I realized I am guilty of a cardinal dating sin, and I think that I am not alone in this.
Time and time again I watch myself in a relationship and I catch myself thinking that the guy would be so great if… Things would be perfect if only he…
I start dating a guy’s potential instead of the actually guy. I see what he could be, I see what we could have together. None of this exists in reality, of course. It’s all the woulds and coulds and should bes.
I look at a guy and I think about how great things could be if he changed a little bit. Or I think of the ways that we could have an awesome relationship, the kind I have always dreamed about and longed for. I think about the things we could do.
And here’s the crazy part: I get excited about these stories and they become part of the relationship. They become like reality, they become a possibility and I start to expect it.
And I am so good at it, that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It just happens as if this is really normal and what everyone does in a relationship.
I spin these crazy stories. I create fantasy lives of what could be if only he changes this one little thing. I start to live in my head and lose sight of reality. I don’t see the signs right in front of my face about the decline of a relationship because I am too busy spinning a web of fantasies in my head.
And then things don’t work out, and I don’t see it because I am too busy in my fantasy world fixing things and making them work. So it comes as a surprise that it’s not working for the guy. “Things were so good!” I protest. Were they? Maybe at one point. And they were better in my head than anything in reality.
Why do I go through all that trouble of making things up?
I wish I had an answer for this. I feel like I am grasping for it, and on the verge of answering why I do this and why I am willing to settle for less.
Is it because I am afraid that if I ask for more that I won’t get it, so I settle for less? I settle for getting just a piece of someone, just a piece of their love. I don’t ask for all of it because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing that small bit of love and I convince myself that asking for the small amount is better than getting nothing at all.
And I can live in my head and have these great fantasy lives that entertain my brain.
How much head space am I wasting on this fantasy life?
How much could I free up if I let go of the fantasy? How much more productive and creative could I be?
How can I let go of the fantasy world and the all could bes? How do I demand for the 100% from a man when I haven’t asked for it before? Does that mean I have to wipe the slate clean and start over or is it possible to salvage what I have? Can I make that work?
I want it to, but I don’t know if he is able.
I am committed to asking for what I am worth. I do it in work, and I am committed to doing it in my life also.
I am worth a full love. I give full love. I am worthy of receiving it also.
I am willing to let go of my fantasies. I am so afraid of what I see. I see a truth that is something I would like to change. I would like it to be closer to the fantasy.
No wonder I prefer the fantasy, the reality is so disappointing.
And is it possible to change things? Is it possible to re-direct the course? Is it possible to ask for what I want and actually get it from the person that I want to get it from?
I know we don’t always get what we want. And it’s a little audacious to ask to get it from a specific person. I’m trying to release my expectations and be open to the universe. All the universe asks of me is to be clear about what I want, and it will conspire to bring it to me. (just like The Alchemist said, I wish I could take credit for that one, “All the world conspires for the person that knows what he wants.”)
I was watching a Beyonce documentary on HBO, and she was talking about the big changes she was making in her life. This was before Blue Ivy. She was discussing how exhausting it can be to keep up with success and she had an epiphany that she had to figure out what she wanted. Did she want radio success, did she want a kickass tour, etc. And I thought “Yes, Beyonce!! Yes! Clarity.”
Sidenote: How did we all get by without Beyonce before she came into our lives as this badass woman?
So I am going to give some time to bringing clarity to what I want. And what I really want is love and connection. I want that full love, not just pieces.
I know I am worthy of love, we all are. I’m not settling for less anymore.