Some Thoughts On My Adoption

Yesterday I mentioned that I am adopted.

My adoption story is something that really does make me who I am. It doesn’t have an ending yet, so I’m still in the middle of figuring everything out.

I have always known I was adopted. My parents never hid it from me. When I turned 21 I was allowed to go looking for them, but decided I wasn’t ready. Then after a few years I was curious but I was so busy that I didn’t think it was the right time.

Even last year when I decided that I wanted to start the search, I still sat on my paperwork for six months.

But now things are moving along. Paperwork is filed, the initial portion of my search fee has been submitted. And now I am waiting.

I am incredibly excited to get this process moving.

Even though I wasn’t ready to search, I have had my file since I was 21. My mom had non-identifying medical information, she had a few letters that were written between her and my birth mother and my birth mother’s mother.

I have read through those descriptions so many times. It contains the important stuff like does my family have a history of cancer, heart problems or other health related issues. But there were also short passages where each person, my birth mother and my birth father, each described themselves and their parents.

I found parts of myself in those lines. My birth mother was artsy and smart. We shared many of the same qualities, the good and the bad. There were a few similarities that I shared with my birth father, but what I shared with my birth mother was striking. It looked like I had written my own self description.

The letter that she wrote was loving, and I could feel how loved I was by my birth family. I know the decision wasn’t easy for them. I know I wasn’t given up because I wasn’t wanted, that was evident in the letters. They were both religious, and weren’t ready to get married. They wanted me to have the best life, and they didn’t see that they were able to do that.

It is scary to know that my genes are out there somewhere. And I could have siblings. The letter from my birth grandmother was dated around my first birthday and she told my parents that my birthparents were getting married.

But there is a part of me that has internalized that I wasn’t wanted by this couple. Despite the letter that was beautifully written and full of love, I still deal with feelings of abandonment.

I don’t know if meeting my birth parents will help me deal with some of these issues. But I think that it’s a really big part of who I am and some of the insecurities I deal with.

I can’t wait to meet them. I am looking forward to building a relationship with them and getting to know them. I hope they are open to a relationship. But there is only one way to find out where this will go, just like most things I have to wait and see.

 

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