Songs have been written about how great California is or how people long to be there. So I am not the first person to long for that coastal state, its idyllic weather, and its laid back attitude and people.
But today when I left work so tired I could cry I just longed for a change.
A change of pace. A change in people. A change in scenery.
Part of it is coming from how fed up I am with the men I have been dating. Nothing has changed about them, I just think I have changed how I see them.
And not that I think that amazing men are waiting for me in California either. Men don’t improve just because a gal changes her location. I wish it were that simple.
But I wish for simpler things in general. I wish to be near the water, where I can marvel at how large the world is. To look out over a beach and the ocean and not see the end. I want to feel connected to something bigger and greater.
I want to feel small. Small but connected to the bigger whole.
I want to feel like my problems are small compared to the whole of the universe. Like my friend said. There are bigger things.
I want to slow down, smell the roses, appreciate the moment. I want to be around people that get that I want to grow spiritually, and people that fully understand and support that. People that make healthy choices for their bodies, their spirits and their minds. (and in a place where saying that doesn’t feel so out of place)
I want sunrises and sunsets to be a part of my life. A part that makes people stop and appreciate them, and also appreciate the day.
California is a place of dreams. It just has a dream-like quality. It seems like a place for second chances and new starts. It was historically the place where people did just that. Is that why we still paint that picture today?
So why do I want to pick up and leave so badly? I love my job. I love my home and my neighborhood. I have a perfect support system here and my family is all nearby.
Why do I have this itching desire for escape to California? No where else. It’s specifically California that I keep thinking about. No reason. I have a friend in Sacramento and while I would love to see her and her hubby way more often, I don’t feel pulled to be on the west coast because of friends.
Why do I feel like I need change so badly? Maybe the simple answer is the right one. I feel like I need change simply because I need change. Or am I running away?
I do love my extensive network here in my hometown. I’m proud of my connections that I’ve formed here. It took a lot of time and effort to get to know so many people. I would be sad to leave that.
But the people that cause me pain because of their choices hurt so bad. I want that to fade away. I want a relaxed lifestyle around people that don’t cause drama.
I guess those people that seek a higher way of being would ask me why these certain people rub me so wrong. I think part of it is that I imagine they have something that I want and I am jealous of that. Honestly, when I look at that with both eyes open I see that they don’t have anything necessarily it is just an illusion.
Yes, this is me keeping my jealousy in check. I’m learning, things aren’t always as they seem and I have many wonderful things. Things that make me jealous are exactly the things that I should push forward, strive to achieve and fight for.
I want an easy way out. A back door. A chance to start anew. I want the fantasy, the fresh start, the chance for perfection just waiting for me to show up.
I know it’s silly and escapist. I suppose it’s good that I recognize that now rather than moving and hoping that the fantasy becomes real. And then being crushed when I have the same problems all over again.
No, I plan to learn from this. Even though that is so much less fun that waking with the sun and surfing each morning.
What is your dream? What do you think about trying to escape? Any advice?