Body Image

Everyone has their own Thanksgiving traditions. Personally, I love watching the Today show before the parade where they tell stories about the do-gooders of the world and the children that overcame illnesses. And then, of course, I love the parade. And don’t get me started on the food!

I spent the last three years as a personal trainer so we always had to do some coaching around Thanksgiving about food. And this year, I haven’t been at the gym very much lately. And when I do go to the gym, I’m working out to maintain where I am, not necessarily to get stronger (which is what I used to focus on).

I made this shift when I realized I used to be obsessed about what I ate and how much I could lift and I looked almost exactly the same as when I let myself off the hook a bit and focused on moderation in all areas.

But I haven’t exactly been moderate in all areas. I’ve been tipping more on the lazy sloth side of things. And I’ve started to notice some changes that I don’t quite like.

And I had some realizations. Maybe you can relate.

1. Healthy body image is a constant battle.

I don’t like the word battle, because I don’t like thinking of the relationship with my body as a war. But what I found is that being ok and accepting of my body is something I need to constantly be aware of. If I am not focusing on it, it is surprisingly easy to start picking at the not-Vogue-cover-perfect parts of my body.

I realized I can start focusing on the cellulite on my thighs, the collections of a little extra fat in some areas…and there I go again. I find I need to remind myself that I am lucky to have a healthy, functioning body. I need to celebrate what I have. It’s awesome, it’s what makes me me.

2. Enjoying my food is more important that being strict about what I eat.

My two-year ago self is shaking my head right now. I was very hard core about what I was eating. I strongly believed that it was the best for me now and long term. But I can’t say I ever really lost that bit of back fat or the small bumps around my hips and thighs (not the bones, the layer of extra fat).  Eating that way was a little exhausting. I had to always prepare, I couldn’t always enjoy what I ate because it was so limited.

So I am a little more relaxed now. I enjoy the day that the Burger Truck parks in front of work- it is a celebrated day that we all enjoy around the office. I try to be conscious about getting lots of fruits and vegetables. And I don’t go too crazy with the junk food. I try to pick fresh food over anything processed or frozen and premade. And I watch my portions.

Besides, some days it is fun to have a treat. Like Thanksgiving. All bets are off. I love pie- all kinds. And I am not saying that casually. I literally LOVE pie. So I eat as much as I want.

Enjoying food is part of what life is all about for me. Appreciate that pizza every once in awhile. Enjoy the treats. And be mindful of the healthy fruits and veggies and proteins and whole grains.

3. No one judges you as harshly as you do.

I think that we all think other people think we look like whales. Or we are just walking around looking to criticize others. And maybe there are people that do that. But I believe most of us have way more going on in our lives besides checking out other people’s bodies (beyond glances of admiration and attraction of course).

I think we spend a long time worried we will look awful naked with our lover or in a bathing suit. But the truth is no one notices. And if they notice, it’s not for more than a moment and then they don’t really care.

So if no one cares about your body, you better care.

But you better care in the way that makes sure you are healthy. Are you eating fruits, veggies, protein, whole grains and healthy fat? Are you drinking lots of water? Are you moving regularly with some kind of exercise?

Yes?  That’s what matters! Screw the rest! Something like 97% of women have cellulite so don’t beat yourself up or waste money on expensive creams or treatments. It’s a part of a womanly body. Let go of the idea that others are judging you, and stop judging yourself.

And most importantly:

4. If you’re not feeling happy about your body or in general, find a way to change it.

Sometimes I don’t feel great about my body. But I usually know the answer is because that treat of ice cream has turned into a daily habit. Or I haven’t been to the gym or a yoga class. I know if I move I feel better. I let go of the harsh thoughts and find a way to accept what is.

It’s like Ferris Bueller said “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around every once in a while, you could miss it.”

 

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In Defense Of The One Night Stand

Sometimes things are best left to just one night, they do not need a reprise to be meaningful or exactly what you need. And I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about the convergence of two people that meet, interact just the one time and then they part ways forever.

I met up with some friends on Halloween. I wanted to go out to experience one of the craziest parts of Baltimore at Halloween, I wanted to have a good laugh at all the foolish drunk people walking around in skimpy costumes. I went as Hit Girl from Kick Ass. Honestly, my main motivation was that I got to wear pants and comfortable boots. And a wig. Halloween was not that far after my breakup and I had  no intention of getting the post-breakup haircut. So a purple bobbed wig was a great solution.

While I was in line waiting to get in to the bar where I was meeting my friends, I started chatting with the drunk and friendly guy behind me. I couldn’t help but notice his impossibly tall and handsome Clark Kent friend.

Of course I noticed. But my intent was not to find a Halloween hookup. I didn’t want one of those stories. I was going to spend the evening laughing with my friends and I was going home after one drink.

So when the bar was incredibly packed and he offered to buy me a drink because he already got the bartenders attention. I couldn’t turn it down, but to keep things even I said I’d get the next round. He said they were only doing one drink per bar, so I’d have to join them at the next place. Ah. That’s a key sign of showing interest.

Here is where I started flirting back. After doing a shot together and I went to join my friends, we made eye contact a few times. Hard not to, he was just so tall! He came to join the conversation. By this point, I was over my idea of “just one drink.”

So my friends went home because that was their plan. I went to the next bar. And then the bar after that. We flirted and hung out all night. He tried to have me come home with him, even though “home” that night wasn’t actually home because he was crashing on his friend’s couch because it was more local. I turned him down.

The night ended with him walking me to my car, and some fun making out in the parking garage. We exchanged numbers and texted that night.

And then… nothing.

I was so sure that there would have been a follow up date when I wasn’t wearing a wig and black mask.

Holidays tend to be like a free pass for people. They use it to be a little crazier than normal, and who really knows what the real situation is. And I got exactly what I needed: reassurance that I’ve still got it even though I had gone through a breakup recently. And I went home feeling great.

That was exactly what I needed. Do I wish he had called? Sure. But sometimes things are so much better when they live in the perfect memory of a single night. It doesn’t get spoiled by us fighting or breaking each other’s hearts. It gets to remain that night that I was exactly what I wanted it to be.

Sometimes what I need is the extra bit of male attention. The guys that give their number to me, the ones that buy me a drink or talk to me a little longer than normal. It’s that nice ego boost that I probably don’t need, and maybe it’s not as healthy, but it feels so good in the moment! It’s a big rush to think “ah, this person is interested!”

Sometimes that little bit of extra attention is exactly what I need. Not all the time, just every once in a while. It can stand alone as a once in a while event.

I Can’t Do It Without My Friends

I realized I have been a little breakup-centered lately. Writing is partially how I process things, and I have been processing this breakup a lot. Like I said in my video post, I think that this breakup is absolutely the right thing. But there is still a lot of lessons in this breakup and from this person.

I do believe that people are in our lives as teachers. It’s an idea from A Course in Miracles, and I like the idea a lot. I like it because it feels like nothing is a coincidence. People in our lives have a purpose. And it is all being guided by the universe.

Yeah, it is a little hippy-dippy. I’m ok with that. The idea brings me peace and that’s what matters. I like feeling like the universe is on my side.  It’s like Mastin Kipp says at the Daily Love, “take what resonates and leave the rest.”

When something that is charged with so much emotion happens in my life, I tend to overanalyze it so that I can understand it. When I understand something it is easier for me to accept. So you have been party to me processing, and you have helped, too. Hearing other people’s opinions and having support from people does help a lot.

So it has now been a few weeks since the breakup. (And just one more sign that I am actually in the right place because I have no idea how many weeks. I am actually not counting. Point for me!) And I have almost being singularly-minded towards finding the next guy. Which is especially upsetting to me as I write it here in this blog- a blog I created so that we could all see how important it is to live life to the fullest no matter what a person’s relationship status is.

I had one of the best weeks last week. I got to see some amazing live music, which always lifts my spirits. And earlier in the week I spent time with a good friend who was in town. He moved to Montana to work on the trails in Glacier Park. He hiked, slept outdoors, worked hard. He would work for 10 days straight then go back to the house he shared with a group of other people doing the same thing. He lived very simply

We talked about how nice it was to be in the middle of nowhere, to work hard, to see stars at night, and to live with just necessities. He talked about how weird it was to readjust to driving in a car and having internet and cell phone service again. He showed me many of his photos from the trip, he took over 1,200. It was gorgeous and I was envious of the bare bones lifestyle.

So my buddy Joe and I met up with our other friend Dan. The three of us always would go out for these epic nights of hanging out, debating whatever was on our minds, and a lot of drinking. These boys are dear friends of mine, and I feel incredibly safe when I am with them. We have never really been interested in dating each other, so that tension just isn’t there. We get into trouble, the fun kind. Just enough that I feel a little worse for wear the next day, but I can still make it to work.

I didn’t just feel a little worse for wear physically, I felt mentally refreshed. I almost felt transformed, lifted!

What happened? What did these two guys do, other than keep passing me beer and shots, that made me feel so awesome? Something about these guys make me put down my worries and see the bigger picture. I don’t need to worry about my breakup or my lack of a relationship.

These guys go to more weddings every year than anyone I know. One has been in his relationship for 11 years and the other is steadfastly single. And it barely matters. They give me nothing but support no matter what, along with good natured ribbing. But that’s to be expected.

I no longer felt singularly focused. I had two fun-loving guys to keep up with.

There are bigger things than finding the next relationship. There are things that matter. Like friends, fun, career. Guys will come and go from my life, it doesn’t mean I am a bad person or leading an unfulfilled life. If I fill my life with things that make me happy, that is all that matters.

 

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Here Is Why It Is So Hard To Be Single

I am a very independent person. I can also be introverted and stubborn and opinionated. I like these things about me. I think it is what folds into making me unique. I realize that those things do not necessarily make it easy to be around me, but that is not why I am single. It is also not why it is hard for me to be single.

I don’t struggle with the loneliness, the empty bed, the lack of physical intimacy or confidant. I do just fine cooking and paying for my own meals, and treating myself to something special every once in a while. I know beyond any shadow of a doubt I would rather be alone than be with someone that I know for a fact isn’t right.

It is hard to be single because I want so much to have someone to love, and someone that loves me.

That is what makes it hard to let go of some of the men I have cared about in past relationships. I loved them, I invested in them, I gave a piece of myself to them. And the relationship ended, and so did my dream of having someone that I could give all this love to.

Tristan Prettyman sings “What am I to do with all this love for you?” Carrie Bradshaw asked when she asked “When you breakup, where does the love go?”

I can’t speak for anyone but myself so I don’t know how other people do this. But the love and feelings I developed for that special guy just don’t go away as soon as we decide to breakup. I haven’t been cheated on or wronged and the guy didn’t suddenly become some jerk. He’s still that guy, those feelings still swirl around. I wish they magically and instantly evaporate.

Sadly, it’s like my mom says and this is just going to take time.

In reading a lot of Danielle LaPorte’s columns, she wrote one about dream death. Letting go is painful because there was a dream involved that didn’t work out. For me it was the dream that this would be someone I could love who would love me back. So I need to let go of that dream. That dream deserves to be mourned, because it’s a dream that won’t come to fruition.

That is hard for me as a single girl. Not just the letting go, but having this love and no where for it to go. The love I have for my friends or the next boyfriend is different. Maybe this is why single women are stereotyped as having cats. They have cats so they have somewhere to give their love. Pets take love and they give it back. That makes sense.

I don’t really want a pet. I’m not home consistently, and I live in a small studio apartment so there is really only just enough space for me.

So here I am, stuck.

I’ve been trying to meditate and practice letting go. I try to “send him love and light and drop it.” I do believe that there are bigger things than obsessing over failed relationships.

But sometimes it feels hard to stand on my own, without anyone in particular to give my love to and no one that is giving it back and taking care of me.

Can you relate?

Letting Go Of Perfectionsism

I used to sell makeup and high quality anti-aging products through one of those businesses that does parties in people’s homes. I always thought I would be a natural for this kind of thing. I like sales, I love forming relationships with people, I loved the products. And I have big ideas for what I want my life to be. I always thought it would make sense.

At some point, I just started to dread appointments because it took me out of my home. (I am an extrovert – introvert, on a personality test I am 1% more extrovert than introvert.) Sometimes I have these extensive periods where I really want to be home, and that’s all. It’s usually in cold weather months, or when I am really busy and need to recoup.

Even though I ended up being a bit of a flop at the business, it offered a lot of business lessons. I did a lot of reading about business, and learned a lot about relationships. Part of the business model was teaching other people to do what you do and build a team. No, this isn’t a pyramid scheme. A pyramid scheme means the people that brought you in make more off of what you do than what you make. In this business model, no one ever makes nearly as much commission as you do, but your teacher makes a small commission of around 1-2% because they taught you what you know. It’s like in business when your boss makes more money than you do.

I was always afraid of asking people to look at the business. I was afraid I was going to say the wrong thing, so I just never said anything.

One of the women that trained me used to tell me “You can never say the wrong thing to the right person.”

It’s true. The right person sees potential and opportunity. They are full of excitement and hope.

This is exactly the same in life. I can often get hung up on the perfect outfit, making my hair and makeup look perfect, and showing up as the best, most entertaining and engaging version of myself. When I step foot outside of my house, I try to be perfect. If not perfect then at least presentable.

But that all goes back to my perfectionism. I have a need to be perfect, to say perfect things, to appear and present myself as perfect. I’m dealing with that and working allow myself to know that I am enough as I am and I don’t have to be perfect. I’m letting go of perfect.

And last night I had drinks with a friend. And I had my work clothes on, which wasn’t the perfect outfit I had hoped for. And I was wearing my glasses and basically no makeup. And all the polite things I had planned to ask went out the window when we started talking. I wanted to hear all about my friend’s plans for his new life as he is preparing to move. And we started talking about me, and he kept asking about some big changes in my life. And I spent way more time talking about me.

But we still had a great time. We had fun and conversation didn’t stop once. It was a great evening with a really good friend that I will miss when he moves. And I wasn’t perfect and I didn’t say the perfect things. And it didn’t matter.

None of that matters with the right person.

The right person doesn’t expect perfect. They expect you as you.

 

Let It Burn

I like interior design metaphors. They make a lot of sense in my head and visuals make things clearer for me. Obviously. It also probably explains my recent Pinterest kick.

So as I was reading Danielle LaPorte’s new post about ending relationships I had a strong visual come to mind.

Danielle LaPorte titled her post “Destroy before you create.” Close the door. End it. Torch it. Start fresh. From her days as an interior designer, she knew the only way to redesign a room was to start completely fresh.  Remove what was there and make a blank canvas. Here is my favorite passage:

Destroy before you create. tweet

Before you give your heart away… (and I hope you give your heart away,) cut-cut-cut the cords from your old lover, nuke your expired hopes (they are holding you back), erase your broken yesterday from your story. Gut the pain. Have adream funeral.

 

It was a major ah-ha moment for me. I always struggled with moving on. Letting go has never been my strong suit with anything. I have always thought I could force or manipulate things to become what I want. I know that’s not true. How can you build something new on an old foundation of old hopes and dreams?

For the guys that I really liked, I tend to remember those really good things. I hang on to the potential. What could have been if things had just been a little bit different. Maybe if he hadn’t been such a workaholic. Or maybe if I was a little bit cooler. What if I fought harder to make it work, be more of what he wanted. All those what ifs that feel unresolved. Those things that were so right, how could it be wrong.

I need to see the reality. See the people for who they are. Nice guys that chose to leave, that chose to not be a part of my life anymore. And if I am really being honest, I didn’t see them as the love of my life either. There wasn’t that gut feeling that this was it, or that he was treating me the way I wanted to be treated.

Of course there are feelings left over, feelings that I care for some of these guys. A spark that we’re attracted to each other. That’s natural. I wouldn’t have dated these guys if there hadn’t been something there from the beginning. That will go away eventually, or at least I learn to see it for what it is- attraction without substance.

So it is time to burn those old hopes down. Torch them, get rid of it because it is nothing worth going back to. There is too much opportunity and potential out in front of me.

Empty the room. Get rid of all the old, clear it out. Pull it out into the light and evaluate what has value and lose the rest. Nothing comes into my space that doesn’t have value and meaning for me and my life moving forward. The past is nothing but a memory, it has no purpose in my space. Get rid of the old to make room for the new.

And I would so much rather have space in anticipation of the perfect fit than keep it cluttered and filled with the wrong stuff. Space has potential. Space has hope.

 

The Valley Of Despair

Don’t worry, I am no longer in the Valley of Despair. Just wanted to be clear and get that out of the way.

About a week after the breakup I just felt really low. I knew that the breakup was the right thing but I couldn’t stop wondering “Why didn’t he pick me? What is wrong with me? Will I ever find anyone that loves me, that chooses me, that wants me in his life? Will I ever find anyone that understands me the way he did?”

Besides my woes over the breakup, I also felt like I was struggling at work. The one thing that has been an absolute joy in my life, the thing that challenged me, that kept me busy and on my toes. And I loved every minute. Until I felt like I had let things slip through the cracks.

I called my best friend, like you do in these times. We went out for a glass of wine so we could talk in person, I really wanted the company. I cried a little at the bar, it was the total of all the problems I was facing and I couldn’t stop it from coming out of my eyeballs.

She rubbed my arm in that comforting way and said “You’re just in the Valley of Despair.”

It sounded so dramatic that I couldn’t help but laugh and sarcastically thank her.

Then she explained the Valley of Despair. She said no one is there permanently, it’s just a short stay. Sometimes it can feel longer because parts of getting in and out of the Valley are pretty low too. But in every life we have peaks and valleys and we all go through it. Sometimes you’re up, and sometimes you are down at the bottom. But one always comes out again.

Somehow, hearing this made me feel better. I was just going through a phase, something that would be temporary, and everyone goes through it! As if I needed the reinforcement, I found a handy-dandy chart on Pinterest!

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Yeah, that pretty much summed it up. There was something comforting knowing that it would be temporary. I’m lucky that it was short and exactly by the book. I’m still on the upswing, I don’t think I’ve gone through all those steps yet. I am probably somewhere in the “new” phases, perhaps hope is starting to sneak in there, too.

The Valley of Despair is brief. Mine was very short, but I think I grieved that relationship for a while before it was actually over. I was ready for it, I had already started bolstering myself with breakup songs and meeting new people. Maybe because last time I was so caught off guard that I ignored the beginning of the end last time, and I refused to do that again. Maybe I jumped ship before it was really early and I shouldn’t have given up.

Meh, what can you do? I know that when it’s the right guy there is nothing I can do to mess it up. The right guy won’t be pushed away so easily. The right guy won’t make me wonder how he feels or make me feel like crying. The right guy will have no reason to put me through the stages of grief.

There is no reason to be hung up on a guy that isn’t the right guy, the one that chose to leave and walk away. I just need to keep walking, keep marching my way out of the Valley because new things are ahead of me. There are better things on the horizon, I just need to get out of the Valley first. It’s hard to see people when you are so low, down there!

 

 

Response To “The Cool Girl” In Gone Girl

If i am being honest I would be hard pressed to find a girl who hasn’t tried to play “The Cool Girl” to impress a guy at some point in her life.

In case you are like me and are only just now seeing the movie or haven’t seen it yet, I am referring to the now infamous speech from Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl that the main female character Amy Dunne gives in regards to her disdain for what women go through in order to please and keep a man.

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl

“Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, co-workers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them.”

This speech has caused the same female backlash  that Fight Club created among men. Men finally found their hero in Tyler Durden, and women found a heroine in Amy Dunne. Sure Tyler is a psychopath and imaginary, and Amy is as textbook psychopath as it gets. Maybe it takes that fictional extreme to shake up our own expectations of ourselves and to take an honest look at our habitual choices.

I am calling them habitual choices, the choices we make out of habit and don’t think very much about them. I think this is how The Cool Girl came to be- she wasn’t thinking very much after a while.

I think the first time a girl decides to change who she is to align more with her man’s interests it is a very intentional choice. She wants to be liked so she observes his behavior and his friends’ behavior and adapts to become more like him. In a way, it is smart. Psychology says that we like people like ourselves, so we would want to keep those people around.

But it is very false, the girl is pretending to be something that she’s not. And over time, as she goes from boyfriend to boyfriend she begins to lose pieces of herself. She starts to think she is that Cool Girl, it becomes her personality in between boyfriends too. And some day, perhaps many years in the future, she has a breakdown because she doesn’t recognize her own life, she doesn’t know who she is or what she wants. Sometimes she is so far down her path with a marriage, kids, house and a job it seems hopeless and too late to make a change. She is trapped and desperate.

And completely relatable. We women know that confused “How did I get here” feeling.

I spent many years in my twenties doing this. I actually watched some girl friends of mine, the ones that the men loved to hang around. I tried to be more like those girls. Those were the Cool Girls. They were chill and laid back. They drank beer, had a football team that they cheered for. Their clothes were form fitting enough to reveal curves. They were runners and played on the social sports teams in the park. Yep, pretty much text book Cool Girl.

So I tried to do that. It has never worked, and it never became natural. Thankfully at the same time I also went into a phase where I read a ton of business and self development books. And what I kept hearing over and over was that I needed to be myself, that people would be attracted to my authentic self.

So you know what I found? I really hate those social sport teams. I really do like good beer. I like health food, and I turn to junk food when I am stressed. I like to find a balance between extroverted and introverted and my alone time can be extremely precious. I must read the Sunday New York Times or my week starts on a bad foot.

I will be honest that I have been trying to adapt to what other people want from me most of my life. It extends beyond what a guy wants, I do it for everyone. I am a people pleaser. That is very natural to me, to assess what someone is looking for and to become that. But that doesn’t mean I actually get to be myself, I become whoever they want me to be.

The Cool Girl doesn’t exist. Well, 90% to the Cool Girls do not exist. There are a few girls out there that are the kind of chill, beer-loving guy’s kind of gal. But we should all stop faking it, stop forcing something that we’re not, stop trying to fit a single mold. There is someone out there that thinks you’re cool just as you are, even when you are the farthest thing from cool.

In Defense Of The Crazy Girl

I normally tend to play things cool. Almost too cool that people sometimes don’t know how I am feeling. Not that it works for me all the time. But I don’t go off the handle, I don’t scream and pick fights, I rarely ever lose my shit. I have my shit contained and it stays that way. Most of the time.

But damn, sometimes I wish I was the crazy girl. Sometimes I wish the girl that made guys a little nervous. “What’s she going to do?? I just don’t know! I better be on my best behavior!”

I think a lot of men are attracted to a little crazy. Gosh, I don’t just think that, I know it. I’ve dated many men that look back  at past relationships and say “I don’t know why I stayed so long, but it was so exciting.” I have also heard men admit they were afraid of what would happen when they would break up so they delayed breaking up.

So crazy keeps the girl in a relationship a little bit longer even though he is a little afraid of her. Sounds like horrible advice actually when you put it that way.

So I am not saying that the crazy girls are on to something when they keep people afraid of them. That is no way to live your life. In fact, please don’t take any of this as advice, that someone should behave like a crazy person in order to be happy or to have a successful relationship. But the authenticity that those people have- that they are a live wire that could go off at any moment, IS exciting and who doesn’t enjoy being around energy like that?

I think to some extent a lot people seek excitement. Especially in romantic relationships. They think that feeling of excitement, that spark, that jump in their stomach is the sign of a good relationship. It’s really just uncertainty. It’s drama. People love that stuff.

I know I am guilty of it too. I am guilty of creating drama in my head when there isn’t any in my real life. I am pretty good at getting myself worked up over nothing, just to create some feelings of excitement. The crazy girl does that naturally.

When I worked with an acupuncturist I learned a lot about the different types of people. He studied elemental acupuncture, which focused on the primary and secondary elements naturally present in each individual. There are lots of websites that explain 5 element acupuncture, but the ones that jump out at me that would be associated with a metal or firey person.

Even for someone that doesn’t know anything about acupuncture can see why a person with the element of fire would be a little dramatic and prone to anger. A metal person is incredibly sharp. I know when I imagine and picture metal I see sharp edges, perfectly polished and shiny sheets. I would imagine that combination would bring about someone that is definitely willing to let go and fly off the handle without caring what other people think.

My primary elements are earth and fire. Earthy people are extremely compassionate and feeling and sensitive. I think that side of me prevents me from being overly dramatic and crazy. But maybe I should tap into that more. If it is there, I should not hold it back. Maybe I should explore it and see if there is any truth in that feeling. It is easy if a person has mental elements because they don’t particularly have the same level of compassion and empathy for others, they are who they are unapologetically and they don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.

Maybe there is something to be learned from the attitude of not giving  a shit about what people think and I should just go with the feeling. If I feel a little crazy, I should let myself be a little crazy. Why not? What’s the worst thing that can happen? Maybe I find it is as fun as it looks.

Or maybe I find it feels completely unnatural and inauthentic and I abandon it and go back to how things have been.

What is most important is that I follow my feelings. There is truth in my feelings, and I shouldn’t deny them. I shy away from the label of crazy because it seems like such a negative thing. But it doesn’t have to be negative. And there are far worse things that could be said about someone.

So maybe crazy girls are on to something, honesty. Which is funny, because I am also writing about The Cool Girl, which is completely about being dishonest. To be continued.