A Note On Asking For What You Want

You can’t get what you want if you first don’t know what you want, and second if you don’t ask for it.

Seems so simple. And yet, why is it so hard?

I’m at a point in my life where I feel really lucky to be dating many different people, and I am really enjoying it. I love the variety, and and I love getting to know so many different people. I also love that I don’t have to get too close to any one person in particular. More on that later, I just realized how weighty a subject that sentence is. I love that I don’t owe anyone anything, I don’t have to give one person all my time, I still get to sleep alone most of the time. Which I know sounds like a weird perk, but I love my bed. I love getting to spread out and sleep on a diagonal.

So I am not at all ready for this to come to an end. I’m also on a bit of a hot streak right now, and I think it is literally raining men in my life right now. And hallelujah, it is so much fun!

Please know that I do not want this to come to an end.

But I do want a little more out of one of my relationships.

I’ve had a great time dating men, all of them are still new that it feels like you’re still getting to know the person, each date is a discovery. And while I’m dating them, I”m also learning about my self. I’m learning about what I’m looking for and what I need in another person.

I had a date with one guy this weekend, and it went great. But the past two times I have had a date with this guy it is usually late at night so the quality time we spend together is fairly short. And I’ve been feeling like something is missing.

That something missing is a connection. It’s missing that connection of two people that like each other enough to share their intimate details of their days. He and I have that big connection, the one where he understands who I am and he gets me. I want both, I want that big connection and the guy that wants to know what happens on my life on a regular basis.

I really don’t want a daily phone chat, I don’t even want a daily text. I want a phone conversation every once in a while. I want to hear about what keeps him busy and what keeps him moving forward. I want him to care about my day. I want someone that is excited about what gets me excited and is willing to hear about what frustrates me.

I know he gets excited over what gets me excited, I know he is supportive when I need him.

But he is impossible to get on the phone with any predictability. Sometimes I call and I get him, sometimes I call and I leave a message and he calls me back. Sometimes I call and I don’t hear back from him. It is completely inconsistent.

So I am afraid to ask for what I want, because I am really afraid that it is going to become the beginning of the end.

I want to talk every once in a while, a few times a week. Nothing big, it doesn’t have to be a long conversation. Just chatting every once in a while to keep in touch.

I am terrified that he is going to hear me and think that he can’t handle it. That I am asking for too much.

I understand that asking for a phone conversation every once in a while. I know that doesn’t sound like much.

But we went down this road before. I asked for a relationship, he wasn’t ready to give me what I wanted. I don’t know if he got scared and ran away. I don’t know what the real reason was, but he left and things ended. And I am completely terrified that it’s going to happen again.

I know you’re supposed to be a little afraid when you ask for something you want. It means you really want it.

I just don’t want the possible negative result.

I thought I could be ok with just the casual thing, I knew that it would eventually have an expiration and I would want more.

And of course it happened when my feelings are starting to get more serious.

I suppose that I have to accept that the problem may be big enough that it would stand in the way no matter what, and I have to be willing to walk away and find someone that can give me what I want. I deserve someone that can give me that.

But it is really hard to walk away from something this good.

And maybe I am getting upset over nothing, maybe he will say that he can give me exactly what I want.

I’m really afraid that isn’t going to happen. And what’s the point of asking for what you want if it makes you unhappy anyway?




3 thoughts on “A Note On Asking For What You Want

  1. Hi
    When you say you went down this road before, do you mean with this guy or someone else? I don’t think asking for regular chats is unreasonable but perhaps thinking about it as you are doing and what it could mean will help you formulate an approach. For instance, if you worry that asking for regular phone calls could come across as clingy, then can you find a way of meeting up regularly for a shared activity like a sport perhaps or weekly cinema outings? All guys are different but a lot do have the common tendency to not liking chatting for the sake of it, so accompanying it with another activity might take the edge off it and also give “purpose” to the conversation. Of course you’ll know this guy better than me and perhaps he would appreciate the regular contact and you’re just stung but I’d say start slowly and work up to a few phone calls a week rather than from the off, which could require a bit more adjustment for him perhaps.

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