe we should go together. I would bat my eyes and do everything I could to look sexy and get his attention. I do all the things I think a person that is attractive is supposed to do and say. Correction- a person that is attractive to HIM.
Yes, I size up the guy immediately and diagnose what I think he wants and then I do my best to be the chameleon and become exactly that.
I realize how crazy that sounds. And believe me, I have unpacked that time and time again with my life coach and in books and morning pages in my journal. And it didn’t really click exactly why that was a bad thing until this date.
It’s funny the way that I can learn something in my head, and I can be given guidance about dating, and I can read about behavior. But then for no particular reason at all it clicked. And then to experience it everything changed.
I have been reading The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong, a book which I am positive I will be writing about at length because it has changed my life. I read a passage on Sunday that knocked me back in my chair and I could finally process something in my heart and body instead of truly in my head. The knowledge snack deeper and I could feel it everywhere.
I could finally let go of my past relationships. I finally understood what I had been doing wrong all along.
For me, I always picked men I was ridiculously attracted to or the ones I wasn’t attracted to at all but they checked the boxes on my “list.” And I would tend to pick men that were younger or I perceived that they weren’t fully in their own power.
(Please remember that I am bringing my demons into the light and being honest. I realize that things don’t sound perfect and I am not trying to be perfect. I am trying to be human and honest. Know what I mean?)
I liked controlling and manipulating because that I meant I could get what I want. For a little while. I traded long term potential happiness and fulfillment for short term satisfaction.
I see the error in my ways. And I see the major benefits in giving up control.
I made a commitment to myself. I would rather be alone than to force something. I am committed to not forcing anything. To receive. To trust.
And that’s what made this date radically different. So different I don’t even know how to answer the question “How did it go?” Because I don’t know! My old gauges for what made a good first date have gone completely out the window!
But I know that I like the guy. I like what I heard, I like how he behaved and I am curious to learn and know more. And if he didn’t feel the same way, that’s ok. I felt like I was very honest, very much myself and I truly would not want to be with someone that didn’t like my honest, true self.
And I feel no need to manipulate or control the situation. I feel like I can go with the flow and see where I am guided.
This feels fun!