I took stock recently and noticed I am letting fear run the show again.
Ever have one of those moments, where you take a look around at your behavior and you see more that you dislike and less that you like?
I am probably exaggerating. And I have done a lot of personal development work over the last two years so I caught things before it got as crazy as it used to.
I used to spin a bit out of control. It would be a total downward spiral so subtle that most of my friends wouldn’t even notice. They would just see me going through a rough patch, and needing more support than normal.
So I noticed a few of my old patterns. Such as I ten to get stuck in my head and distracted throughout my day. My mood and energy are lower. I start feeling jealous or insecure. I start obsessing. And sometimes crying for no reason.
Check, check and check. Yes all those old patterns were coming back in full force. I needed to nip it in the bud.
I went back to an old trusty friend- the books by Gabrielle Bernstein. I decided to start each day by reading a little and meditating a little. It’s not always easy to wake up earlier than normal, but I think it’s been helping.
I also made a commitment to myself to start working out again. It was mostly motivated by vain reasons. As a former personal trainer, I used to be moving around all day and I was pretty fit. When things got really stressful I dropped my workouts because I didn’t have time or energy. And in the last six months I have put on a few pounds and I’ve gotten squishy. I don’t like feeling squishy.
I have two weddings coming up in August and September plus a big gala event. There are going to be plenty of skin baring and curve hugging dresses and I would like to not look squishy! So I am eating better and I am back at the gym. Which also has an incredible effect on mood and self esteem. I love it when everything works together.
When I started this blog as a way to share what I was going through and what I have learned, I decided I was going to be the happiest Single I could be. I don’t need a relationship to prove my worth to my self or to anyone else. I don’t need anyone else’s opinions either, my opinion of myself is the only one that matters.
I have always been very independent and I pride myself of that. I know that it’s something that the men that I date find very attractive. Let me be clear that isn’t why I am independent, it’s just a happy side benefit that it is an attractive quality.
But I know when I get into these moods, these moments where I start to spiral and get out of control I completely lose my sense of independence. I start to cling to the person I am dating like a life raft from the Titanic. “She’s going down! Women and children first! Save yourselves!”
And that must be confusing. It must seem like a complete disconnect to have such a strong, independent woman suddenly become so needy and small. It is probably a major turnoff.
And I am sure my friends find it just as confusing.
So I put on my Big Girl Panties this week. I faced the hard stuff head on and said “Fear, you are not getting the better of me this time! There is too much love and good stuff out there in the universe and I am giving my energy to those things!” And that’s what the Gabrielle Bernstein books are helping with.
And to mark my return to independence, I stopped procrastinating and I went to look for a new car. Mine is nearly dead. And I really was dreading car shopping.
But I went last night. Alone. No male relative or friend in tow to make sure I’m not hustled. No, I did my research, I kept my Kelly Blue Book app handy. And it was incredibly fun and liberating.
Sadly I didn’t get to negotiate. Something I was really looking forward to giving a shot. Stupid car dealers price everything at a fixed price these days. What a shame.
Today my meditation and focus is on gratitude. Gratitude is my only attitude today. Thank you all for being my readers, thank you for being such great friends in keeping the conversation going and for supporting me.
If you need help or support during your low moments, know that I am here. I’ve been there. See this as a safe space to vent and try things out.
And if you’re good at negotiating and would like to help me practice, drop me a line. 😉