I could use a change just to shake things up. I am tired of playing the same games when it comes to dating. I am tired of men not valuing me. I’m tired of them not telling me that they value me.
I sporadically dated a guy over the winter that randomly texted me the other day. This isn’t unusual for me. And it’s not that I particularly cared that he contacted me, I didn’t care on way or another. I just chatted with him like I would with any friend that resurfaced. But then out of no where he started to go on about how amazing I am.
Well, this is different I thought. And it’s really nice to hear.
So I thanked him and left it at that.
But why is that so rare? Why is that so unusual for a guy to tell me how special I am, how fantastic I was when we dated. How I should never for a moment forget how unique and wonderful I am. (it didn’t feel this heavy-handed when we were texting but relaying it back it certainly does feel heavy handed)
I’ve been giving this whole topic a lot of thought lately anyway. I’ve taken a look at the men I date and I am disappointed in them and also in myself. I settle for a lot less than I deserve.
It’s time to overhaul my life and get rid of the things that don’t see my value.
I have read this advice for a long time and I don’t think it ever clicked until recently. Partially because I just started to realize that other people really do see my worth. Maybe I always thought that people would love me over time. They had to get to know me first and love and respect comes up over time.
I started a new job three months ago and I love it. I love how good I am at this job, it’s like it was made for me. I love where I am working. I love all the people I work with. I am working around some people that are at the top of their field and I get to learn from them. Plus I am around some sweet, hard working people that I can relate to because we are all trying to accomplish the same thing.
But you know what is even better? I am surrounded by a bunch of people that I immediately click with. Those people instantly “get me.” You know that feeling like when someone understands you without much effort on anyone’s part. That kind of ease I thought was so rare. But maybe it’s not.
Being around a bunch of people that support me and have my back no matter what has shown me what it really means to be loved. There are no questions asked. No explanation needed. they just know that I am awesome.
These people needed so little from me to justify why I am a great person. Maybe this sounds weird, but I am being absolutely honest. I thought I always had to prove myself to people.
So being around these people that automatically accepted and saw that I was a great person from the word “go” has shown me that there are still people in my life that don’t feel that way. They raised the bar. If I have to justify myself and explain myself then they will never get it.
It’s like telling a joke to people and you have to explain the punchline. They either get it or they don’t.
And I don’t need to hang on to the people that don’t.
I’m already dreading how painful it will be to let go of some people. Do I tell them that it’s over? Do I just stop hanging out with them? Do I have to explain that we just have to work too hard to be friends and we deserve to be friends with people that make it easy?
Whatever the answer to those questions may be, it feels like the right next step.
The other part that feels uncomfortable is knowing that if I ask these people to leave my life I am worried that there will be a hole. I’m worried that if I set the bar higher in my life for people that should love me for who I am (not just half love me) that nothing will fill up the space they have left.
Apparently it is a common thing to believe that a small amount of love is better than no love. But it is nearly impossible for them to describe what full love feels like. So if you are like me, you don’t even know that you are settling for just a little bit of love. People can describe what love feels like but it all seems like just words. Like mush that people just say.
But what I have come to learn is that we can’t grant the same access to our hearts to everyone. We must set levels and boundaries. If you imagine the way water ripples out when you drop a pebble. The smallest circle is closest to the center and the ripples get large and farther out after that. People that have proven to me that they can handle me deserve to be in the levels that are closer. There are very few of these people.
I think I am too liberal with who I allow this close. I allowed people into that inner circle that couldn’t handle me, they didn’t stick around when things were tough and they disappeared when I needed them. Or, even worse, they give the exact wrong support. There is nothing that makes me feel worse than someone that I turn to for support and think they’re being helpful by putting someone else down.
So I am getting stricter with my boundaries, stricter with who I let in to the inner circle. And I am ushering a few people into that really wide circle. They are an acquaintance that I will be familiar with but they don’t get the details of my life.
It’s hard because there are some people that I care about, but they just haven’t proven that they are worthy of my inner circle.