Sometimes I wish I was sassier than I really am. I wish I could summon a convincing “fuck you” response when someone pisses me off. Instead I usually let it roll off my back, shrug it off as their problem and not mine. I never let the guy really have it.
Or I bottle it all up inside and talk it out with my friends. Or I work it out on my own. But I never look the guy in the face and tell him what I really think.
About 6 months ago I caught Gloria in the movie theater. I thought that the previews looked full of energy and passion. She seemed like a woman that was sure of herself, and didn’t let people dictate who she was.
Gloria is older than I am, she is in her 50s, but I felt like there is probably something there for me to learn. Or maybe I could find some hope that single life in my 50s will be just as fabulous as it is now in my 30s.
I didn’t get that part of it. Single life in one’s 50s is not more fun than your 30s. But it doesn’t have to be miserable. There are definitely ways to make the most of it.
So Gloria meets a man in a club and they start a love affair. He seems to have some problems, but who doesn’t. Especially in your 50s, everyone has baggage. Her lover has an ex wife and children that just seem a little too dependent on him for everything.
It breaks their romance apart the first time. He actually leaves her stranded during their weekend vacation. They get back together when he promises everything has changed. But who would be surprised to hear that nothing has changed?
Gloria tries to be patient and understanding, but she tells him how she feels and asks him to encourage them to be more independent.
When he gets defensive of his inappropriate relationship with his daughters, she tells him “Grow a pair.”
Oh how I loved it. I loved her serious delivery, and I felt like it was a punch straight to the gut to let him really know he was being a ridiculous baby.
I thought it was exactly what I wanted to embody. Strength, commitment to myself, tell the guy exactly what he needs to hear.
And it was the attitude I wanted to adapt for myself. Yeah, I need to stand up for myself! Take control of my life!
So I wrote that quote on the ticket stub and I posted it in my bathroom. Just as a reminder to myself.
And then I realized it the other day. I realized I am dating a guy that I need to tell “Grow a pair.”
The other day, I did have a great moment where I did let a guy really know how I feel. I didn’t hold anything back. And I felt really good about it. In retrospect I hold back how I really feel because I am afraid of blaming the other person for things that are really my responsibility. Or I am afraid of pissing them off. (I realize sometimes that is the point.)
He’s making some immature choices, I told him how he was effecting me.
But after I told him how everything was making me feel and we hung up the phone vowing that he would make it all up to me, I went to the bathroom and the note caught my idea.
And yes, I needed to tell him to “Grow a pair.” Be a fucking man, stand up for yourself and stop letting other people dictate your life.
So all this time I was using it as a little pick me up mantra for myself. Reminding myself to stand up for who I am. And it makes me smile.
And now I realize it is there so that I know exactly what to say to this guy next time. Because lord knows change doesn’t happen overnight.