It is one of the most difficult things I try to do. Forgiveness.
I feel like it is a sigh of defeat. I know better. But I feel like it’s waving the white flag.
“You win. I have to be the bigger person and you can walk away without learning anything.”
It feels like I have to be the one to do the growing and the person that did the hurting doesn’t have to do anything.
Hell, he didn’t even have to apologize.
It can be any kind of hurt. It can be someone that hurt me emotionally or physically or unintentionally.
But I forgive because I have to.
I don’t forgive them for the guys’ sake. I don’t care how it makes him feel actually. He doesn’t even have to know I am trying to forgive him. I don’t even want to give the men the satisfaction of knowing that they hurt me that bad.
He doesn’t need to know that I am working on forgiveness. It doesn’t matter.
I forgive because it’s for me.
I forgive because it lifts a weight off my chest, and no one else’s.
For me, I realized I have been holding back. I haven’t wanted to open myself up[ again emotionally. Not for real.
I’ve let the weight of this particular person hurting me in the past weigh me down like an anchor. I am trying like hell to drag that anchor because I want to move forward but it is becoming too heavy. I’ve hit that crossroad where if things are going to go forward I need to let go of the anchor so I can keep walking forward.
I wish there was a short cut because I want to get to that place where things were moving forward. But there isn’t a short cut, and I don’t think I can really, honestly move forward in the relationship I am in without fully forgiving this guy for hurting me in the past.
I have been trying to take the short cut for probably the last several years. I’ve tried pushing him out of my mind. I’ve tried to be friends. I tried to fake it till I make it. I thought I had forgiven him since we talked everything through.
But I don’t feel fully free. The way I do when I have really let go and moved on from the pain. I feel like I am still holding back. Bracing myself to get hurt again.
The same thing happened when I tore my ACL for the second time. I knew I had done it right away. That pain was really familiar in my right knee, it was the same feeling I had when I did it 10 years earlier to the left knee.
So after the surgery I started physical therapy. And I knew how painful it would be so I was a complete baby. I resisted all the help they tried to give. I winced at the thought of the pain and started to well up with tears. I didn’t let them do their job effectively.
And what happened? I didn’t get full range of motion back. I have residual pain in that knee that I am told I may have to live with for the rest of my life because that’s just the way it healed.
I screwed myself by not allowing the pain to be fully felt in order to get to the other side. Had I just suffered in the physical therapists office, and the suffering would have been just moments of temporary pain, who knows if my right knee would have recovered fully?
But how do I do that? How do I let myself open to the possibility of more pain from the same person. How do I shut off the voice that says “Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me?”
I do I forgive someone from breaking my heart? For what seems like a really silly reason in retrospect? How do I move forward?
I could ask for guarantees, but I’m not going to get them (or believe them even if he tried). I could ask him to apologize, but what’s that going to do? The answer doesn’t lie in anything that he could possibly say.
It has to come from me, from somewhere inside.
I don’t really know the answer. I am working on a forgiveness meditation to see what comes up and maybe that will guide me to something. This morning I found I have a lot of bad emotions that I try to push away or make excuses for. So maybe step one is to sit with all the negative emotions.
Just like the pain in my knee, I need to feel them and get past it to the other side.
I don’t have any clue what I am doing.
I am scared. I am scared he is going to hurt me again. I am scared that I am going to try all this and the relationship is still going to fail and to me that feels like a complete waste.
I am scared I am going to spend this fall the same way I spent last fall- alone and recovering.
So how do I move forward? I know I am supposed to “embrace the uncertainty” and “feel the emotions.” But damn, that’s hard. It’s one thing to know something and another thing to commit to doing it.
I am completely open to what you have to say. Have you forgiven someone that hurt you and you were able to heal the relationship to move forward? What do you think?