Is Anyone Else Hopelessly Confused By Men?

Let me start with a preface. I know I have a lot of men that read this blog and rest assured that there will be no man-bashing in this post. I am merely voicing my confusion about the different ways that men and women communicate. And if you can provide guidance and the male opinion on these things please feel free to chime in.

And women, if you are also confused by men by these or any other reasons also please feel free to chime in.

Men confuse me when…

They put in a bunch of effort to get to know me and then they completely ghost. Why bother? Did you get to know me and realize you don’t like me?

I find this confusing because by this point in my life I feel like I have become a good judge of character. If I find you interesting and attractive, I feel like it is mutual. I wouldn’t put myself out there if I didn’t think it was mutual to begin with.

Yes, I realize that not everyone is going to be “in to me.” There are some people that won’t like me. But I feel like i have picked up pretty good radar for this.

And maybe my radar was on the blitz, maybe my judgement was clouded because I wanted this to solve a specific problem. And I know better than to expect a man to be an answer to any problem. I know the answer is usually within myself anyway.

Well, how about that. Maybe I solved my own confusion.

Regardless, doesn’t everyone want to be wanted to the degree that they want someone else? And perhaps my frustration is misplaced. I want to be wanted. And I feel frustrated because I do not feel wanted.

I am also confused about why men insist on dating the bad girl, the girl that brings drama wherever she goes.

And if you’re going to say that the answer is as simple as it’s the same reason why girl date bad boys I must argue against this. Bad girls and bad boys are totally different things.

I cannot explain why women date jerks anymore that I can explain why men date bad girls.

A bad girl is very different from a naughty girl. Just like a bad boy and a jerk are totally different. Bad girls and jerks leave you hanging, they manipulate, they control, they lie. The bad boys and naughty girls have fun, live passionately and spontaneously and break the rules. It is never meant to be selfish or hurtful.

So it baffles me why anyone would settle for someone with bad intentions. Someone acting from a place of total selfishness. It’s those people when they’re dating the great guy or girl and everyone around them looks at the relationship and just knows it is doomed.

Why does everyone else see it except for the person in the throes of the relationship. Just like I knew inside why a guy didn’t like me back, does the guy really know that this girl is bad for him? Is there hope that he will wake up and see it himself? And may I request that he sees it sooner rather than later??

I am also confused about why men always think they are going to break a woman. I have heard from so many of my guy friends that they avoid telling the truth because they think they are going to hurt the girl’s feelings. They are worried they are going to make her cry or she is going to make a scene.

Why do men hate a woman crying more than anything? They hate causing it and avoid it at all costs.

Maybe the intent behind it is is simply because the guy cares enough to not want to see the girl sad. Which is a nice thought. However, the avoidance of that causes a lot more pain and sadness than just telling the truth. They just don’t have to see it if they disappear.

A guy doesn’t realize that women are driven nuts by not knowing. A friend told me a story about this guy she knew that wanted to avoid the awkward breaking up conversation so much that he packed up all his stuff while his girlfriend was at work and left. Apparently last time he had the conversation with her, she cried and begged him to stay so he did. And he wanted to avoid that scene again so he left when she was gone.

I get the fact that a guy that wants to leave is just going to leave. But I feel that the universe was looking out for women because he found himself on a date with a woman that ended up having a couple drinks and ended up crying at the table because her ex boyfriend did the exact same thing. So justice was served. He still had to face the pain of leaving in the middle of the day.

So it’s unavoidable. And if the guy is doing it to avoid causing pain that they have to witness, then they are being cowardly and immature. Be a man, say what you’re thinking and let her have the peace  of mind so she can move on.

Three simple things that I find utterly confusing. If you can provide insight it would be helpful. What would be even better if people could spread the word and ask men to stop doing these things and to be a little more clear.





Living In The Contradictions

I have a habit of having great intentions to start regular practices for prayer, reflection and meditation and then losing the dedication to them. Also, for reading first thing in the morning. And exercising or doing yoga stretches. Some of these practices last a few days, a month, some I have maintained for a year. Currently the only morning practice I do regularly is writing. And that doesn’t even happen every morning.

I just get busy and choose to sleep a little bit later. I am also strongly tied to the sun and as the days get shorter so does my energy and I just sleep a little later and want to go to bed a little earlier. Not that I necessarily do go to bed earlier.

I try to cram so many things in my days. And I just never seem to wake up early enough to accomplish all of them.

I prioritize the day to day errands and Must Dos over the things that I know could have a big pay off for my physical and mental health. Like meditating.

So I am recommitting to meditation daily. Even for just a few minutes, stealing it wherever I can. Maybe it’s my car. Maybe it’s right here at my desk when I am fighting some writers block.

This morning it was after reading the paper and drinking coffee, while I was sitting and enjoying the warm sun.

So I sat on my carpet in the middle of my room. I focused on my breath and just sat. Naturally the mind wanders. I noticed how tight my hips are and how uncomfortable my lower back felt. I spend far too much time sitting at a desk these days.

And each time my mind shifted I gently guided it back to the breath. And my mind shifted to serving my health. I should commit to eating better again. I should go back to my gym routine. Acupuncture! I miss acupuncture.

And I thought of my acupuncturist. And how much he cared about me. And how I just leave him hanging every time I have reached out in the past. I wrote him, and I never responded to his email.

I let the shame come up inside me, the shame that I never wrote back, the shame I felt because I was so poor that I couldn’t afford his help or the time off from my jobs to see him, and I didn’t want to admit that. That things were just not right in my life and I was clueless about how to fix it. About how I wasn’t actually clueless but it was easier to say that than to admit the truth that I knew how to fix it and it was scary.

And this sob welled up inside me, and I just cried. I heaved and let the tears and the snot come until it was done.

And it didn’t take long, I just felt the emotion and when it was done I went back to breathing. Which was a little harder because of the snot.

And I had this thought. That I was so grateful for that moment of complete release and surrender and I have been holding so much back. I have been trying to control things and keep them deep down inside, and maybe I really should go see my acupuncturist because I am sure I have created some blockages.

I am sure that I have created these energy blocks because if I allowed myself to release I would have to face the facts that I need to make some changes.

There are a few pieces in my life that aren’t fitting right now. I’ve made a commitment to a few things that I have to see through to the end. But it is making me supremely unhappy. And in two short weeks I can say goodbye to it forever.

And it shocks me how unhappy it makes me feel. Because I overall feel really happy in my life. But if I look at this commitment, it makes me deeply unhappy.

How is it possible to feel so happy overall, but to have this big chunk of my time that deep down unsettles me?

I would like to take a sidebar here about that word unsettle. I wanted to write saddens me, but that wasn’t fully encapsulating enough. Yes, it makes me feel depressed. But it also gives me a great deal of anxiety. It stirs up my stomach and creates a pit. Something is literally stirring me up inside on all levels. I know enough to know that when someone is having this big of a reaction to something that it is meant to change us.

And maybe that is exactly why I have this big dichotomy in my life right now. I feel so happy in so many places in my life. It is shining a big flashlight on all those things, highlighting the good and making it really stand out. Yes, I am incredibly grateful for those things.

And my physical reaction is providing an excellent highlight to what I must change. What I should not settle for any longer.

Change is hard. But the payoff is worth it.

If it means I can be free from the physical anguish, free to create and love deeply. No more holding back. Those things are worth it.

Grow A Pair

Sometimes I wish I was sassier than I really am. I wish I could summon a convincing “fuck you” response when someone pisses me off. Instead I usually let it roll off my back, shrug it off as their problem and not mine. I never let the guy really have it.

Or I bottle it all up inside and talk it out with my friends. Or I work it out on my own. But I never look the guy in the face and tell him what I really think.

About 6 months ago I caught Gloria in the movie theater. I thought that the previews looked full of energy and passion. She seemed like a woman that was sure of herself, and didn’t let people dictate who she was.

Gloria is older than I am, she is in her 50s, but I felt like there is probably something there for me to learn. Or maybe I could find some hope that single life in my 50s will be just as fabulous as it is now in my 30s.

I didn’t get that part of it. Single life in one’s 50s is not more fun than your 30s. But it doesn’t have to be miserable. There are definitely ways to make the most of it.

So Gloria meets a man in a club and they start a love affair. He seems to have some problems, but who doesn’t. Especially in your 50s, everyone has baggage. Her lover has an ex wife and children that just seem a little too dependent on him for everything.

It breaks their romance apart the first time. He actually leaves her stranded during their weekend vacation. They get back together when he promises everything has changed. But who would be surprised to hear that nothing has changed?

Gloria tries to be patient and understanding, but she tells him how she feels and asks him to encourage them to be more independent.

When he gets defensive of his inappropriate relationship with his daughters, she tells him “Grow a pair.”

Oh how I loved it. I loved her serious delivery, and I felt like it was a punch straight to the gut to let him really know he was being a ridiculous baby.

I thought it was exactly what I wanted to embody. Strength, commitment to myself, tell the guy exactly what he needs to hear.

And it was the attitude I wanted to adapt for myself. Yeah, I need to stand up for myself! Take control of my life!

So I wrote that quote on the ticket stub and I posted it in my bathroom. Just as a reminder to myself.

And then I realized it the other day. I realized I am dating a guy that I need to tell “Grow a pair.”

The other day, I did have a great moment where I did let a guy really know how I feel. I didn’t hold anything back. And I felt really good about it. In retrospect I hold back how I really feel because I am afraid of blaming the other person for things that are really my responsibility. Or I am afraid of pissing them off. (I realize  sometimes that is the point.)

He’s making some immature choices, I told him how he was effecting me.

But after I told him how everything was making me feel and we hung up the phone vowing that he would make it all up to me, I went to the bathroom and the note caught my idea.

And yes, I needed to tell him to “Grow a pair.” Be a fucking man, stand up for yourself and stop letting other people dictate your life.

So all this time I was using it as a little pick me up mantra for myself. Reminding myself to stand up for who I am. And it makes me smile.

And now I realize it is there so that I know exactly what to say to this guy next time. Because lord knows change doesn’t happen overnight.


Dreaming Of California

Songs have been written about how great California is or how people long to be there. So I am not the first person to long for that coastal state, its idyllic weather, and its laid back attitude and people.

But today when I left work so tired I could cry I just longed for a change.

A change of pace. A change in people. A change in scenery.

Part of it is coming from how fed up I am with the men I have been dating. Nothing has changed about them, I just think I have changed how I see them.

And not that I think that amazing men are waiting for me in California either. Men don’t improve just because a gal changes her location. I wish it were that simple.

But I wish for simpler things in general. I wish to be near the water, where I can marvel at how large the world is. To look out over a beach and the ocean and not see the end. I want to feel connected to something bigger and greater.

I want to feel small. Small but connected to the bigger whole.

I want to feel like my problems are small compared to the whole of the universe. Like my friend said. There are bigger things.

I want to slow down, smell the roses, appreciate the moment. I want to be around people that get that I want to grow spiritually, and people that fully understand and support that. People that make healthy choices for their bodies, their spirits and their minds. (and in a place where saying that doesn’t feel so out of place)

I want sunrises and sunsets to be a part of my life. A part that makes people stop and appreciate them, and also appreciate the day.

California is  a place of dreams. It just has a dream-like quality. It seems like a place for second chances and new starts. It was historically the place where people did just that. Is that why we still paint that picture today?

So why do I want to pick up and leave so badly? I love my job. I love my home and my neighborhood. I have a perfect support system here and my family is all nearby.

Why do I have this itching desire for escape to California? No where else. It’s specifically California that I keep thinking about. No reason. I have a friend in Sacramento and while I would love to see her and her hubby way more often, I don’t feel pulled to be on the west coast because of friends.

Why do I feel like I need change so badly? Maybe the simple answer is the right one. I feel like I need change simply because I need change. Or am I running away?

I do love my extensive network here in my hometown. I’m proud of my connections that I’ve formed here. It took a lot of time and effort to get to know so many people.  I would be sad to leave that.

But the people that cause me pain because of their choices hurt so bad. I want that to fade away. I want a relaxed lifestyle around people that don’t cause drama.

I guess those people that seek a higher way of being would ask me why these certain people rub me so wrong. I think part of it is that I imagine they have something that I want and I am jealous of that. Honestly, when I look at that with both eyes open I see that they don’t have anything necessarily it is just an illusion.

Yes, this is me keeping my jealousy in check. I’m learning, things aren’t always as they seem and I have many wonderful things. Things that make me jealous are exactly the things that I should push forward, strive to achieve and fight for.

I want an easy way out. A back door. A chance to start anew. I want the fantasy, the fresh start, the chance for perfection just waiting for me to show up.

I know it’s silly and escapist. I suppose it’s good that I recognize that now rather than moving and hoping that the fantasy becomes real. And then being crushed when I have the same problems all over again.

No, I plan to learn from this. Even though that is so much less fun that waking with the sun and surfing each morning.

What is your dream? What do you think about trying to escape? Any advice?

Stop Dating A Guy For His Potential

I realized I am guilty of a cardinal dating sin, and I think that I am not alone in this.

Time and time again I watch myself in a relationship and I catch myself thinking that the guy would be so great if… Things would be perfect if only he…

I start dating a guy’s potential instead of the actually guy. I see what he could be, I see what we could have together. None of this exists in reality, of course. It’s all the woulds and coulds and should bes.

I look at a guy and I think about how great things could be if he changed a little bit. Or I think of the ways that we could have an awesome relationship, the kind I have always dreamed about and longed for. I think about the things we could do.

And here’s the crazy part: I get excited about these stories and they become part of the relationship. They become like reality, they become a possibility and I start to expect it.

And I am so good at it, that I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It just happens as if this is really normal and what everyone does in a relationship.

I spin these crazy stories. I create fantasy lives of what could be if only he changes this one little thing. I start to live in my head and lose sight of reality. I don’t see the signs right in front of my face about the decline of a relationship because I am too busy spinning a web of fantasies in my head.

And then things don’t work out, and I don’t see it because I am too busy in my fantasy world fixing things and making them work. So it comes as a surprise that it’s not working for the guy. “Things were so good!” I protest. Were they? Maybe at one point. And they were better in my head than anything in reality.

Why do I go through all that trouble of making things up?

I wish I had an answer for this. I feel like I am grasping for it, and on the verge of answering why I do this and why I am willing to settle for less.

Is it because I am afraid that if I ask for more that I won’t get it, so I settle for less? I settle for getting just a piece of someone, just a piece of their love. I don’t ask for all of it because I am afraid. I am afraid of losing that small bit of love and I convince myself that asking for the small amount is better than getting nothing at all.

And I can live in my head and have these great fantasy lives that entertain my brain.

How much head space am I wasting on this fantasy life?

How much could I free up if I let go of the fantasy? How much more productive and creative could I be?

How can I let go of the fantasy world and the all could bes? How do I demand for the 100% from a man when I haven’t asked for it before? Does that mean I have to wipe the slate clean and start over or is it possible to salvage what I have? Can I make that work?

I want it to, but I don’t know if he is able.

I am committed to asking for what I am worth. I do it in work, and I am committed to doing it in my life also.

I am worth a full love. I give full love. I am worthy of receiving it also.

I am willing to let go of my fantasies. I am so afraid of what I see. I see a truth that is something I would like to change. I would like it to be closer to the fantasy.

No wonder I prefer the fantasy, the reality is so disappointing.

And is it possible to change things? Is it possible to re-direct the course? Is it possible to ask for what I want and actually get it from the person that I want to get it from?

I know we don’t always get what we want. And it’s a little audacious to ask to get it from a specific person. I’m trying to release my expectations and be open to the universe. All the universe asks of me is to be clear about what I want, and it will conspire to bring it to me. (just like The Alchemist said, I wish I could take credit for that one, “All the world conspires for the person that knows what he wants.”)

I was watching a Beyonce documentary on HBO, and she was talking about the big changes she was making in her life. This was before Blue Ivy. She was discussing how exhausting it can be to keep up with success and she had an epiphany that she had to figure out what she wanted. Did she want radio success, did she want a kickass tour, etc. And I thought “Yes, Beyonce!! Yes! Clarity.”

Sidenote: How did we all get by without Beyonce before she came into our lives as this badass woman?

So I am going to give some time to bringing clarity to what I want. And what I really want is love and connection. I want that full love, not just pieces.

I know I am worthy of love, we all are. I’m not settling for less anymore.

What If I Gave Up?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stopped trying all together? Just gave up the game and decided to not do anything until the other person made an effort.

And I don’t mean this as a game. I don’t mean it as power.

I mean it in a way that just says I am tired. I am tired of trying so hard.

I am tired of thinking through every message, to make sure I am saying just the right thing. Texting is exhausting that way. When we had conversations over the phone people could just say what was on their mind. But now with texting, there are 800 things to consider. Is my message clear? Can be be misread so I sound crazy? When should I send it, how long should I wait?

It’s exhausting.

What if I just stopped all together?

I hate that I already know the answer to this.

I went away this past weekend for a wedding. It was in the mountains and I had no cell reception. So when I came down from the mountain, I thought I would have been flooded with texts and pictures from the festivities that were happening in the Baltimore area. And it was just radio silence. Not even anything from my mother.

So what do we learn? I stop trying and no one tries to get me. No one tries enough to make an effort.

So do I take that as a sign? Do I take it that people just aren’t interested?

I find it to be such a weird balance in my life. I find that many of my friends assume I am busy most of the time. They assume I am working on a play or out and about. So I rarely hear from them unless I reach out. I’ve been hearing from them more often as we all get older and all of our lives have pulled us into our own priorities. My best friends do reach out when they feel like they haven’t heard from me in a while.

One of my friends has a communication rule that makes sense in theory. She says if it’s a guy she wants to take seriously she plays it cool and makes him do the work. If it’s just someone that she wants to hang out with than she has no problem asking him out and texting more often. Sure,this makes sense. In theory.

But when even my closest friends don’t really reach out, I feel like I need to at least have to let people know when I am free. So I do. I ask for what I want when I want it because otherwise people will have no way of knowing. I don’t exactly have a normal schedule so it makes it hard for anyone to hang out.

I normally take the reins. And when I do it with a guy, I guess it comes out all wrong.

It is probably rare and a tough pill to swallow when someone like me comes along. I am not only busy and living my own life without needing anyone in my life, but I am strong, confident, smart and a little neurotic. Most men don’t know what to do with me.

So good riddance, right?

But it feels so much harder than that. Like I have to do the exact right things to put my best foot forward to make sure the guy has a real chance to get to know me. Because if you get to know me, you obviously will want to stick around.

But all this effort is exhausting. Maybe I just stop and hope for the best. Maybe it will happen on its own.

What are your thoughts? Do I sit back and wait and do nothing? Do I continue to be myself and put myself out there? Or is that a little crazy?

Single Life Can Be Hell Or An Adventure. You Pick.

I will never say it is easy to be single. But, unpredictable and fun? Hell yes.

I will be the first to admit that sometimes I enjoy the journey more than the destination. I like the hunt, the thrill of the new, the suspense of not knowing. I think that this makes it easier for me to be single. I find the fun in a situation that happen to be in.

One of the things that I love about being single is that I can decide what each day looks like. I can accept last minute plans and suddenly I find myself in a new adventure.

And that’s exactly where I found myself about a week ago.

I was all settled in for an early evening with some takeout and a video. I was pretty exhausted from the week so this seemed like a perfect evening. I was ready for PJs!

And then came that text that changes everything. “I’m downtown with new friends! They’re fun! Come out!”

Ah. Normally the pull of these isn’t strong enough to change my mind if I am set on catching up on sleep. But my friend had been going through a breakup and I was happy she was having fun. And for some reason, I was intrigued and hoping for a distraction of my own.

So I said I would be there in about an hour.

I had a rough weekend myself, so I hoped new friends would lift my spirits and perhaps there would be some cute guy to flirt with.

I did what any single gal would do as soon as I arrived, I surveyed the room to get the lay of the land. Who was single, who was cute, who looked interested. My second thought is what vibe are the women putting off.

Everything seemed positive. It was basically a neighborhood group of friends. They were a lot of fun and were really welcoming to the two new girls to the group. After some drinking and get to know you conversation, we relocated to another house on the block and played Cards Against Humanity.

A quick way to make new friends, for sure.

And after half an hour of playing the cutest boy ever walked in the door.

Gorgeous eyes and a smile that made my stomach flip. He was tall, fit, and friendly. And single. How could I tell?

He made a lot of eye contact and picked up on every one of my cues. We sat on opposite sides of the table and talked over the heads of everyone between us. We had fun, friendly banter.

After relocating to a bar for karaoke, my new crush and I flirted until closing.

And at the end of the night, I walked with him to get the car. I was sort of hoping for a stolen kiss in a parking lot, but alas, nothing. Instead, I made sure numbers were exchanged. He texted me that night as I was on my way home and first thing in the morning.

So perhaps I stumbled onto something fun, exciting and new. At least it is for now. Maybe it won’t be for long and maybe it will. (I’m trying not to start future-tripping!) I’ll take it day by day as it comes.

Like I said, I will never say being single is easy. But I do think that each of us has a choice. We can make single hard, painful and like a chore. We can dread it and jump into relationships merely for the sake of avoiding being alone. Or we can embrace it. We can see how there are endless choices and options. We see the beauty of meeting and learning about new people.

You can enjoy the ride. Embrace the uncertain. See it for what it is and love it just as it is.


We Are Really All The Same

I enjoy taking mental health breaks for my brain by reading I catch up on  my celebrity gossip, I read about other people’s dating lives, and get fashion tips and all other sources of fun.

Yesterday I read an article from one of their bloggers in a series called Dater X. I don’t read the column regularly but when I read the headline “The Two Month Curse Strikes Again” I knew I had found a kindred spirit.

I too suffer from a two month curse. And I thought it meant I was defective.

I mean, who can’t hold on to a relationship for longer than just a couple of months? What kind of person can’t get past the honeymoon phase of a relationship?

I was watching people all around me have these great relationships. Or maybe not even great, but at least they’d make it to 6 months or a year. A relationship with someone that you enjoy through all the major holidays, birthdays, etc.

My friend and I had a long heart to heart while taking a walk by the water. We talked about how she and I just don’t date like most people we know. For better or worse, we don’t settle. We seek connection and passion and refuse to fake it just to have someone by our side for a major national holiday.

But that isn’t the point of what I wanted to write about.

So when I read this article, the story seemed all too familiar. She wrote both sides of their conversation. And yes, at least her guy had the courtesy to have a face to face conversation. Most men I date tend to end things over the phone or by text.

His words to her are what I have heard time and time again at the end of my relationships. “I liked you, but things have changes. I don’t feel the same anymore, the more time we spend together I realize we’re not compatible.”

Ugh. That is a punch in the gut.

Sure, no one wants to waste their time with someone that they don’t see a future with.   Sometimes people just aren’t compatible for something for the long term. And it takes two people that are really aware of who they are to bring their full selves to the table early on in a relationship and to realize when it’s not working.

But does it really take two months?!

He told her that he was crazy about her for the first month. But did she change? Did he see compatibility in the first month? And then? Does it take that long for someone to see it? Or was it because it took a little time to see past the excitement of first kiss, first dates, first time sleeping together.

And she asked the typical question that women always ask “Did I do something wrong?”

I think that speaks volumes in the psychology of women. We women assume that we did something wrong. We must’ve because everything seemed fine from where we’re standing. So something we did must have changed his feelings.

But I don’t know many men that do the same. Or, on second thought, maybe there are some that do.

I was thinking that perhaps this relates to The Confidence Code, which I am reading about women and confidence. We don’t always have the confidence built in to stand tall and say unapologetically that I am who I am and if you’re not ok with that then you can go and it is ok. No, we assume that we did something wrong to cause the trouble.

But maybe that isn’t necessarily a female reaction, but a human one. If things shift suddenly, maybe both men and women react by thinking that the sudden change was brought on by something we did. Because we don’t see how we are any different from the first month.

I wish I had an answer about why things play out like this. Why do we all follow the same script when we break up with someone.

I wish I knew why it takes someone two months instead of two dates to decided two people aren’t compatible. But I suppose that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

The Best Advice I Have Ever Been Given

One of my good friends from college became a priest. Which I thought was a weird statement, until I realized that one of my exes also became a priest.

Priests tend to give good advice. It’s in the job description.

Years ago I had my priest friend visit me, and after taker out and late night conversations he crashed on my couch. I’m not a late sleeper but he was up and gone by the time I woke up. I had a note on my coffee table from him. Naturally, it covered the thank you’s for hosting him overnight. But he mentioned something from our conversation the night before.

He told me “Don’t worry too much about jobs and boys and all that. Life is so much bigger and grander than all that.”

I framed that and our game of MASH that we played the night before. Yes two grown people played MASH. And of course I framed it, it predicted that I would marry Jude Law. And that my lover would be Phyllis Diller. It gives me a good laugh.

That bit of advice has gotten me through a lot. It helps me keep a wide lens on life.

When I like a guy, it consumes me. My mind can really obsess over the guy. I can wonder if he likes me, I can wonder about if I could have done anything differently or better. I wonder if he will call, and then I start fantasizing about future dates.

My mind spins. My mind works too fast sometimes.

And sometimes I need someone to shake me out of it. Not just sometimes, almost all of the time.

At the time that I saw my priest friend I was torn up over a guy that was older than  I was but wasn’t willing to commit to a relationship. I was out of a relationship that torn me up, and so was he. We were really just physically attracted to each other but I really wanted more.

Anyway, my priest friend listened to me long for this guy. And I guess it was obvious to my friend that this guy was never going to work out. It was probably obvious to the whole world.

But when I like a guy and I’m spinning and future-tripping, I don’t anyone to tell me the obvious truth. Don’t tell me it won’t work out. Don’t give me advice.

But the only advice I could have heard, really heard, was what my friend told me.

And I think I may be finding myself in a similar place. Maybe my next step is obvious to everyone but me. But isn’t it funny what emotions can do to logic?

So I find myself turning to that piece of advice. I think about what might be bigger. I think about what I need to live my life. I think about how I want to feel, and what I can do to feel that way.

It is hard to see the big picture sometimes. It is hard to not focus on the small and immediate things. The things I am worried about.

As a priest, maybe he’s trying to guide me back to something larger. I know he would love me to have faith again. I know he would love me to practice a religion.

Maybe I should. Maybe I need that practice again. Who knows where it could go, maybe it would help me find peace, calm, and perspective.

What do you think?

Relationships Are My Conversation Topic Of Choice

I wish I was more interesting sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I may be less interesting to other people because I am genuinely interested in talking about and understanding how relationships work.

Sometimes I compare myself to others (I know, I should take my own advice) and think “Wow, she is so smart. I wish I thought about that kind of a topic.” I have this brilliant friend. She is feisty and sassy and so much fun. But she can throw down on big thoughtful worldly topics that just don’t cross my mind at first for conversation topics.

And when it comes to relationships, she has some really deep connections with her friends, her coworkers and the men in her life. She commands attentions.

But I should also say that it’s not like her life is perfect, her relationship situation isn’t any more figured out than anyone else I know.

So I’m not saying she’s perfect or that she’s figured it all out.

I just wish my brain worked that way sometimes. And I think she is absolutely awesome and I completely respect her.

But my brain doesn’t. My brain is fascinated with how people interact, how they relate, how they behave together, how do people fall in love, why they fall in love, why they fall out of love. How do people cope with all the emotions that come with being with another person.

Each person is different, everyone needs different things and wants different things and expresses all that differently.

I am fascinated by that.

I was out with a friend that gave me advice to never get married. I am curious about his experiences and what his logic is to suggest that. I have never really made my mind up one way or another so it’s not like I’m committed to a decision. Which is maybe what makes me even more curious.

It’s my go-to subject when I am out with a friend. I like to talk about my experiences and theirs and I like to analyze it all. They are some of the TED talks that I have listened to the most.

I want to understand it all. I want to hear all the stories.

Maybe I think if I understand it then I will have deeper, more meaningful relationships myself. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I feel like I am more patient and compassionate and understanding.

Whenever I am feeling uncertain or shaky about relationships I re-watch Eat, Pray, Love. I know it’s cheesy, but it reminds me of some zen thinking. Like the importance of letting go, it’s ok to love and lose and to miss the person, and that life goes on. And man, does it ever turn on my wanderlust.

It’s just my go-to movie for a little boost. I love her view on love and relationships. It is flawed. And it embraces the flaws as the teachers of life and then it shares the lessons.

This is the stuff that makes me tick. Maybe it’s why I enjoy writing here so much. Maybe it’s why I started.

Maybe it’s why I have so many failed relationships. It gives me more material.

I guess every person has their own interests. And this is mine. For better or worse.