Confession: I Kissed Someone That I Shouldn’t

Honesty and transparency are important to me. If I am lying or hiding something, then it know it’s a signal to myself that I don’t feel good about what I have done and I need to deal with it.

so I am going to admit that I made a mistake. I let my judgement slip and I got swept up in the heat of the moment. Or all the moments that led up to the poor decision, I think would be a more accurate way to describe it.

I saw an old friend this weekend, someone I haven’t seen in twelve years. I don’t think I ever noticed the chemistry between us before because I had a boyfriend at the time and he was a bit of a player so I wasn’t that interested.

But reliving old memories, hearing what we really thought about each other, and hearing about our lives in the last twelve years. We picked up where we left off, no judgement about each other’s choices, we just listened and celebrated the good stuff. And then our eyes locked.

Have you ever realized how DANGEROUS actual eye contact can be? Holy shit. There’s  a lot of power and heat that can happen between two people when you really look into someone’s eyes. Yowza.

i think that was the moment it started to go downhill.

After that, he started touching my arm casually. He complimented how fit I looked ( I’m a personal trainer, it’s part of the job. I wasn’t trying to show off or impress anyone). He was impressed with my dating stories and my ability to juggle dates. He complimented what I was wearing and called me stylish (it’s those random, unexpected compliments that really get me!). And he kept finding excuses to hang out longer, and alone for the two of us.

I knew calling him trouble was like baiting a hook. But I did it anyway. I smiled and shook my head as I created extra space between us while we walked. “You’re trouble!” I told him, slightly giggling. “What? Me? What’s that mean?” He not-so-innocently asked. I held my hands up in protest, trying to say I am doing nothing wrong and I am keeping my hands where everyone can see them. I had nothing to say. Nothing I could say could get me out of the hole I started to dig.

I made no moves on the guy. I was not going to be the one to act on the attraction. But that does not make me innocent.

Honestly, it felt awesome to kiss this guy. For a moment to forget why I shouldn’t be kissing him.

And since then, it’s not that I feel guilty, per se. Especially because neither of us have any intention on it happening again. It was a one time pass. But I don’t feel proud of it. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, no matter how hot the guy is or how good of a friend. No matter how many times he says it was twelve years in the making, or that the tension was going to break eventually. That’s flimsy logic.

but for a moment, I wondered what my life would’ve been if I had made different choices twelve years ago. What would my life look like if I chose totally different things in college and pursued things that made logical sense, like staying in sports and majoring in history and education? Would my life look like his, steady, stable, and content?

Who knows. I’m not saying I want to trade my life, or that I have regrets. I’m just wondering.

Ever had those moments of temptation? Did you give in or walk away? What did you take away from it? Or is it better to just not think about it?