Breaking Up With A Friend

I have written and rewritten this post because I can’t find the right way to express this without sounding harsh and mean. And I’m not harsh and mean. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while I hope you figured that out about me.

But saying that I don’t want to be friends with someone anymore sounds really harsh and mean.

To be honest, I feel like I have completely outgrown this person. Our friendship was mostly built upon talking about men and our relationships or crushes or our sexual conquests. It was nice having someone may age that I could relate to, we saw these things similarly. We are both very independent and had progressive opinions about relationships.

But now our relationship is based on me comforting her every other month when she is dumped by her boyfriend and then they get back together. I came to the difficult realization that I have out grown a friend, and I have absolutely no interest in maintaining this friendship. But I have no idea how do go about breaking up with a friend. Especially one that keeps in touch regularly.

As a side note, have you ever noticed how people you want to hang out with never text but the ones you don’t care about hanging out with you text all the time? It’s like dating!

And I am not saying this lightly. I like being social with groups of friends, she is even convenient because she lives nearby and she shares some of my artistic interests. But conversation with her is infuriating because I noticed she is very defensive or argumentative. I’m not argumentative and I am more likely to just agree with her just to prevent arguing.

I tried thinking that I get aggravated by this relationship because it is trying to make me grow and change. Which is still possible. They say when we feel aggravated by something it’s because it is affecting change. Think of a grain of sand in an oyster, eventually it becomes a pearl. I think that I needed someone to talk to about my last relationship that understood what I was going through.

But now all we talk about is boys. Somehow she can steer any conversation back to relationships, sex, dating, and sexual tension between her and fill-in-the-blank.

But when things went down and things ended in my last relationship, I didn’t want to talk to her about it. She didn’t call me to hang out when I was going through the breakup so I didn’t tell her until weeks later. I just didn’t want to hear her opinion, I didn’t need her for comfort or to be my wing woman.

I didn’t turn to her at a time when I really needed a support network. That was all the proof I needed. I didn’t need her as a friend.

So how does one go about breaking up with a friend? I’ve never had to do this before. It’s always just faded away. Someone stops calling the other person and you stop making the effort to catch up over coffee.

But she keeps asking to hang out. I’ve tried to keep it casual and sporadic. But it just led me to getting completely frustrated. And the last time she texted a week ago, I just forgot to respond.

The way I feel around her is not how I want to feel in my life. Like I can’t be myself, like there is only one subject to talk about, like her opinion is the only one that counts.

So how do I go about ending a friendship? Have you ever had to do this? Any advice?


7 thoughts on “Breaking Up With A Friend

  1. 2 things, if your friend is in an on off relationship likely she doesnt realise she is affecting you because she is always trying to just manage things and feelings and because the person who is supposed to emotionally support her isnt doing it, she turns to others. Its a phase, she will herself not like it that she had these blurt out sessions after she recovers. Secondly when people are hurting they sometimes end up more judgemental than emphatetic so I think sensing that you didnt share your despair with her. Give her a bit time more and dont lose respect for her while she is in this phase of break up, make up is my first instinct. Next stop giving her advice or answering her when she talks to you about it, subtly convey disinterest, she may feel hurt for a bit but she will stop. But if you feel you have tried everything and this girl just seems to get on your nerves, do a slow fade. Dont respond to some calls, texts, dont give any explanation, be vague if asked and continue in that vein. Limit your time and interaction, she will get the idea. Somehow I feel she is just too conflicted or maybe emotionally abused in the relationship hence the obsession to fix it, with actions not helping, she is resorting to talking to everyone (you may not be the only one she may be doing this to). You dont have to suffer 🙂 good luck.

    • Thank you! I think I wanted to believe it was a phase too. But being stuck in a car for several hours with her recently made me realize how often I was biting my tongue about my own opinion about just about every subject. I don’t want to have to do that around my friends.

  2. Yeah, tough spot. Always hard to totally break a friendship like that off. I would say become the type of person she does not like when around her, but I don’t think that will work in this situation. She seems content with a superficial relationship where you are simply an ear…a therapist. Option 2 is of course simply never responding, and if on facebook poofing her off of it is a solid hint without having to do the face to face.

    Unfortunately, the best route is usually the hardest…tell her. If you truly don’t care if she remains a friend then my first suggestion; “I am not comfortable talking about your exes and I feel that the your relationships are the only point of discussion between us, and I simply don’t want relationship like this any more.” Doing this may be eyeopening for her…who knows. And if she gets all pissy, oh well, make yourself your priority like nobody else can.

    Reality…not answering is likely the easiest.

    Good luck!

    • I know, I was afraid I’d have to do that. I’m going to try giving it more time and space. And hope I can continue to be passive aggressive. For some reason it feels so much easier to breakup with a guy compared to a friend.

      • haha…I was thinking the same thing as I read. Generally when you are done with a guy you are beyond done, so it is relieving. You have shared extreme intimacy so severing that from him is a load off. With a friend you are close but not with that intimacy (well, maybe, I won’t judge lol). I look at it this way…when you have grown apart from someone it is easy to perpetually re-evaluate if you are doing the right thing the right way, and that makes things hard. With a boyfriend you are generally more or less dropping the axe…a firm decision without a lot of back and forth analysis…you simply know it is over and he is not your match…not always, but more often than not.

  3. Hmm breaking up with a friend? I read this post a few days back and meant to comment because it coincidentally resonated so well with how i have been feeling about a certain long time friend of mine off late. I think the best way to go about this is just to ease off, diplomatically. Act busy and too preoccupied even to meet up. Hoping she will get the message and equally ease off. I think less drama will be involved as opposed to telling her point blank. The truth often hurts and you never know about tomorrow. You might end up needing one another at some point for other things. I always believe that friendships should be all rounded but if it starts becoming an irritation of sorts, it’s time to cut links. My friend thinks she’s a know-it-all and i’m just a dummy there to listen to her unsolicited advice. She will give opinions over everything in my life including this blog of mine because she supposedly is the one who suggested i start it. The sad bit i came to realize is that i’m the one who let her start being that way over the years. She seemed like a good listener and empathizer and i would always pour my problems out to her. But i guess as i matured, i have learned to deal with my issues without a 2nd party but then she thinks she has a mandate to poke her nose into all my decisions. Sometimes i think we are the cause of what direction our friendships take. So take this as a learning point for future friendships like i have and just ease off cooly. Hope this helps.

  4. It may not be the best advice, but when I went abroad for a year I figured out who my friends are, most of it was confirmation though, even though I hadn’t spoken most of them during my time in South Africa. 😉 There were also some who never responded to messages or checked up on me. This works both ways. When you get back the streak of no contact just goes on. Maybe your friends changed as well in the time away (for the better).
    In your specific case this might be harder to apply, since your ‘?stalker-friend?’ won’t let you go, maybe the best (and hardest) thing to do is the truth.

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