Having a new crush is a lot of fun. I have another post that I am working on about how fun it is to be dating someone new. Those first few days, weeks, sometimes even months are so much fun. Infatuation is really dangerous for me though, I completely lose my brain.
Infatuation is a natural part of a relationship. It is those beginning phases where everything that the other person does is adorable. It makes your heart race when you think about other person. And it actually does make you stupider. The brain actually goes through the same phases as addiction.
The brain causes all those roller coaster of emotions- stomach in knots, cloud nine elation followed by anxiety. And researchers have actually studied people that are in love and they found that the brain lights up in the same places as when someone is addicted to drugs.
It’s an old wiring system to keep the species going. Infatuation feels good. We over look all the red flags that might be there because the drive for sex is so strong.
This is why infatuation is incredibly dangerous for me. Infatuation makes me stupid.
I tend to say the most ridiculous things when I have hit that infatuation phase. And I don’t just mean my favorite line from Dirty Dancing “I carried a watermelon?” I love that moment because it’s completely accurate. When we have a crush on someone some of the weirdest things come out of our mouths. For me it’s not just an awkward contribution to keep the conversation going, although I do that quite a bit too. No, I start trying to flirt and it comes out all wrong. It comes out kinda insulting. I mean it as teasing, honestly I do. It just comes out all wrong.
And there is no taking it back. There is no covering it up. And as much as I may scramble to fix it, it would be so much better if I just kept my mouth shut in the first place.
But there is an urge that I can’t resist. It’s an urge to flirt because maybe what I say maybe would be seen as cute and attractive! (ugh, no, it is never cute. Those things are terribly awkward)
I logically know the right thing is to pull back. I know I should only reveal a little bit at a time, don’t overwhelm someone new. Luckily my good friends and I have an understanding that text them instead of overwhelming a new guy with too many texts. Just keep my fingers busy.
I’ve heard all the cliches: “keep the mystery as long as possible,” “don’t show your hand,” “leave him wanting more!” And it’s all the same reason you’re not supposed to sleep with someone new too soon. The longer they have to get to know you the better because they get to know you for you and not just the awkward things you say or the physical attraction which can fizzle once the mystery is gone if there isn’t something else to build upon.
This is when dating drives me bonkers. Bonkers enough to have writing material for the whole week!
It drives me especially crazy because I start overanalyzing everything. Every text, whether or not I should call, what would I say, is he thinking about me? It’s all so exhausting.
It feels especially exhausting after getting out of a relationship where all I did was play the game and try to stay one step ahead. Trying to keep my power and maintain the upper hand in that game was more exhausting than I realized at the time. It didn’t occur to me until faced with the prospect of a new guy that I was so exhausted from the last one.
I don’t like being the crazy girl. It’s not fun. And when it comes to infatuation, I am about as far from cool, calm and collected as it gets. And I’m not sure how to reconcile those two things. To enjoy the infatuation but not be the crazy girl.
My best friend tells me to “relax, have fun!” Easy for her to say. But I remember that first month when she was dating her now husband. She was also insanely crazy during that infatuation period. So of course it’s easy to say to relax and have fun, but doing it is another thing all together.
Maybe it’s like when you’re driving on a rainy night. Maybe I should turn into the skid. Embrace the awkwardness. Stop resisting.
What do you think?