I am disappointed. In oh so many things that I don’t even know where to start.
But I’m not disappointed in myself, so at least I’ve got that going for me.
Remember that guy that I made the big mistake with a few months ago? He came to town and contacted me. I was very clear that I was ok with catching up but not ok with anything else. He promised he had no other intentions.
Fast forward two hours and he stopped being coy and started seriously making moves and trying to advance things. That makes him sound really gross, but trust me it wasn’t gross. He was smooth and said all the things I wanted a guy to say.
I’m going to spoil the ending because it’s important. Nothing happened, I shut him down every time.
Which strangely turned him on even more.
He told me he was attracted to me, the real me. He loved my independence and that Iw as sure in who in was. He thought I was hot, complimenting all the things thati would like a guy to compliment. He was aggressive, which felt masculine and not pushy. He flirted and spoke his mind.
It was hot.
I spent the better part of an hour blushing and laughing at his winks and advances. What struck me was when he asked if I laugh this much all the time. He didn’t even wait for an answer before he said “Because you should. You deserve to and it’s hot.”
And so I started thinking. Yes, the guy I am crazy about makes me feel that way and makes me laugh. But neither of us is this honest. Neither of us puts all of our cards on the table.
maybe the Dangerous guy can be so honest because he has nothing to lose. And I can’t be honest with my guy because if I am honest I can lose all the good stuff.
So do I out it on the line? Do I be honest and straight forward and risk having this guy get scared and run away again?
Maybe I should be honest, that’s what everyone says. Be honest, tell someone how you feel. If they reject it then it wasn’t going to happen anyway.
But the twist is the other reason why I am disappointed. I guess you could say that I tested him. And he did not pass.
I was a little freaked out about the evening’s events, but I was definitely questioning my relationships. If a guy that is completely unavailable can “get” me and make me feel great, then it makes me feel like there are men out there and it’s not a limited number. It rattled me because I guess you could say I am hanging on to this guy that I am crazy about because he “gets” me, really gets me. I thought that it was rare, because it is, I don’t find guys like that very often.
But apparently they are actually out there.
But this guy isn’t available to me either. The Dangerous guy isn’t available because of his relationship status. The guy in my life isn’t available because he chooses to be incredibly busy with work. I responded to a text he sent five minutes earlier and said I had a bad night and needed to talk. No response. Sometimes he doesn’t get texts so I called. No answer.
The guy I want choose to be unavailable. What if something bad really happened? Would he be there? Can I count on him for support when I need it? I’m worried that my answer is that I can’t be sure, and I’m not ok with that. I want a guy I can count on, I think I deserve that.
I am disappointed and confused. Does this mean that I have to lay it on the line and say what I want: someone I can count on if I need them. And it doesn’t happen often, I don’t have crises on a regular basis. I am great at getting through them on my own, but I want someone that can be there for me.
And I’m worried he’s going to say he can’t give that to me, and then what? Then I end it? That feels so anti-climactic. “Welp, that was a great couple of months and an intense connection but now it’s all over. See ya.”
The Dangerous Guy was right. I do deserve a lot.
And I don’t know what scares me more, how much I care about the one guy and the possibility that that will scare him off? Or that I am going to ask him for more than he can give and that will scare him off?
Can I ask you for a little bit of support? Knowing how important it is for me to be honest kept me strong when I was presented with temptation, so know that you have already helped me say no to the Dangerous Guy. I felt accountable to you my readers and I didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.
Can I ask you to help me be strong again? I am really afraid to ask for what I want and to tell the guy how I feel and then I lose him. I know I can start over again, but I don’t really want to. I want this guy to step up because I think what he and I have is special. I have the strength to start over, if that’s what it takes.
I don’t know if I have the strength to be completely honest and risk losing something I deeply care about. Send me some support?