Is Anyone Else Hopelessly Confused By Men?

Let me start with a preface. I know I have a lot of men that read this blog and rest assured that there will be no man-bashing in this post. I am merely voicing my confusion about the different ways that men and women communicate. And if you can provide guidance and the male opinion on these things please feel free to chime in.

And women, if you are also confused by men by these or any other reasons also please feel free to chime in.

Men confuse me when…

They put in a bunch of effort to get to know me and then they completely ghost. Why bother? Did you get to know me and realize you don’t like me?

I find this confusing because by this point in my life I feel like I have become a good judge of character. If I find you interesting and attractive, I feel like it is mutual. I wouldn’t put myself out there if I didn’t think it was mutual to begin with.

Yes, I realize that not everyone is going to be “in to me.” There are some people that won’t like me. But I feel like i have picked up pretty good radar for this.

And maybe my radar was on the blitz, maybe my judgement was clouded because I wanted this to solve a specific problem. And I know better than to expect a man to be an answer to any problem. I know the answer is usually within myself anyway.

Well, how about that. Maybe I solved my own confusion.

Regardless, doesn’t everyone want to be wanted to the degree that they want someone else? And perhaps my frustration is misplaced. I want to be wanted. And I feel frustrated because I do not feel wanted.

I am also confused about why men insist on dating the bad girl, the girl that brings drama wherever she goes.

And if you’re going to say that the answer is as simple as it’s the same reason why girl date bad boys I must argue against this. Bad girls and bad boys are totally different things.

I cannot explain why women date jerks anymore that I can explain why men date bad girls.

A bad girl is very different from a naughty girl. Just like a bad boy and a jerk are totally different. Bad girls and jerks leave you hanging, they manipulate, they control, they lie. The bad boys and naughty girls have fun, live passionately and spontaneously and break the rules. It is never meant to be selfish or hurtful.

So it baffles me why anyone would settle for someone with bad intentions. Someone acting from a place of total selfishness. It’s those people when they’re dating the great guy or girl and everyone around them looks at the relationship and just knows it is doomed.

Why does everyone else see it except for the person in the throes of the relationship. Just like I knew inside why a guy didn’t like me back, does the guy really know that this girl is bad for him? Is there hope that he will wake up and see it himself? And may I request that he sees it sooner rather than later??

I am also confused about why men always think they are going to break a woman. I have heard from so many of my guy friends that they avoid telling the truth because they think they are going to hurt the girl’s feelings. They are worried they are going to make her cry or she is going to make a scene.

Why do men hate a woman crying more than anything? They hate causing it and avoid it at all costs.

Maybe the intent behind it is is simply because the guy cares enough to not want to see the girl sad. Which is a nice thought. However, the avoidance of that causes a lot more pain and sadness than just telling the truth. They just don’t have to see it if they disappear.

A guy doesn’t realize that women are driven nuts by not knowing. A friend told me a story about this guy she knew that wanted to avoid the awkward breaking up conversation so much that he packed up all his stuff while his girlfriend was at work and left. Apparently last time he had the conversation with her, she cried and begged him to stay so he did. And he wanted to avoid that scene again so he left when she was gone.

I get the fact that a guy that wants to leave is just going to leave. But I feel that the universe was looking out for women because he found himself on a date with a woman that ended up having a couple drinks and ended up crying at the table because her ex boyfriend did the exact same thing. So justice was served. He still had to face the pain of leaving in the middle of the day.

So it’s unavoidable. And if the guy is doing it to avoid causing pain that they have to witness, then they are being cowardly and immature. Be a man, say what you’re thinking and let her have the peace  of mind so she can move on.

Three simple things that I find utterly confusing. If you can provide insight it would be helpful. What would be even better if people could spread the word and ask men to stop doing these things and to be a little more clear.

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Is Anyone Else Hopelessly Confused By Men?

  1. Mmm… I’ll give a full reply in a while, but effectively, this is what I read in your post. ..

    There are these “men” who show interest and then decide they you’re not for them or they are not for you. So they break things off without actually saying so. You feel hurry by this…

    And that’s the part I think you need to address. Please take this without judgement

    Men have not been encouraged to speak their minds, for the reason you mentioned – they don’t want to hurry you or see you cry. It’s not confusion in how men communicate, it’s that most men don’t know how to say ‘I’m not interested in you’.

    I’ve got more, but I need to think about my words carefully.

  2. One the main sentiments I’m picking up, and I could be WAY off with this, is that you see the actions of these men as a judgment on you as a person. As I mentioned, most men have not been socialised to express emotions, so it tends to be a doubly difficult situation for them. (I’m not trying to gain sympathy for men, maybe a little, but mostly just trying to explain for their part) Firstly, they have to deal with their own insecurity around voicing their feelings towards you – In this case, “I’m not interested” – and then they have to not make their anxiety around inflicting pain on you, turn into a self-judgment about being a ‘jerk’.

    Men struggle to simple speak feelings of their own sadness, imagine how making someone else sad makes them feel?

    The idea in society of men being strong, impervious and always rational has destroyed one of the special privileges of relationships – HONESTY. Real honesty is about being truthful of where you are within the relationship, not telling the other person every detail of the day, but rather sharing the significant effect an event might have had on them. Men are required to always be emotional neutral, or always ‘happy’…So when he is faced with the possibility of sharing his own anxieties (and getting the woman he wants is a big one), he fumbles and then he finds himself without the tools to voice that emotional state… So he runs away from it. Hoping to spare himself and you of it.

    To overcome this takes a lot of work, introspection and a willingness to look into that fear and discover a way to overcome it. The problem is, men are socially programmed to need permission to express themselves. So my question to you is :
    Are you willing to give them permission to speak their minds freely and without reprisal? Would you tell them in a clear manner that they can share themselves fully with you? {I won’t even go into how I’ve scared women off by stating this. But, sometimes its better that they know you want real honesty and intimacy, than just a fluffy squeeze}

    Finally, and this is probably the most important point I can make:

    Are these really the men you want in a long term relationship? Considering that they have failed to communicate already this early?

    That question comes with a massive payload though – Are you willing to accept that you are not the woman they want in a long term relationship?

    That isn’t about judging yourself, it’s about knowing what is important in a potential partner for yourself. This really is about looking at yourself, and saying “I want this… not that”. If communication is important to you, then the ‘man’ you meet who isn’t afraid of sharing his inner most insecurities might have better potential than all those who just ‘up and left’. Now, don’t go off making a list, that’s the way to closing off the wondrous opportunity of being surprised. It’s about knowing a few kernels that you’d like to find and cultivate, and then go out and be open to finding those kernels…asking for those kernels… and then exploring the other person without making it a “treasure hunt”.

    The subject of this post goes both ways. I consider myself a mature man (I’m 35 🙂 ), I’m also a bit more into seeing men and women as human beings first, it changes how you communicate, and what you consider really ‘connecting’. But I am very aware of how men have been disadvantaged by society, and how women are being taught to believe ‘men are different’. I have often had first dates, where I share deeply what I want, because I’m intense like that, and that has scared many women away… But I’m glad I didn’t chase after them, because now I have a woman in my life who craves the same intimacy as me, and though we’re quite different, she has the kernels I want, and so many more stunning wonders to explore.

    I wish you well.

  3. I have a few thoughts from where I’ve been I’d like to share with you:

    As I understand it dating and relationship are explorations of whether two (or more) people want to continue together in a more committed and permanent way. I know that in the past I recognised that I held this idea that it was the man who would decide whether to continue – I had unknowingly denied myself the chance to decide whether I wanted to continue being with a person or even being curious about a romantic interest. It requires responsibility and knowing what I want or at least being willing to explore/confront what I want in a relationship. Having accepted this idea, dating and relationship feels less pressured – I understand that we are both seeing if we could be together long-term happily.

    There’s another more painful (for me) aspect that I recognise in this post: that what someone else does somehow is an expression of my value – I have to consciously remind myself that ‘this is what this person did with this’. It’s not a judgement of the person’s character necessarily rather an opportunity opens up where I can explore – how does that feel to me, how do I feel in the presence of this, do I want this? (Do I want this? is such a beautiful question to consider in the context of dating/relationship) It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad, dejected etc when a connection can no longer continue, it means that I’m not stuck in wondering or being confused or worse, feeling so ‘faulty’ at relationshipping/ that I was at fault. What someone else does with dating/relationship/marriage isn’t necessary the only existing definition of what relationship/love/intimacy/communication is or can be.

    And the difficulty in saying ‘I’m not interested’ – it took me a long time to find the right words: ‘I don’t believe we are a match’. It’s far kinder.

    With men who ‘disappear’, I find that even pursuing an understanding of why they went won’t necessarily resolve my pain, shock, confusion. I know that men disappearing at any point is a possibility. I feel helpless and vulnerable to the point of cold shakiness in the face of that. If there are questions you can ask that can help you move forward/take care of yourself, then that seems worthwhile. It is unmistakeable when a man wants to be with you/committed to you.

  4. This might be off-topic http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b04knbny/horizon-20142015-7-is-your-brain-male-or-female (it will probably only be available for a very short time)

    I stopped on “confused” and can only respond as a man; Imagine a rabbit warren http://www.callipygia600.com/allpictures/scotland/slideshows/yorkshire/slide5.htm
    Subjectively speaking, men consider various options and will randomly pick one, with no logical reason, except for personal intuition lead (throw in nature/nurture etc).

    I volunteered my response because like you, I too seek answers – introspectively if need be.

    Good luck on your quest and keep to standard. Be you! 🙂

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