Here Is Why It Is So Hard To Be Single

I am a very independent person. I can also be introverted and stubborn and opinionated. I like these things about me. I think it is what folds into making me unique. I realize that those things do not necessarily make it easy to be around me, but that is not why I am single. It is also not why it is hard for me to be single.

I don’t struggle with the loneliness, the empty bed, the lack of physical intimacy or confidant. I do just fine cooking and paying for my own meals, and treating myself to something special every once in a while. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I would rather be alone than be with someone that I know for a fact isn’t right.

It is hard to be single because I want so much to have someone to love, and someone that loves me.

That is what makes it hard to let go of some of the men I have cared about in past relationships. I loved them, I invested in them, I gave a piece of myself to them. And the relationship ended, and so did my dream of having someone that I could give all this love to.

Tristan Prettyman sings “What am I to do with all this love for you?” Carrie Bradshaw asked when she asked “When you breakup, where does the love go?”

I can’t speak for anyone but myself so I don’t know how other people do this. But the love and feelings I developed for that special guy just don’t go away as soon as we decide to breakup. I haven’t been cheated on or wronged and the guy didn’t suddenly become some jerk. He’s still that guy, those feelings still swirl around. I wish they magically and instantly evaporate.

Sadly, it’s like my mom says and this is just going to take time.

In reading a lot of Danielle LaPorte’s columns, she wrote one about dream death. Letting go is painful because there was a dream involved that didn’t work out. For me it was the dream that this would be someone I could love who would love me back. So I need to let go of that dream. That dream deserves to be mourned, because it’s a dream that won’t come to fruition.

That is hard for me as a single girl. Not just the letting go, but having this love and no where for it to go. The love I have for my friends or the next boyfriend is different. Maybe this is why single women are stereotyped as having cats. They have cats so they have somewhere to give their love. Pets take love and they give it back. That makes sense.

I don’t really want a pet. I’m not home consistently, and I live in a small studio apartment so there is really only just enough space for me.

So here I am, stuck.

I’ve been trying to meditate and practice letting go. I try to “send him love and light and drop it.” I do believe that there are bigger things than obsessing over failed relationships.

But sometimes it feels hard to stand on my own, without anyone in particular to give my love to and no one that is giving it back and taking care of me.

Can you relate?


6 thoughts on “Here Is Why It Is So Hard To Be Single

  1. Absolutely, I can relate. It’s painful to have this crazy huge amount of deep love, and then not know what to do with it, and how to release it after things end. I struggle with this as well. I try to find the love for myself afterward. I try to slowly concentrate on things that make me happy or will make me happy. Sadly, time is the only thing that changes a situation, as hard as things are at the time.

  2. I definitely have a similar feeling. I have more of a problem with the loneliness than you seem to but I am in a similar situation. I have a career that take a ton of time and I live in a small apartment. I go out to meet ups and speak with random people that show up. I try and expand my circle but I don’t think it is a substitute for having someone who is just there. Someone you can call on and someone who calls on you. Having friends is just not enough sometimes.

  3. I can definitely relate. I DO have a pet – a little dog – and it does help, but it’s not the same as human love. I have cried, weeped even, at the parting of someone I have just met and felt a connection with. I can’t stand to let love go. And for me, love comes on very quickly.

  4. You have a very healthy attitude towards it all. So so so so so ummm so many people settle for something they know it isn’t right, but you know yourself and you know that you are not willing to coexist, or even have something that is “almost” right. No relationship will ever be perfect…they all take work. IMO the most important thing in a relationship is focusing on communication when things are great so that when they are not so great it is easier to work through them. When things get tough and that skill has not been nurtured it is hard to effectively communicate with a partner and grow in healthy direction together, and that is often what cause that sense of not being complete.

    But no…never settle, because you would not want someone doing that to you. Never mold yourself to satisfy another, because fake plastic trees might look pretty, but they never change, they never grow, and they are never something you care as much as you should about, because you didn’t nurture it into what it is…you stuck it in a put and called it good to go. Hope that makes sense.

    As far as hurting, it hurts because a big part of that is real, and aspects of it will always hurt…even if you hate that person now there is still always going to be something there, because you DO strive for more. Love doesn’t go away, it simply decays.

    sorry to be cliche, but one day you will find that person and just know. They will piss you off and you will love them even more after you grow through it together. Why, because the feeling is mutual and strong. Because when you have something that amazing, you know not to let go, even when it is hard.

    I love your writing!

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