I’ve been re-watching some old Sex and the City episodes. It’s what I do when I’m feeling confused, it always seems to make me laugh and take things less seriously. It’s the reason most people watch Real Housewives. They get to think “at least my life isn’t that bad!”
And I was re-watching the final episode because I love her little speech to Mikhail Baryshnikov. I can completely identify with what she’s asking for. I, too, want love that is consuming, inconvenient, can’t live without each other.
But what struck me this time when I watched it were those final lines where she reflects back at all the different kinds of relationships. And this time what resonated was that final line that speech. “The most challenging, significant relationship is the one that you have with yourself. And if you find someone that loves the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”
Sometimes it’s the simple writing like that that makes me think. First, they chose to say “if.” Love isn’t guaranteed. We are not guaranteed to a happy ending.
But the important part is that the conversation is about the relationship you have with yourself. And sometimes I forget that.
I have been in full-on freak out mode since this crush started. I’ve been freaking out because I actually like this guy. It feels like it could be something. And I think he likes me, too. So I have the potential to get really hurt here. So I go in freak out mode. I start flailing.
It’s mostly protective. I’m searching for those red flags, the clues that maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. And in the meantime I try to push him away. I say crazy things. I make it pretty close to impossible to like me, let alone get to know me. It’s throwing a huge barbed wire fence around myself.
But here is the funny thing. If I took a step back and focused on loving myself, on having a solid relationship with myself, I think I would relax.
I fully understand that a guy should like me for me, and a guy that doesn’t like me isn’t worth it. But in all my freaking out I don’t let anyone get to know me so that logic doesn’t work anyway.
It’s time to return to the most important relationship- myself. If I work on being my best self, then the men that come in and out of my life will either love me or not. And that isn’t nearly as important as having a solid relationship with myself.
And a confident woman is far more attractive anyway. No one likes the energy of someone frantic and flailing. But someone self-assured is incredibly attractive. So it ends up being a win-win.
New plan. Focus on being a great version of myself, do what makes me happy. The crush can decide for himself what he wants to do.