I haven’t been following my own advice lately. Today was the first day I woke up and didn’t want the day to start. I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I do think part of it is because I am tired and haven’t had any down time. I had no time to rest this weekend, it was all go-go-go. So all I wanted was a little more sleep. But I knew it was bigger than that.
I haven’t been standing on my own two feet lately. I’ve been freaking out, panicking and whining. I hate when I turn into that girl. That girl isn’t fun. And she’s distracted and can’t hold down a normal conversation.
The funny thing is that people really do love to hear other people’s problems, they are more than happy to talk about what is troubling me, and they listen and give advice. I think people like to hear when someone else doesn’t have it all together, and giving advice makes people feel useful.
I don’t know about you, but I rarely follow the advice I’m given. So it’s a waste of breath for everyone.
Today, the alarm went off, I had even set it slightly later than normal. I snoozed and begrudgingly got out of bed. I wasn’t excited about starting my day, I didn’t feel like I had anything to look forward to.
Which is odd because we have a really big and exciting day at work, we are making a major public announcement. So I know it’s not a work thing.
I’m having a hard time writing because someone close to me read my blog. At first, I had some minor panic because very few people that I actually know read this.
It is so much easier to bare your soul honestly to strangers. Having someone close to me read my thoughts and feelings, that were written without much of a censor because I felt safe as a somewhat anonymous writer, felt like an intrusion of my privacy. Strangely, it really did. Even though I willingly put this all out here publicly, I felt like my privacy was invaded.
Then I was also embarassed because I am right now focused on writing and publishing consistently, which often leaves me little time for editing. Someone that I really care about his opinion of my work was reading unedited personal thoughts.
On the one hand, it was a slight relief. This person didn’t judge me or hold anything against me. So that was good. But I think my raw feelings can be really hard to understand from the outside.
I feel things fully. It’s just who I am. I am very intuitive and emotional. I can sense what is going on with others and I fully feel and express my feelings.
When I am having a bad day I have a hard time hiding it.
I think that fed into my gut feeling this morning. I was nervous about writing, even though it is something I really look forward to and I really value. Spending time writing has become part of my routine and it has helped me a lot. I sort through some of my confusing emotions, I feel connected to all of you, and hopefully I am helping all of us to feel a little less alone in this big world and these confusing relationship paths.
And yes, I am on a really confusing relationship path. Yes, my writing has become a little more of the worried and panicked kind lately. Not the stuff I exactly would want someone close to me to read. I moaned “oh, you didn’t get to read any of my witty or funny posts!”
Writing is part of how I express my feelings. I can express myself and stop focusing on my worries so much. It is part of the process to help me let go.
I feel a little blocked, honestly. Partially because I feel “found out” and partially because I am confused about my own feelings.
I don’t feel weepy and weak and emotional like I did last week. I’m not exactly sure how I got last that. Other than I am no longer PMSing, which is certainly part of it.
If I try to retrace my steps, I spent a lot of time reflecting on love this weekend. And I’m not quite finished sorting through all of it. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more clear and able to express myself.
But right now… Right now? I know last week I wasn’t my best single gal, I don’t want this week to be the same. I know I’m not proud of my behavior, I am a little embarassed about my writing, and a little nervous moving forward.
So I guess I take it one step at a time. Today starts whether I want it to or not.