11:11

I read somewhere that when you read all ones on a clock it is the angel hour. Like, your guardian angel is looking out for you or something.

I don’t know what truth there is to it, but isn’t it nice to think about?

I started writing this post at 11:11 one night.

I started as tired and needing sleep, but I couldn’t not write. It was one of those nights.

The last time I could remember a night like this was waking up in the middle of the night after a date to write about how Cleopatra would date in the modern age. I wrote a whole post (this is before I started this blog, so what would you call a post that was never posted?) about it.  I should look it up, edit it and post it sometime. I still find it interesting, I think Cleopatra would be appalled with the behavior of the modern man.

But that is not why I started writing on this night.

I started writing because I really let someone have it. I said what I’ve been thinking for the last two months, and I didn’t really hold back. I said what I was thinking, how hurt I felt, and how it effected others.

We talked for a while. I told him in the end I care about him no matter what, and he should do whatever makes him happy. Because that is exactly how I feel.

I can’t really say I’ve ever felt this way about anyone else. I know what makes me happy but I also want him to be happy. It’s important that he chooses whatever makes him happy. And if what I want and what he wants doesn’t align, I am willing to move forward.

I suppose I have gotten cynical in my old age. I have already braced myself for the worst.

Maybe I do that because it is easy to be overjoyed and happy. It is harder to accept a sad fact. So maybe I brace for the sad part because it is harder to deal with. Maybe I think that if I am ready for the worst that I can deal with anything.

Is that true?

I’ve been feeling confused lately. Perhaps it’s a symptom of too little sleep and too much work. Which is ending soon, thank goodness.

I have been having the time of my life. I love my job, I love my friends, and when I go out with the men that I’ve been dating I have a blast. It would probably come as no surprise that one of the men has taken a lead in the race for my attention.

And it’s confusing because when we are together things are blissful, what I always wanted from someone that I’m dating. When we’re apart, my mind races with reasons why it’s wrong. He’s dating other people, so I think of all the fun and great times he has with them. And I nitpick all the things that he’s doing wrong- not calling or texting and not planning dates ahead of time, etc. All silly things.

So I get myself confused. And into the state I was in yesterday.

And I found this print on etsy and decided it summed everything up nicely. It doesn’t offer a solution, it just states fact.

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And reading that it felt like i could breathe again.

Sometimes you need someone to remind you that you have permission to take deep breaths.

It reminded me that there is another side to the confusion. There is an end, it will become clear.

I don’t need the answers right now. The confusion will become clear on the other side, eventually. Whenever I get to the other side. I don’t need to rush to it. It will get there in its right time.

Between Anais Nin and  angels, I think I will be ok.

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