How To Have An Unhealthy Breakup

First, start by keeping your mouth shut for as long as possible during the breakup. Does something bother you? Don’t mention it. It’s probably in your head. Or, it really is worth bringing up, but that time is when you should really not say anything.

Let it bubble up inside, and keep turning it over and over in your head. Vent to your friends, tell them all the dirty details about your relationship. They’ll take your side and tell you how right you are, how you deserve better. Remember that, you’re going to want it as fuel later. That’s good material to throw in your guy’s face.

From here, you have a fork in the road and you get to choose your own adventure. Path one leads you down the road of not saying anything until you explode and have a kick ass, drag each other down fight.

Path two leads to the same kind of fight. But you figure out ways to make him start it. Because in an unhealthy breakup it is way better to never say how you feel and to force him to do exactly what you want.

Should you choose the second path, buckle up for some fun. If you have been dating the guy long enough to know what pushes his buttons it is time to push them all. Pick fights for no reason and leave them unresolved. Insult his hair, manhood, fitness, ability to pleasure you. Compare him to other men you see and your ex boyfriends and let him know exactly how he does not stack up. Insult his mother. Get him drunk. You get drunk too, and make sure it is in front of his friends so your behavior can embarrass him thoroughly. Pull out every insult in the book. You do whatever you gotta do to get him to fight with you.

Now that you’re in the middle of the fight, pull out all the old skeletons. Anything that you’ve been holding on to, this is the moment to bring it all up. Use it all as ammo. List them off as all his offenses. Make sure he really looks like the bad guy. Use quotes from your friends to support your case. Bring up anything you haven’t mentioned and if you and he fought before bring up those issues too. Unhealthy breakups require you to use every issue you have and ever had and can make up in your head.

Make sure you get to the point of no return where there is no healing what has been said. Say all those awful things that will cut him to the core, make sure you cannot go back. Burn the bridges. Make sure you let him know what a bad guy he is.

Ah, freedom. Now you are broken up. Here comes the really fun part.

Cry. Cry all the time. Cry until your eyes are puffy and red and you’ve given yourself a headache. Cry in those big heaving moans and never stop. Annoy all of your friends with how much you cry. Do it in public places as much as possible, especially work and any restaurant, bars, parks or anywhere else you are a regular.

Speaking of work, let this completely distract you from doing a good job. Try to not cry at your desk, but only if trying to not cry is uglier and more awkward than actually crying. Run to the bathroom and cry loudly whenever you get a chance.

Go to the bar whenever you can, drink as much as you can. When you drink tell the bartender all about your problems and blame everything on your ex. Make sure you paint a clear picture of how much he wronged you. When you’re not sobbing to the bartender, try to pick up a dude to make you forget about your lousy ex. Because the only way to move on is to have another guy tell you you are pretty and take you home for meaningless sex.

This is important: Only pick up men that would make your ex jealous though. Does your ex wish he was taller, more successful, had more hair, could grow a full beard, was better in bed. Find a guy hotter, taller, more studly than your ex. There is a chance your ex just may see you going home with someone. Especially if you post something suggestive on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram.

So use your feminine wiles to go home with a guy. Do whatever it takes to go home with him because this is the only thing that will help you move on and feel good again. Once you get home, spill your guts about the ex, and cry in bed. Don’t go through with sex. Or start things and then start crying again so the man in bed with you feels really awkward. Tell him all about how great your ex was, what a man he was, and how things are so screwed up. Blame yourself if you want, try to look like a loser. This time, it is ok. Because in this part of the unhealthy breakup you really want to be awkward and to make everyone around you feel awkward.

Just when you think it is time to move on, call the ex. Try to get back together. Use every trick you’ve got. It may or not work. That’s not important. Just make yourself look pathetic and weak. Extend that feeling as long as possible.

Someday it will naturally get old and exhausting. Let that feeling come and give in to it. When you’re ready you can drop the awkward, pathetic and weak game. You can pull yourself together and go back to real life.

Here’s the catch: always hold out hope that he is coming back. Know that he will, because what you had was so special you wouldn’t have gone through all this trouble otherwise. He is the only one in the entire world. In a world of billions of men, he is the only one.

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4 thoughts on “How To Have An Unhealthy Breakup

  1. I meant to comment on your video from last week…well done~ blogging/writing is good but pales in comparison to really saying the words out loud.
    I completely agree with this post- i think we are all guilty of a few these, from time to time
    growth and progress comes from limiting yourself to only a few…

    • Thanks for the notes. I sure hope no one actually goes through a breakup that way. I tried to imagine something that would be beyond what I thought people would do. But I think I could probably take it even farther to make it more ridiculous!

  2. It’s sad and distressing to think that anyone goes through it as you described. As someone lucky enough to have a marriage fail as splendidly as mine did, and I mean that in a literal sense, we are great friends and even still occupy the same house with our kids. I truly wish more people could experience a healthy split. Thank you for an enlightening read.

    • Relationships failing is always hard. I hope that even if I have an ugly one (this post was a total exaggeration of what I think an awful breakup would be!) that I can learn from it. I do believe that people are sent to us as lessons. And even though things didn’t work out with this guy, I certainly learned a lot from the time I spent with him. And thank god I didn’t haven’t put myself through a breakup like this.

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