Oh my god. How much fun is it to kiss a new guy that you’ve been crushing on?
I had forgotten what that feels like.
And what it feels like for a guy to follow through. If I never see this guy again, I had the blissful few hours of a guy asking me out before I could say a word that I wanted him to, then said guy proceeded to tell me I looked great and he liked my dress and I had great style, and finally he texted me before I had a chance to text him.
God, that was nice. And that’s exactly how it should be.
There are two parts to this. Let’s start with the fun part. Kissing someone new that you think is adorable is a lot of fun.
Somehow the stars aligned. I met a cute guy. I was well past tipsy, but cute guy thought I was cute. A mutual friend pushed for us to exchange numbers. We didn’t, but I went back to where we met and he happened to be there. After some brief small talk, before I could even say my coy line that I want to give him my number he asked me to hang out. The rest of our time together went swimmingly. Despite my nerves.
Some how, quite naturally, he kissed me. Twice. And it felt completely natural, like we’ve done it hundreds of times before. And yet, it felt special and sweet, like a kiss should.
What a high. Right?
And here’s the second part of this. It’s a part of a conversation I’ve been having in my head for a few weeks. It is proof that you can get what you want and not settle.
And I’m not talking about the silly wish list things that sometimes single people have. I’m not saying I want a French man who can dance and speak multiple languages and take me traveling and major art functions…yadda yadda yadda. Those are silly. And never going to get your anywhere but a one way trip Frustration or Disappointed City.
What I mean is if you ask for respect from the universe you get it. If you ask to be treated like a lady that is worth being pursued, you get it.
Fuck him if all I get were those few hours. That’s his problem. For me it was enough to know that a guy asked me out without me doing anything other than being in the right place. He complimented me, and I have always wanted someone to notice me in that dress. I’ve worn that sweater dress so many times, and never had anyone compliment me like he did. He made an effort. He made several efforts, actually.
Men will make the effort if that is what you expect. And I do. My bar is higher now than it used to be. But I have doubted the whole thing. When I walked in, I thought I would have to lay my interest down on the table. He beat me to it.
When I left and came back at the time he agreed, I regretted not getting his number because I thought things could change or he would stand me up. He didn’t.
When I acted like myself fully and completely, I actually apologized for being who I am at one point. He stopped me and said those qualities are a good thing. Plus he kissed me later, so I think he was into me at least a little.
When he took my number and I didn’t get his, I thought for sure he would blow me off. He texted after he got home that night and charged his phone. And we texted the next day.
When he texted that he would come to Baltimore to see me, I had to ask a friend for a second opinion. “Is that really what he means??” She assured me it is exactly what he meant. And she was right, I just read the text with disbelieving eyes.
So if I never hear from him again (here I am doubting, again. Man, I should probably cut that out. But part of me thinks I am still expecting too much! That no one could actually follow through and like me enough to pursue me. See, if I am being honest, even in my post about keeping my expectations high and not settling for less than I am worth I am STILL doubting things!)… so if I never hear from him again I got enough proof to know that it IS out there.
A good friend of mine still doubts everything he believes and wants. He has settled for a relationship that only has happy moments once in a blue moon and only when he puts in a hell of a lot of work for it. It’s a glimpse of happy. He believes that this is as good as it gets. That what he really wants is asking too much. That everyone else settles so he should too.
(I’m really sorry that I’m cursing much more than I normally do but I can’t help it, I’m fired up about this on). Fuck that. Let other people settle. We are the ones that deserve more than settling. Than unhappiness most of the time and a glimpse of happy now and again after a ton of work. Hell no. I want happy most of the time, with sad or work when needed. I want a man that thinks I am worth effort, I really don’t want to have to chase him down.
I want to feel respected, beautiful, radiant. I don’t feel radiant when I am scrambling after a guy, trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me more or enough to see me one more time. I am exhausted trying to think about what he would like. I’d much rather just be myself, take it or leave it, thank you. I trust that someone out there will take it.
I’m not sure what my next step is. Except that I need to start ditching the doubt and start believing my intuition. Surrender to the greater power that my ways of control and manipulation haven’t been working and that there is a better way. Ditching the doubt is a step by step process. I think I’ve made a few steps forward, thankfully.