I was at work the other day and I had this moment where I stepped outside of myself and took a look at my life. I asked myself when did I become the girl that lets her life be dictated by boys?
At what point in my life did I become obsessed with boys to the point that it consumes what I think about, how I behave and how I feel? When did I think it was ok for a boy to have the kind of power over me that I let it decide how I feel on a day when I don’t even see a boy?
And I’ve been emailing with a good friend that live in Colorado. And as I was asking myself these questions I could hear her voice tell me “SArah you’ve been like that as long as I’ve known you.”
Which was an unfortunate wake up call to me. Which spun me back into the questions. WHEN did all that start?
Was it high school? When I had my first kiss and my first boyfriend? Or was it before that? In middle school, when I had my first crushes and I was jealous of the girls that had the boyfriend for two weeks and then they broke up. Was it the first time I watched Dirty Dancing at a slumber party?
I can remember carpooling home from work with my roommate, and we kept talking about the guys I had dated or met. I don’t remember the specifics. I do remember this feeling of not wanting to talk about it anymore. Very clearly I felt neither of us really wanted to talk about that anymore because aren’t there more interesting things to talk about than a boy I had just met? And we didn’t really have much else to say so we sat and listened to the radio.
I know that I am smart and funny. I have thoughts that are not about boys. I read books, and newspapers, and watch television shows. I listen to music and go to plays. Why do I automatically go to talking about boys?!
And I don’t have an answer.
What disturbs me even more is the way that I can have my mood and energy shifted so dramatically when things don’t go the way that I want them to. My energy drops and I get mopey. Despite whatever great things I have going on in my life.
And I don’t know if that is something I should try to ignore.
Ignore isn’t the right word. I know better than to ignore feelings. Ignoring feelings just pushes them down and makes them amplified to explode later. I know that always backfires.
What I meant was I should let go of the feelings. Feel them, let them pass through me and then let them go. But probably more accurately what I end up doing is feeling them over and over and over again. I hang on to them and let them pull me down all day long.