I have some questions.
Maybe you have answers. If you do, feel free to chime in below in the comments.
- Can love be uneven?
If you’ve been watching True Blood, Sookie had this speech where she was telling Bill about her relationship with Alcide. That is weird enough as it is, to have a conversation with your first love about your current love. But she talked about how she thinks Alcide loves her more than she loves him. He means it more.
Bill tells her that love isn’t always even, and maybe she will grow to love him.
What’s true? I’ve been broken up with before because the guy thinks I have stronger feelings than he does. And I’ve used that as an excuse before too.
But what is the alternative? Hold back your feelings, and don’t be open when you like someone about how much you like that person? Dole out your feelings and affection slowly, and only in the same amount as what they’ve given to you?
That doesn’t feel right either. It feels like it’s holding back and not showing the truth.
But people get scared and overwhelmed. And Sookie even tells Bill we can’t control how people hear the things that we say. Which is also a huge statement in itself. But when we share our emotions, we can’t control how someone else is going to deal with it or how it makes them feel.
I think we can all hope that it will be ok, and that they will feel the same. But they often don’t, and then we’re not sure how to deal with these unbalanced feelings. So people just choose to break up, because unbalanced must be bad.
Why doesn’t anyone talk about unbalanced feelings? Why doesn’t someone with experience talk about this? Do couples that last forever have experiences when they think that feelings are unbalanced and they work through it? What gets them through it?
I feel like all I ever hear about are the great moments. The “how you know” moments, and the dirtier side is less often revealed. A dear friend of mine was fighting with her partner and was venting with me. And she revealed something that was helpful for me, it was like a sneak peek into how a long term relationship works.
She said “I love my wife, but I really don’t like her right now. And I wouldn’t be telling you any of this if I hadn’t already talked to her about all of it. So none of this would be news to her.”
That was such a telling moment for me. I already knew couples had those moments of difficulty and they worked through them. They committed to each other and know that they both want to work through them together. But I don’t think that I had ever heard someone give the detail that what someone says in public has already been said in private. It was like “Oh, that’s how that works!”
So can someone please tell me if relationships go through periods where things are unbalanced? Or does unbalanced mean that it’s just doomed?
- How do you know when it’s love versus lust?
I used to teach an after school program for high school kids, and we taught these kids to write poems, performance pieces and we would practice performing often. So many of the teenagers had their hormones raging and would write about love and lust. And I heard the same question from every teenage kid I have ever known, how do you know when it’s love or lust?
And as someone older, I thought I was wiser and knew the difference. But honestly, I don’t know if that question ever goes away.
Sometimes that lust feeling is interpreted as a “connection” or that special “spark.”
What the hell does that even mean? I place so much value on that spark, I want to be attracted to my partner and I expect that early on. I know people say that it can grow, but if I don’t feel it then I usually lose interest. But it’s a double edged sword because you can lose interest after sex because the tension dissipates.
But then there is also the complete opposite. When the lust is so strong the you find yourself in a sex haze. It blurs the line of what’s real and what is just sexual attraction.
And the sex doesn’t even have to be that good. The oxytocin chemical doesn’t care whether it’s good or not, your biological chemistry is going against you and trying to get you to choose a mate. Female biology will link you to the person you are having sex with, whether you want to or not.
But especially when it is good, it confuses everything. It makes the relationship seem more than it is. It’s more meaningful, it’s more caring, it has more long term potential.
And for me when I am in the sex haze I can’t see the end. Once I realized how powerful the sex haze is, I started getting much more selective. And wary of everything that comes with it.
But if I am still feeling those strong feelings, how can we know when it’s love?
I’m trying to think of all the things I used to tell the kids. And they seem pretty trite. I can’t believe I used to get away with some of the vague answers.
But maybe the answers to these questions, like so many of the big questions, don’t have definite answers. Maybe it’s a floating line, maybe they will have different answers for different situations.
Or maybe I find out one day that they do have answers. And if I figure that out, I will let you know.