I hate to admit this out loud, but I will because I think there is a valuable lesson. I knew my relationship was never going to last.
I don’t mean this in just a way that is knowing in hindsight. When you look back at something and you see clearly all the red flags that you missed. I mean a knowing gut feeling telling me there was an expiration date coming up- soon.
I think it is because I heard my gut speaking so clearly that I could take time to brace myself for the end. Then the end, while sad, wasn’t a surprise and wasn’t devastating.
I remember having a conversation about my search for my adoptive parents and he asked why I waited until now. I told him because I never felt ready to commit to what I wanted this to be. I never felt like I was emotionally ready for it, I wasn’t prepared to deal with the huge range of possibilities of what could happen-good or bad. And I suddenly felt a rock in the pit of my stomach. This guy was the same age that I was when I was debating about my adoption search and I wasn’t ready then. He probably isn’t either. He probably is not ready for me, he is still immature.
I don’t mean immature in a put down kind of way. I mean it as an accurate description of a younger man.
I knew then. I knew it wasn’t going to last.
I remember having a girls’ night where we went to see his play. I was extremely upset because I found out that one of the other women he was dating was going to be at the show and they already had plans afterward. Tickets had already been purchased, otherwise I think we all would’ve ditched it and went out drinking. So I had my girls around me, and at least I had support.
Over beers after the show the girls laid it all out. They told me it is basically over because of the difference in our maturity levels (there’s that immaturity again), he just can’t step up for me in the way that I deserve. The girls were extremely supportive, and said they will be there through whatever I decide, but I need to know that it is basically over I just have to choose when I want to end it. How long to I want to prolong this inevitable?
And it was a bitter pill but I knew it was what I needed to hear. I knew they were right. Otherwise I would have argued against what they said. But I didn’t. I took what they had to say and I sat with it and reflected on it, because in my gut I knew it was right.
I didn’t act on what my gut knew to be the truth right away. I like to think I am that person that follows her gut feeling. This time I didn’t because I didn’t want to change certain circumstances, he and I had plans together for weddings and other events, and I also decided I ultimately wanted to give him a chance to step up and prove me wrong. He didn’t prove me wrong.
That gut feeling is really all knowing. Especially when you trust it. The more you trust it the stronger it gets.
It was nice being reassured about the power of intuition this week in an email blast from Danielle LaPorte. Danielle makes business decisions based on her gut. And that was a huge, blow your hair back kind of moment for me. That is a big decision to make based on intuition. On just a feeling.
I know I doubt my intuition sometimes because it is just a feeling. I do I know I am interpreting it right? How do I know that it knows best? What if I’m wrong? What if I should work harder, try harder, push through?
I am too good at thinking through things and using my head and logic. I can force myself through situations if I think through them. I can convince myself of just about anything if I can logically believe it. This is extremely dangerous, especially in love. And when it comes to listening to a feeling, it feels so ungrounded.
But that feeling truly is all knowing. It is coming from a part of myself that is wise, it already knows, it’s connected to the universe. I believe in a greater power, God or the Universe that has a plan for me. I believe intuition is tapped into that plan and it is our way of communicating with the greater power.
I am so afraid of making a mistake that I often do not trust that feeling. I am afraid that I misunderstand the message and that it makes no sense. Or that I will regret it later and a bridge is burned that I can’t go back down.
But I guess the point of trusting your gut is knowing that it’s putting you on the path towards something greater. It’s trusting your own wisdom, proving to yourself that you are wise and worthy of making big important decisions.
When the ex and I were having these bigger conversation about dating, life and love he would keep saying “I don’t know.” I hate that because it’s an easy out. I told him with a sigh “You already know. It’s just hard because it might cause change or pain. But deep down if you listen to yourself you already know.”
What he already knew was exactly what I already knew. We were over, we had bigger things in front of us than each other. And because my gut said the same thing, I can be sad that things are changing but I know that something much, much better is ahead of me so I can’t be that sad for long.
It’s just not worth it when there is so much to celebrate. Besides, if I’m crying all the time I won’t be able to see the opportunities!