I am a very independent person. I can also be introverted and stubborn and opinionated. I like these things about me. I think it is what folds into making me unique. I realize that those things do not necessarily make it easy to be around me, but that is not why I am single. It is also not why it is hard for me to be single.
I don’t struggle with the loneliness, the empty bed, the lack of physical intimacy or confidant. I do just fine cooking and paying for my own meals, and treating myself to something special every once in a while. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I would rather be alone than be with someone that I know for a fact isn’t right.
It is hard to be single because I want so much to have someone to love, and someone that loves me.
That is what makes it hard to let go of some of the men I have cared about in past relationships. I loved them, I invested in them, I gave a piece of myself to them. And the relationship ended, and so did my dream of having someone that I could give all this love to.
Tristan Prettyman sings “What am I to do with all this love for you?” Carrie Bradshaw asked when she asked “When you breakup, where does the love go?”
I can’t speak for anyone but myself so I don’t know how other people do this. But the love and feelings I developed for that special guy just don’t go away as soon as we decide to breakup. I haven’t been cheated on or wronged and the guy didn’t suddenly become some jerk. He’s still that guy, those feelings still swirl around. I wish they magically and instantly evaporate.
Sadly, it’s like my mom says and this is just going to take time.
In reading a lot of Danielle LaPorte’s columns, she wrote one about dream death. Letting go is painful because there was a dream involved that didn’t work out. For me it was the dream that this would be someone I could love who would love me back. So I need to let go of that dream. That dream deserves to be mourned, because it’s a dream that won’t come to fruition.
That is hard for me as a single girl. Not just the letting go, but having this love and no where for it to go. The love I have for my friends or the next boyfriend is different. Maybe this is why single women are stereotyped as having cats. They have cats so they have somewhere to give their love. Pets take love and they give it back. That makes sense.
I don’t really want a pet. I’m not home consistently, and I live in a small studio apartment so there is really only just enough space for me.
So here I am, stuck.
I’ve been trying to meditate and practice letting go. I try to “send him love and light and drop it.” I do believe that there are bigger things than obsessing over failed relationships.
But sometimes it feels hard to stand on my own, without anyone in particular to give my love to and no one that is giving it back and taking care of me.
Can you relate?