I have become a passive aggressive relationship partner. I know exactly what I want, and I accept and express my feelings. But somehow I stopped going after what I want, I stopped saying how I really feel. I now sit back, let the guy come after me and if he doesn’t come after me I lose interest because I figure he’s not really interested.
When did I get so passive? I was the girl that went after the guy. I told him how I felt. If I wanted to text him to say hello I did. If I wanted to see him, I asked to see him.
Maybe it was because I have been heartbroken a few times recently and I want to prevent that by getting less involved from the beginning. I wanted to encourage them to come after me, perhaps? Or I was afraid I would scare the guy off if I was forward with my real feelings.
I was telling my friend about a pickle I am in with this guy that I am dating that I really like. I was whining about how I am between a rock and a hard place. And I was so frustrated by my situation that I didn’t see the simplest answer. And she didn’t at first either because most of the solutions would involve me getting hurt.
But then it hit her. “If you want him, go get him! Set up dates, call him to ask about his day, send a text when you’re thinking about him. Stop worrying if you are getting in the way.” She gave me this rousing speech that should have been straight out of a Nora Ephron romantic comedy. I would definitely see Rosie O’donnell giving this speech to Meg Ryan.
And we both agreed that yes! I need to go get him, give it a shot. Stop sitting and pining and thinking about how great he is. I need to show I’m interested and give our relationship a shot by acting like it is a relationship.
How enlightening. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of that.
It was so eye opening. I don’t know why I had gotten so distant in my relationship, why had I stopped really making any effort? I was only half showing up. And yet when we were together I was fully present and loved every minute. And when we were apart I spent my time thinking about him.
It’s like that song from the 60s:
Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’
Plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms
That won’t get you into his arms
So if you’re lookin’ to find love you can share
All you gotta do is
Hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care
I used to love that song! And who knew Dusty Springfield had such insight on love? Such simple words, and yet they are so true.
So that’s my plan of action. Show him that I care. I have been making him do all the work for the last several months. I have been making him come to my city instead of taking turns. I have made him take me out and tell me how he felt. I tell him how I feel but it’s time to put it into action.
Maybe I haven’t fully forgiven him for hurting me the first time. I still feel like I am blocking him because I am afraid I am going to get hurt again. If I give it a real shot then I have the chance to get really hurt.
And even bigger, I could be wrong. If I tried, really tried to make this work, and it still fails? Then I’ve been wrong all along. I would be wrong about how I felt and I would have wasted this time dating him again.
It’s funny how much I don’t want to be wrong. But if I don’t give it my best shot, then it’s going to end eventually anyway because I’m not trying to be a part of a relationship. I wouldn’t be holding up my part of the bargain.
So I can be right that he’s going to hurt me.
And maybe that is the way it will end no matter what.
But I have to try. I have to act from my heart.