So in my post about an Unusual Situation I talked about my personal predicament that I jump in with both feet when I really like a guy.
Well, where do I start with this update?
The guy I dated from my soccer team is basically out of the picture, I realized fairly quickly that there was no future there. But, as you may have gleaned from other posts I’ve made, I’m dating a few guys and I’m loving this dating phase in my life.
But the one guy? That one that gives me butterflies, that gives me the feeling that I want to jump all in and yell from the rooftops about how I feel… yeah, he’s still around.
And surprisingly, I figured out my own way to make it work and keep my cool.
I’m not sure if I can say 100% that it works, because it’s too soon to tell for sure. But things are going well so far.
Here is what is working.
Confidence: (because the opposite, insecurity, is a real big turn off) I stopped doubting how he feels about me. He’s been very clear through words and actions about how he feels. I stopped listening to the people in my life that doubt everything that sounds different from their own relationship, and I stopped listening to my ego that has been programmed by TV and movies for way too many years. TV and movies say that the guy that doesn’t play the normal rules doesn’t deserve the girl, and then if they are really meant to be he changes for the girl and everyone lives happily ever after.
But I realized that this isn’t true.
I read a book about the different ways people relate to each other when it comes to attachment. Most people are secure when it comes to attachment. However, the problem is that these people are very rarely single, because they attract other secure people and wind up happily together. The other part of the people are variations of insecure. They are either anxious or avoidant. I am mostly anxious- meaning that I get extremely attached, I think about the guy non-stop, and I need constant reassurance.
The guys that I (an most anxious types are attracted to) are avoidants. An avoidant runs away from showing any feelings, pines for “the one that got away” or that perfect “one” while neglecting any one in front of them. Anxious types repel each other, and the avoidants are attractive because you can’t have them.
This is over-simplifying the theory, but I found the concepts extremely enlightening. I realized that he and I are insecure types, which doesn’t mean we are unworthy of love or that we don’t care about each other. It just means that we have our own issues with love that we are working through.
Knowing that, each person has to decide whether or not they want work with that for the length of the relationship. You can choose whether or not that is a deal breaker. Because you have the right to say either way- it is ok to say that you do not want an insecure relationship.
I think I am trying to walk the line with a foot on each side. I am still dating my guy that I adore, while I am fully aware that he is insecure in relationships. I am trying to decide if I want to deal with this. I am taking it slow, enjoying the good parts and evaluating the parts that seem insecure.And then the other foot is looking to see if I can find an equally happy and satisfying relationship with someone that is secure.
I recognize what is happening, when things get deep and meaningful he is going to pull away and create distance. He is going to be afraid. It is not me, it is not because he doesn’t care about me.
A busy schedule with lots of interests and friends: I say this often about being a single girl. It is important to keep your friends as big a part of your life when you’re dating someone as when you’re single. Keep your social life and your interests, because this is what makes you interesting.
Besides, both keep me appropriately distracted when I need to be.
Patience and a sense of humor: I am a bit uptight and a control freak, I am the first to admit that. I like to know what is going on all the time. But what has been a wonderful part of my own personal growth is developing faith and trust.
A part of this journey that I am on as a single woman was developing a spiritual practice. I turned to many of the modern day spiritual guides for help when I was struggling when I was newly single many months ago, and when I was feeling particularly low. My go-to people to follow (and I’ve written about them several times, I draw a lot of inspiration from them) are Gabrielle Bernstein, Danielle LaPorte and Mastin Kipp at The Daily Love.
They all speak about the metaphysical part of the universe, which is something that I can get behind. Yes, I do believe that the universe is on my side and that everything is working out the way that it is supposed to be. I do believe that the forces of the universe work on our behalf to help us recognize and fulfill our purpose, especially when we ask for help and guidance.
For a control freak like myself, I have been working on developing patience, trust and faith. And a belief in abundance. One person is not the end all be all in my world. If it doesn’t work out with him, there is so much love in the world that he will not be the last person in my life.
Once I realized and accepted that I cannot control a situation and the harder that I try to control it the more it is going to squirm to get away. Think about… just about anything! If you squeeze it and try to hang on, it is going to run away. But if you relax and go about your own business, it will stay around.
And gosh darnnit, that actually works!
I am not one to say go with the flow, but I want to be one of the go with the flow types. So I’m developing it.
Here is my theory, and I am calling it a theory because it hasn’t been fully tested. Feel free to jump in with both feet, if that is who you are. But that does not mean that you have to be crazy and intense. That is a major turn off. You are completely allowed to be into a guy and to feel strongly for someone, your feelings are not wrong or the problem. You can choose how to behave and how to act on it, though.
It’s like what we were probably all told as kids, “Be cool, dude. Just be cool.”
It actually works. My friend that told me to be flakey was actually just giving me this same advice but in his lingo through his filter. (Isn’t this the worst part about advice? Everyone is giving it through their own filter, so it makes it hard to re-filter it through my experiences)
So, the most general way I can pass on what I’ve learned is to be cool.