Living In The Contradictions

I have a habit of having great intentions to start regular practices for prayer, reflection and meditation and then losing the dedication to them. Also, for reading first thing in the morning. And exercising or doing yoga stretches. Some of these practices last a few days, a month, some I have maintained for a year. Currently the only morning practice I do regularly is writing. And that doesn’t even happen every morning.

I just get busy and choose to sleep a little bit later. I am also strongly tied to the sun and as the days get shorter so does my energy and I just sleep a little later and want to go to bed a little earlier. Not that I necessarily do go to bed earlier.

I try to cram so many things in my days. And I just never seem to wake up early enough to accomplish all of them.

I prioritize the day to day errands and Must Dos over the things that I know could have a big pay off for my physical and mental health. Like meditating.

So I am recommitting to meditation daily. Even for just a few minutes, stealing it wherever I can. Maybe it’s my car. Maybe it’s right here at my desk when I am fighting some writers block.

This morning it was after reading the paper and drinking coffee, while I was sitting and enjoying the warm sun.

So I sat on my carpet in the middle of my room. I focused on my breath and just sat. Naturally the mind wanders. I noticed how tight my hips are and how uncomfortable my lower back felt. I spend far too much time sitting at a desk these days.

And each time my mind shifted I gently guided it back to the breath. And my mind shifted to serving my health. I should commit to eating better again. I should go back to my gym routine. Acupuncture! I miss acupuncture.

And I thought of my acupuncturist. And how much he cared about me. And how I just leave him hanging every time I have reached out in the past. I wrote him, and I never responded to his email.

I let the shame come up inside me, the shame that I never wrote back, the shame I felt because I was so poor that I couldn’t afford his help or the time off from my jobs to see him, and I didn’t want to admit that. That things were just not right in my life and I was clueless about how to fix it. About how I wasn’t actually clueless but it was easier to say that than to admit the truth that I knew how to fix it and it was scary.

And this sob welled up inside me, and I just cried. I heaved and let the tears and the snot come until it was done.

And it didn’t take long, I just felt the emotion and when it was done I went back to breathing. Which was a little harder because of the snot.

And I had this thought. That I was so grateful for that moment of complete release and surrender and I have been holding so much back. I have been trying to control things and keep them deep down inside, and maybe I really should go see my acupuncturist because I am sure I have created some blockages.

I am sure that I have created these energy blocks because if I allowed myself to release I would have to face the facts that I need to make some changes.

There are a few pieces in my life that aren’t fitting right now. I’ve made a commitment to a few things that I have to see through to the end. But it is making me supremely unhappy. And in two short weeks I can say goodbye to it forever.

And it shocks me how unhappy it makes me feel. Because I overall feel really happy in my life. But if I look at this commitment, it makes me deeply unhappy.

How is it possible to feel so happy overall, but to have this big chunk of my time that deep down unsettles me?

I would like to take a sidebar here about that word unsettle. I wanted to write saddens me, but that wasn’t fully encapsulating enough. Yes, it makes me feel depressed. But it also gives me a great deal of anxiety. It stirs up my stomach and creates a pit. Something is literally stirring me up inside on all levels. I know enough to know that when someone is having this big of a reaction to something that it is meant to change us.

And maybe that is exactly why I have this big dichotomy in my life right now. I feel so happy in so many places in my life. It is shining a big flashlight on all those things, highlighting the good and making it really stand out. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for those things.

And my physical reaction is providing an excellent highlight to what I must change. What I should not settle for any longer.

Change is hard. But the payoff is worth it.

If it means I can be free from the physical anguish, free to create and love deeply. No more holding back. Those things are worth it.


2 thoughts on “Living In The Contradictions

  1. I hear you on that overall happiness but yet that faint unsettling feeling deep inside. May be you should try all of the ‘solutions’ that you have already figured out for yourself or atleast a few of them to begin with – Whatever makes you happy girl ! Just do it !! Spare no second thoughts.

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