A friend of mine is going through a really tough breakup. It has been dragging out for months, about 7 months to be exact. It is hands down the ugliest break up I have ever seen.
She hangs on to the few nice things he says and sees those as small windows of hope. In the past 7 months I have been there for her while she has sobbed so hard you would think that someone told her that each member of her family had suddenly died. I know that sounds harsh, but that is exactly how hard she was sobbing. There is no other analogy for the ugly sobbing and wailing.
He has said “I don’t love you any more.” He has cheated on her when they got back together and lied and said he was with his son. He has said “it’s over” countless times.
But this guy is so confused that he will do and say these awful things but then he will leave the door open for hooking up in the future by saying he doesn’t know what he wants. Or he still wants her in his life.
Is anyone else reading this and having a “No, duh.” moment about this situation?
Of course a guy doesn’t want to let go of a girl he cares about. Not only is there a physical connection, but after spending two years with someone there is a really strong bond emotionally as well.
I have told her every time she comes crying to me that she needs to look at what his actions are saying, not what his words are saying. Words are easy, actions show the true person. There’s a reason why it’s a cliche that actions speak louder than words. Because they reveal someone’s true self and feelings.
On one hand I know what it’s like to not want to let go. It is really hard to break up with someone that you love. It is hard to let go of someone that you thought you would spend your life with. You are not only letting go of a person, but all of the hopes and dreams you had associated with him.
My friend keeps hanging on to all the words that he says, and the ones that he doesn’t say. He doesn’t say “I don’t love you” (This time. He has said it in previous breakups. Yes, there have been a few breakups) He’s not saying I want you out of my life forever. Or “this is a permanent goodbye.” He’s leaving a window open so they can maybe get back together some day, and she is holding on to the hope of that window like the last life raft at the Titanic.
But his actions are speaking volumes. He’s lied, he’s cheated, he’s created distance, he is constantly making her cry, he keeps breaking her heart over and over. He has been incredibly selfish and chosen himself by seeing her only when he wants but never when she wants to see him.
I don’t mean to knock this guy down, these are the actions of a guy that is really confused and selfish. And selfish is fine, just don’t drag someone else through the mud because of it.
I know it is hard to let go of someone we want to be with. I know that sometimes our heart wants us to hang on because we have memories of the good times and we have hopes of what could be.
But at the end of the day real feelings will be revealed through someone’s actions. If they aren’t willing to take your feelings into consideration and make changes to help you, then it’s not worth fighting to keep them in your life. You are fighting for a fantasy that will never come true.
It is hard to hear the truth. I know my friend is in denial and isn’t ready to hear it. We all hear it when we’re ready, and unfortunately it may take some more time and more heartbreak for her.