“Open Heart. Big F*cking Fence.”

This is the title of one of the posts from one of my heroes Danielle LaPorte. She wrote about what it was like to be someone whose job and platform is to be open, vulnerable, available, honest.  She was feeling drained because she felt she had to be everything to everyone, feeling everything and everyone’s everything. She felt that if she had to put up boundaries she was closing everything off. She found she can have boundaries while remaining open.

I am going to do my best to describe it because I am still trying to properly process it myself. She teaches this to everyone, and shared how this is the one thing she wants her kid to embrace over everything else. Keep your heart open, soft. Protect it with a big, strong fence.

Feel everything. Let you heart be your guide. But just because you allow feelings does not mean that everyone is allowed access to your heart. She tells her son to only allow access to the very kind people, the people that earn that privilege.

I get the idea that people have to earn the privilege. I know that people have to earn the right to have a place in my heart, and to have a part of my heart. I guess I still give my heart too freely. When I actually meet a guy that I feel like I click with and I like, I fall hard. I fall so hard I leave Sarah-shaped holes in the floor.

And I am sure the guy can sense this and it sends him running in the other direction.

AndI go the complete other end of the spectrum, too. For the ones that like me and I haven’t made up my mind about I keep the fence and keep my heart closed. This can go on for months before we realize I am never going to open my heart and this won’t go anywhere.

So I am hopeless. The guys I like I fall too hard for and I scare them away and the guys that like me I keep out. I don’t quite have the balance.

I do the same with everyone in my life, too. I feel like it takes me a long time to make good friends and I still keep my family at arms length. And when I really connect with someone like a friend or romantic interest, I want to rush it. I want to jump ahead to where we’re already besties. If I see the potential, I want to jump to recognizing that potential ASAP. I don’t want to patiently wait for it to evolve over time. I have almost no patience.

I’ve scared off potential friends as well as men this way. And I don’t know when I will learn my lesson to just be patient and let it evolve naturally. When I know, I want to jump in with both feet.

And I have had plenty of experiences where timing and the natural order of occurrences have forced things to evolve slowly. And I have had guys that I have treated as friends for years and then suddenly we act on that tension that has been between us. In those cases, there is a reason why we were friends for so long without acting on a romantic relationship- usually I knew I would rebel against their expectations and ruin both the romance and the friendship.

So I get each sentence separately. Open heart. Or big f*cking fence. I’m not sure how to do both.

I’ve been reading Amanda Palmer’s new book The Art of Asking and it’s the same concept. But I get the impression that for the most part she’s very open. She opens  her arms and embraces everything from her audiences. As she hugs them and greets them, she hears their stories and secrets. She witnesses their pain and takes it in.

I envy that and am glad it’s not me. I absorb everything from the people around me. So I worry that I wouldn’t have a strong enough fence. Or that I would have no fence at all,and eventually I would have an emotional break down.

So how do other people do this?

Have You Read The “F*ck Yes” Law?

I will say this. Kudos to Mark Manson for writing a brilliantly viral post that has all the dating blogoshpere talking. If you haven’t read it, first consider yourself lucky that your friends aren’t the type to send email that say “Read this” in the subject line.

Second, let me summarize the article. It’s well written so my short summary won’t do it complete justice. Basically, he writes that there is a lot of ambiguity in dating these days. Feelings aren’t clear, there isn’t a courtship period like there used to be. He argues that two people shouldn’t have sex unless the answer is “Fuck yes” for both parties.

Where his article gets a little murky is that anything less than a fuck yes is a fuck no, and you should walk away. The reason this is a bit murky is because all those shades of gray under fuck yes don’t always mean a fuck no. Perhaps a “not yet” is more accurate.

Sometimes it does take time and getting to know someone to be really attracted to someone. Sometimes the reasons why you go on that next date isn’t clear, and the reasons unfold slowly and unexpectedly.

The Fuck Yes Law doesn’t leave any room for ambiguity, on purpose, but that’s where it fails. I think men can see things like sex a little more in black and white, but sometimes women need to go through the gray area before they can get to the clarity of fuck yes or fuck no.

I do think that I will never have sex with someone unless the answer is a fuck yes. There should be no hesitation, no doubt.

What he doesn’t explore is the effects that the feminism movement has had on sex for women. And I don’t just mean this recent surge of celebrities coming out as feminists. I mean the sexual revolution for women that has been happening for years. For years we have fought to not be called sluts if we enjoy sex. We wanted to be able to have the power to sleep with who we want when we want for whatever reason we want.

However, I do think that has contributed somewhat to men getting lazy in relationships. I think men caught on to our “3 date rule.” They get by on those three dates and expect sex at the end.

Let me be clear that not all men are like this. When I say men or guys I mean most or many. Not all. The bulk majority that I have dated.

Women feel empowered by the decision making they now have about sex. And I can’t speak for everyone but I usually don’t get to a third date with someone I’m not attracted to. But in my book that doesn’t guarantee anything. I don’t follow any rules (which perhaps will have to be another post because there is a good and bad side to that).

However, Manson’s idea that the answer should be “fuck yes” for both parties does take the guesswork out of it. It shouldn’t be for obligation, or boredom, or manipulation. It should be two consenting adults that can’t imagine anything else.

What do you think? Did you read the article, and what was your reaction?

 

 

Tis The Season For Holiday Parties

Being single at the holidays can be like navigating through a storm in open water. It can be treacherous waters with the potential to be shipwrecked at any moment. It could easily go from smooth sailing to A Perfect Storm with one wrong step.

No two holiday parties are the same. Some are perfectly fine, you can be yourself and enjoy the company of friends or family. In my experience I may get one of these easy parties per season, and they are usually really small with my girl friends.

Sometimes you walk in the door, glance around and realize everyone is auditioning to be on Noah’s Ark. Everyone is partnered up and the only conversation you have all night is about who is potty trained, who just learned to say what, who rolled over all on his own… You just let your eyes glaze over and smile and nod. Because there isn’t anyone that you’re going to flirt with you can just zone out for a bit.

And some parties start out just fine, like my family parties. But once you’ve loaded your plate at the potluck table that second time, your cousins’ kids start running around and screaming. And then that triggers something in your family, they suddenly remember that they wanted to ask you something they desperately wanted to know: “When are you having kids?? How is that boyfriend, is he the one? Oh, you broke up. Oh you didn’t have a boyfriend really, well when are you getting serious?”

So , what’s a single gal to do? How the hell does one start to navigate through this? Well, just call me Skipper, I’m going to show you the way.

I’ve been single through the holidays for the last several years. I seem to have relationships in every month but December so I’ve had a lot of experience at these parties. I’ve also started to train my close friends and family to stop asking about this stuff. But if your family hasn’t learn to respect your space, there are some ways to navigate through the holidays.

1. Have an out. Always have an exit strategy. Maybe it’s an early meeting and you need to get to sleep. Maybe it’s another party (one of the most believable excuses since the holidays end up being the busiest time for parties). None of this has to be true, it just gives you a fall back to exit when you need to.

2. Know who will be there ahead of time. You can’t always account for the people that just show up without RSVPing but if you know roughly who to expect you can prepare. Maybe there is another friend there that you know you can safely hang with her. Depending on the situation maybe even bring her in on what your plan is, and I am sure she would be willing to help. Better than following her everywhere she goes.

3. Avoid snarky comebacks. They always seem like a good idea at the time, but I can promise you that they aren’t. You are attacking with words because you feel that you have been attacked. But it is usually better to either be honest with the person that it’s none of their business, that it hurts your feelings when people dig into your personal life, or that you don’t when you’ll get married or have kids.  I find that a simple “I don’t know” ends the conversation right then and there. And it isn’t a wimpy answer, it’s honest.

4. Have something to do. And I don’t mean keep your mouth full with delicious food. One of the parties that is always uncomfortable for me also has a ping pong table. No one asks personal questions because everyone is so focused on competing. Games are great, they keep everyone occupied and no one prying into your life.

Their words don’t have to hurt you. They are usually grappling for something to talk about and they’ve gone for the easy topic. It’s usually not a personal dig at you.

There are so many things to be thankful for and excited about at the holidays. Don’t let those few people ruin it for you.

“The Most Challenging, Significant Relationship”

I’ve been re-watching some old Sex and the City episodes. It’s what I do when I’m feeling confused, it always seems to make me laugh and take things less seriously. It’s the reason most people watch Real Housewives. They get to think “at least my life isn’t that bad!”

And I was re-watching the final episode because I love her little speech to Mikhail Baryshnikov. I can completely identify with what she’s asking for. I, too, want love that is consuming, inconvenient, can’t live without each other.

But what struck me this time when I watched it were those final lines where she reflects back at all the different kinds of relationships. And this time what resonated was that final line that speech. “The most challenging, significant relationship is the one that you have with yourself. And if you find someone that loves the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Sometimes it’s the simple writing like that that makes me think. First, they chose to say “if.” Love isn’t guaranteed. We are not guaranteed to a happy ending.

But the important part is that the conversation is about the relationship you have with yourself. And sometimes I forget that.

I have been in full-on freak out mode since this crush started. I’ve been freaking out because I actually like this guy. It feels like it could be something. And I think he likes me, too. So I have the potential to get really hurt here. So I go in freak out mode. I start flailing.

It’s mostly protective. I’m searching for those red flags, the clues that maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him. And in the meantime I try to push him away. I say crazy things. I make it pretty close to impossible to like me, let alone get to know me. It’s throwing a huge barbed wire fence around myself.

But here is the funny thing. If I took a step back and focused on loving myself, on having a solid relationship with myself, I think I would relax.

I fully understand that a guy should like me for me, and a guy that doesn’t like me isn’t worth it. But in all my freaking out I don’t let anyone get to know me so that logic doesn’t work anyway.

It’s time to return to the most important relationship- myself. If I work on being my best self, then the men that come in and out of my life will either love me or not. And that isn’t nearly as important as having a solid relationship with myself.

And a confident woman is far more attractive anyway. No one likes the energy of someone frantic and flailing. But someone self-assured is incredibly attractive. So it ends up being a win-win.

New plan. Focus on being a great version of myself, do what makes me happy. The crush can decide for himself what he wants to do.

How Much Fun Is Kissing?! A Lot!

Oh my god. How much fun is it to kiss a new guy that you’ve been crushing on?

I had forgotten what that feels like.

And what it feels like for a guy to follow through. If I never see this guy again, I had the blissful few hours of a guy asking me out before I could say a word that I wanted him to, then said guy proceeded to tell me I looked great and he liked my dress and I had great style, and finally he texted me before I had a chance to text him.

God, that was nice. And that’s exactly how it should be.

There are two parts to this. Let’s start with the fun part. Kissing someone new that you think is adorable is a lot of fun.

Somehow the stars aligned. I met a cute guy. I was well past tipsy, but cute guy thought I was cute. A mutual friend pushed for us to exchange numbers. We didn’t, but I went back to where we met and he happened to be there. After some brief small talk, before I could even say my coy line that I want to give him my number he asked me to hang out. The rest of our time together went swimmingly. Despite my nerves.

Some how, quite naturally, he kissed me. Twice. And it felt completely natural, like we’ve done it hundreds of times before. And yet, it felt special and sweet, like a kiss should.

What a high. Right?

And here’s the second part of this. It’s a part of a conversation I’ve been having in my head for a few weeks. It is proof that you can get what you want and not settle.

And I’m not talking about the silly wish list things that sometimes single people have. I’m not saying I want a French man who can dance and speak multiple languages and take me traveling and major art functions…yadda yadda yadda. Those are silly. And never going to get your anywhere but a one way trip Frustration or Disappointed City.

What I mean is if you ask for respect from the universe you get it. If you ask to be treated like a lady that is worth being pursued, you get it.

Fuck him if all I get were those few hours. That’s his problem. For me it was enough to know that a guy asked me out without me doing anything other than being in the right place. He complimented me, and I have always wanted someone to notice me in that dress. I’ve worn that sweater dress so many times, and never had anyone compliment me like he did. He made an effort. He made several efforts, actually.

Men will make the effort if that is what you expect. And I do. My bar is higher now than it used to be. But I have doubted the whole thing. When I walked in, I thought I would have to lay my interest down on the table. He beat me to it.

When I left and came back at the time he agreed, I regretted not getting his number because I thought things could change or he would stand me up. He didn’t.

When I acted like myself fully and completely, I actually apologized for being who I am at one point. He stopped me and said those qualities are a good thing. Plus he kissed me later, so I think he was into me at least a little.

When he took my number and I didn’t get his, I thought for sure he would blow me off. He texted after he got home that night and charged his phone. And we texted the next day.

When he texted that he would come to Baltimore to see me, I had to ask a friend for a second opinion. “Is that really what he means??” She assured me it is exactly what he meant. And she was right, I just read the text with disbelieving eyes.

So if I never hear from him again (here I am doubting, again. Man, I should probably cut that out. But part of me thinks I am still expecting too much! That no one could actually follow through and like me enough to pursue me. See, if I am being honest, even in my post about keeping my expectations high and not settling for less than I am worth I am STILL doubting things!)… so if I never hear from him again I got enough proof to know that it IS out there.

A good friend of mine still doubts everything he believes and wants. He has settled for a relationship that only has happy moments once in a blue moon and only when he puts in a hell of a lot of work for it. It’s a glimpse of happy. He believes that this is as good as it gets. That what he really wants is asking too much. That everyone else settles so he should too.

(I’m really sorry that I’m cursing much more than I normally do but I can’t help it, I’m fired up about this on). Fuck that. Let other people settle. We are the ones that deserve more than settling. Than unhappiness most of the time and a glimpse of happy now and again after a ton of work. Hell no. I want happy most of the time, with sad or work when needed. I want a man that thinks I am worth effort, I really don’t want to have to chase him down.

I want to feel respected, beautiful, radiant. I don’t feel radiant when I am scrambling after a guy, trying to manipulate the situation to make him like me more or enough to see me one more time. I am exhausted trying to think about what he would like. I’d much rather just be myself, take it or leave it, thank you. I trust that someone out there will take it.

I’m not sure what my next step is. Except that I need to start ditching the doubt and start believing my intuition. Surrender to the greater power that my ways of control and manipulation haven’t been working and that there is a better way. Ditching the doubt is a step by step process. I think I’ve made a few steps forward, thankfully.

 

Breaking Up With A Friend

I have written and rewritten this post because I can’t find the right way to express this without sounding harsh and mean. And I’m not harsh and mean. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while I hope you figured that out about me.

But saying that I don’t want to be friends with someone anymore sounds really harsh and mean.

To be honest, I feel like I have completely outgrown this person. Our friendship was mostly built upon talking about men and our relationships or crushes or our sexual conquests. It was nice having someone may age that I could relate to, we saw these things similarly. We are both very independent and had progressive opinions about relationships.

But now our relationship is based on me comforting her every other month when she is dumped by her boyfriend and then they get back together. I came to the difficult realization that I have out grown a friend, and I have absolutely no interest in maintaining this friendship. But I have no idea how do go about breaking up with a friend. Especially one that keeps in touch regularly.

As a side note, have you ever noticed how people you want to hang out with never text but the ones you don’t care about hanging out with you text all the time? It’s like dating!

And I am not saying this lightly. I like being social with groups of friends, she is even convenient because she lives nearby and she shares some of my artistic interests. But conversation with her is infuriating because I noticed she is very defensive or argumentative. I’m not argumentative and I am more likely to just agree with her just to prevent arguing.

I tried thinking that I get aggravated by this relationship because it is trying to make me grow and change. Which is still possible. They say when we feel aggravated by something it’s because it is affecting change. Think of a grain of sand in an oyster, eventually it becomes a pearl. I think that I needed someone to talk to about my last relationship that understood what I was going through.

But now all we talk about is boys. Somehow she can steer any conversation back to relationships, sex, dating, and sexual tension between her and fill-in-the-blank.

But when things went down and things ended in my last relationship, I didn’t want to talk to her about it. She didn’t call me to hang out when I was going through the breakup so I didn’t tell her until weeks later. I just didn’t want to hear her opinion, I didn’t need her for comfort or to be my wing woman.

I didn’t turn to her at a time when I really needed a support network. That was all the proof I needed. I didn’t need her as a friend.

So how does one go about breaking up with a friend? I’ve never had to do this before. It’s always just faded away. Someone stops calling the other person and you stop making the effort to catch up over coffee.

But she keeps asking to hang out. I’ve tried to keep it casual and sporadic. But it just led me to getting completely frustrated. And the last time she texted a week ago, I just forgot to respond.

The way I feel around her is not how I want to feel in my life. Like I can’t be myself, like there is only one subject to talk about, like her opinion is the only one that counts.

So how do I go about ending a friendship? Have you ever had to do this? Any advice?

The Dangers Of Infatuation

Having a new crush is a lot of fun. I have another post that I am working on about how fun it is to be dating someone new. Those first few days, weeks, sometimes even months are so much fun. Infatuation is really dangerous for me though, I completely lose my brain.

Infatuation is a natural part of a relationship. It is those beginning phases where everything that the other person does is adorable. It makes your heart race when you think about other person. And it actually does make you stupider. The brain actually goes through the same phases as addiction.

The brain causes all those roller coaster of emotions- stomach in knots, cloud nine elation followed by anxiety. And researchers have actually studied people that are in love and they found that the brain lights up in the same places as when someone is addicted to drugs.

It’s an old wiring system to keep the species going. Infatuation feels good. We over look all the red flags that might be there because the drive for sex is so strong.

This is why infatuation is incredibly dangerous for me. Infatuation makes me stupid.

I tend to say the most ridiculous things when I have hit that infatuation phase. And I don’t just mean my favorite line from Dirty Dancing “I carried a watermelon?” I love that moment because it’s completely accurate. When we have a crush on someone some of the weirdest things come out of our mouths. For me it’s not just an awkward contribution to keep the conversation going, although I do that quite a bit too. No, I start trying to flirt and it comes out all wrong. It comes out kinda insulting. I mean it as teasing, honestly I do. It just comes out all wrong.

And there is no taking it back. There is no covering it up. And as much as I may scramble to fix it, it would be so much better if I just kept my mouth shut in the first place.

But there is an urge that I can’t resist. It’s an urge to flirt because maybe what I say maybe would be seen as cute and attractive! (ugh, no, it is never cute. Those things are terribly awkward)

I logically know the right thing is to pull back. I know I should only reveal a little bit at a time, don’t overwhelm someone new. Luckily my good friends and I have an understanding that text them instead of overwhelming a new guy with too many texts. Just keep my fingers busy.

I’ve heard all the cliches: “keep the mystery as long as possible,” “don’t show your hand,” “leave him wanting more!” And it’s all the same reason you’re not supposed to sleep with someone new too soon. The longer they have to get to know you the better because they get to know you for you and not just the awkward things you say or the physical attraction which can fizzle once the mystery is gone if there isn’t something else to build upon.

This is when dating drives me bonkers. Bonkers enough to have writing material for the whole week!

It drives me especially crazy because I start overanalyzing everything. Every text, whether or not I should call, what would I say, is he thinking about me? It’s all so exhausting.

It feels especially exhausting after getting out of a relationship where all I did was play the game and try to stay one step ahead. Trying to keep my power and maintain the upper hand in that game was more exhausting than I realized at the time. It didn’t occur to me until faced with the prospect of a new guy that I was so exhausted from the last one.

I don’t like being the crazy girl. It’s not fun. And when it comes to infatuation, I am about as far from cool, calm and collected as it gets. And I’m not sure how to reconcile those two things. To enjoy the infatuation but not be the crazy girl.

My best friend tells me to “relax, have fun!” Easy for her to say. But I remember that first month when she was dating her now husband. She was also insanely crazy during that infatuation period. So of course it’s easy to say to relax and have fun, but doing it is another thing all together.

Maybe it’s like when you’re driving on a rainy night. Maybe I should turn into the skid. Embrace the awkwardness. Stop resisting.

What do you think?

I Stayed Up Half The Night Contemplating Monogamy. Oops.

My muse won’t let me sleep. Or something. It is 4:30 as I write this, and I have been awake for almost 2 hours. i’ve tried everything that normally puts me back to sleep, and nothing is working.

So I’ve been turning something over in my brain. When is the right time to have sex with a new guy?

This is pretty hypothetical, but I imagine it could happen soon. I was fairly certain right away that I wasn’t interested in just a regular “fuck buddy.” I wanted something serious, I wanted a guy that really cared about me and I cared about him. So did that mean that I wanted to wait till we were monogamous? Would I finally be listening to the advice of the Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger? Would it actually work?

Here’s the catch though. I don’t know if I believe in long term monogamy. It feels somewhat dishonest to demand monogamy before I have sex if I don’t plan on enforcing it forever and ever (or if I would even follow it). No, that’s not the problem. The problem isn’t me wanting to believe I am the only person that this guy is attracted to now and forever. Because I simply don’t believe that is true. I am attracted to people all the time.

So then what? What do I want from a guy before I sleep with him? I landed on the simplest answer but it has taken me the last two hours (and several years) to put my finger on it.

I want to feel irreplaceable. I want to feel like I am so special, that I am the only one like me and no one could ever offer what I offer.

Here’s why this is different. If I feel like I am irreplaceable to the man in my life, a physical tryst isn’t a threat. It’s just physical. It’s not replacing the connection I have with him, it’s not replacing or threatening what is unique about our relationship.

Here is how I came to this. I imagined myself dating a very handsome bartender. It could happen, I’ve flirted with enough of them and dated a few. But the nail in the coffin is that I always feel like some girl could walk up to the bar and pick him up the same way that I did. What would differentiate me from the other girls? What would it take for me to feel comfortable and secure enough to be dating a bartender that is hit on all the time?

First, I would have to be secure enough in myself. Check. I’ve been working on that. If a guy doesn’t want to be around me, I refuse to stand in his way and force him to stay. He’s free to go if he doesn’t see how great I am.

Second, he would have to show me he knows how special I am. That could be in any number of ways. Maybe he communicates often, or he brings me flowers, or takes me on special dates, or looks at me in a way that he doesn’t look at anyone else or he shows me plenty of affection. But if he doesn’t see how special I am and show me, how could I know that he cared?

So I settled on the fact that I wouldn’t be threatened by women flirting with my fictional bartender lover if he showed me that I was the only one like me. That’s how I would define that I would feel special enough and cared about to sleep with a guy.

The thing is that if I didn’t care about a guy enough to want to be that special person but I was extremely attracted to him, I would probably consider making it just a physical thing. That would be entirely different for me, it’s a completely different category.

And I have had the hardest time articulating that until now. I could loosely see the difference but could never quite put my finger on it. And ah- ha. It came to me, in my restlessness.

It finally makes sense why I feel like I have been pursued by a number of attached men lately. My married friend was coming on very strong for a while. I have a friend that is moving out of state that kissed me quite passionately because he “had to at least once before leaving.” I am no more a threat to these men’s relationships because it is very clear that I have no interest in pursuing any scandal with these men. But they are curious about what kind of non-threatening fun they could get away with with me.

How far could they push the game? That’s the thrill. As long as everyone is clear that there is no threat to his chosen woman’s irreplaceability, than there is no harm. It’s just fun for the sake of fun.

I know this is not a typical way of looking at relationships. I know this probably angers some people because it is threatening to the standard way of doing things. I realize it isn’t popular. But it’s how I feel, and it stresses what is important to me- open communication between partners, trust, respect, as well as passion. It requires a lot of patience and a willingness to grow and learn. It is absolutely not the path for everyone, so I am not advocating it.

The reason I wanted to write it was in hopes that maybe it would give you words that you are searching for if you find yourself struggling like I was. Maybe it will save you from staying up half the night like I just did.

Or maybe it’s fuel for your fire. What do you think?

Choosing Your Reality

Have you ever taken one of those Meyers Briggs tests? I have taken a few of those online tests because I was curious if I would get the same thing. I am pretty consistently ENFJ- extroverted, intuitive, feeling, judging. One of these tests gave the percent of how much of each trait you are. Most I was well over 50%, some were very high in the 80s%. But the one that I thought was really accurate was I am only 1% extroverted.

I was actually relieved. I’ve never felt solidly extroverted. I like my alone time, I can get exhausted being around company, and I hate hosting parties. 1% sounds right. I like being social sometimes, I like being around people and having things to do and people to talk to.

So big family holidays are hard for me. My dad’s side of the family is nothing like me and they all have children. Conversation is a big effort, not only because it’s hard to find a topic but the kids make it difficult to have uninterrupted thoughts. And then my mom’s family is very close with each other and very loud. Lots of people talking on top of each other and a lot of energy. Oh, and no one listens.

So my Thanksgiving was exhausting. 2 families, 3 stops, 7 hours.  It was lovely, because I love my family. But draining. So I got a little snappy with my mom at the end of the day because my defenses were very low.

But that’s the point. We have the power to choose how we frame things and react to them.

I am a firm believer that we have to be careful about what comes out of our mouth because it can have a large impact. Not only on the person hearing it, but I think it has a bigger energy/karmic impact. It resonates. It’s putting something out in the universe.

Have you ever walked into a room when people were gossiping? Maybe they weren’t talking about you, but when you walk into that room things are negatively charged. It feels tense and awkward. Words have energy.

I try to not put that negative energy into the world. So I feel bad for snapping, I try to stick to the rule “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Because I don’t like hurting people’s feelings,and I really don’t like spreading any kind of bad energy.There is enough of that in the world already.

Choosing what you say and how you react is one way you create your reality. If you choose to react in anger than you are creating that in your reality.

You do not have to have the first reaction that comes to your mind. You do not have to be a victim of what happens to you. You have the power to react in a way that you keep your control and power.

Let me give an example. I snapped at the end of Thanksgiving, but instead I could have said to my mom I was feeling really tense.I could have given her warning that I was feeling on edge and if I snapped I would have at least warned her. I could have removed myself from the room. I could have counted to 10.

You can’t control what happens in life, but you can control how you react to it. Negative emotions create more negative emotions and it snowballs. The same with positive emotions. And I’d much rather have a snowball avalanche of positive.