What Do You Do With Jealousy?

I understand that jealousy is a worthless emotion. I know that it is worth nothing when it comes to the grand scheme of things.

It is one thing to intellectually know something and another to know it in your body and soul. It’s when you know something mind, body and soul that you’re really  living it.

So jealousy is something that I am still working on in my life. Some days are better than others, and lately I’ve had a few bad brushes with the green eyed monster.

Why am I jealous?

I have been asking myself that question over and over. It’s an exercise I picked up from Danielle LaPorte actually, she used a different question in a different context but the principle is the same. Ask yourself the same question, over and over and you will get to some deep shit.

And shit it was.

What I dug up was all this stuff about comparing myself to this other girl. I went through all of it, she’s more interesting, talented, intelligent, stylish, available, witty…oh my list went on and on. I’m starting to feel bad just writing it again, but I wanted to share it with you. I wanted to share my vulnerability and insecurities because I know that in calling them out I weaken them.

And to show that I have no real reason to feel bad about these things. Especially because I don’t know this girl hardly at all so everything that I am jealous of I am completely projecting on her. I am assuming these things because she is dating a guy I am dating and she must be pretty wonderful if he’s dating her. So I assume she is better than me at all these things, that I wish I was more of those things, that she has something that I don’t.

But maybe that isn’t true at all.

And I know more than anything this truth that I was told years ago: Curiosity didn’t kill the cat. Comparison did.

I am wonderful. I am special.

Yes, the guy tells me these things, but I don’t need him to tell me in order for me to know it.

I am.

Yeah, it’s nice that he recognizes that. But I know inside of me that I am a valuable person, and comparing myself to someone else doesn’t change what I am.

My value is inside, it doesn’t come from comparing myself to someone and saying “I’m better than she is.” And it doesn’t come from a guy that tells me so. It’s within, and I get to choose how brightly I let it shine for the world.

And all those things that I see in her than make me feel jealous? They are the same qualities I value about myself, maybe I’ve just been dulling them a bit and not letting them shine at all.

I was doing a little research on jealousy and how I can overcome it peacefully.  I came across this beautiful piece. Maybe you will find it helpful, too.

When was the last time you felt jealous, and what triggered it? What did you do about it?


PS. A big shout out to my dear friend that was there for me in my time of need when I was feeling crappy and beaten down by jealousy. I started writing thinking that was enough to diffuse the jealousy. But I needed a little extra help from someone that loved me. She was exactly what I needed. I love you, friend. 🙂


7 thoughts on “What Do You Do With Jealousy?

  1. I find myself realizing tht I’m a but jealous as I’ve gotten older. I think because I’ve come into my own being and knowing who I am what I want, that im even more aware of the other “better” people out there. It sucks but I commend you on sharing your story with us! It’s refreshing to know that we’re not alone 🙂

  2. It’s really hard not to be jealous once I’m jealous. I know, objectively, we can’t really just compare people. No one has been through everything I’ve been through and whoever I’m comparing myself to also has her own life and background that are different from mine. No one can absolutely be the best and most perfect in everything. Even our ideas of best and perfect are different.

    But yeah, even when I know that I shouldn’t be jealous, there are times when I still am. It sucks. Like you, I remind myself that my being jealous really has more to do with me than with other people. I try to get in touch with my inner source of security in order to overcome my own insecurity.

    Thanks for sharing. I agree with FashionD, you’re not alone. Indeed, we are wonderful. We are special. Let’s work on owning it!

    • Thank you both! I felt a million times better after I wrote this article the other day and I’m feeling emotionally raw this morning so it was nice to read both of your comments. By emotionally raw, I just mean I feel extra sensitive to everything. I’m not sure what would solve the problem, so I’m trying to be careful in my interactions because I don’t want to lash out or burst into tears suddenly. So thank you for writing, it’s nice to hear from other people that we all go through this.

  3. Another 30something single gal starting over here 🙂
    While jealousy and comparisons can reveil some of your inner insecurities you might want to work on, to be a better person, to heal yourself or whatever, there is one simple (or hard?) truth and that is that there is no competition or rivalry. Nobody really has a competitor or a rival in these matters.
    Because it is not a competition or a race, it is not that a best girl, or the smartest, or the funniest, or the most beautiful or the most passionate girl would win – people connect in mysterieus ways, that are sometimes beyond understanding even for themselves. I sometimes think that it would be actually a piece of cake if it was a competition, it seems easier to be the best than to be the right one.
    Love your blog, keep on! 🙂

    • The simple truths usually are the hard ones.
      And what makes that one particularly hard is accepting the other person’s choice. I want to be the person he chooses, I want to be the only one he wants and needs. I know that I a complete ego trip. I also know that when other guys have put me as that single and central person, I have been turned off and scared and I run away. And when I am one, but not the one, jealousy is running rampant. I am working on accepting that having other people in his life does not lessen how awesome I am, and it does not weaken the connection we have. I have to trust and have faith in what we have. What a challenge.

      • Yes, a tough one. When this jealousy and confidence crisis hits my head really hard, I usually go for a 10km walk, soldier’s march.
        It’s not helping, just wanted you to know that :p

  4. Pingback: Curiosity Didn’t Kill The Cat. Comparison Did. | Single Gal Starting Over

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