In Regards To Dating

I get questions a lot about dating. I guess I’ve kinda figured out the ins and outs, how to get a guy to ask you out, how to know when it’s right (and wrong), and how to walk away.

I’m happy to share these tips, because I learned them all the hard way- trial and error and heartbreak and tears and hurt feelings (not always mine!).

Dating is a big part of the single life. Getting to know new people and enjoying that thrill of the first date, the first kiss and all that meaningful eye contact. And there is also fun in the awful dates- think of all the awful stories you get to laugh about with your friends, or all the lessons you learn from what isn’t right.

What really interests me isn’t the “how to get a guy” mumbo jumbo. Because, really, there isn’t anything that I would say that is really that different from all the magazine and blog articles already written on the subject.

What interests me is the how to be ok with just being you, single, attached or whatever. How does someone go through all the dating stories while maintaining a sense of self worth and compassion for herself and the people around her. How does someone not keep their self worth in their relationship status? How do you live life to the fullest without attaching to the results of all that fun stuff someone does (and the not so fun stuff that you do out of obligation).

But, I can write about that another day.

I had a comment yesterday that asked some really common questions about dating and I’m happy to help.

Mary asked “How do you know whether someone is worth a second or third, etc, date? Is it a feeling?”

You’re the only person that can know that because yes, it’s a feeling.

When you approach dating, be curious. Don’t judge or assign any value to it. Just be curious. Who is this person? What are they all about?

And most importantly, how do I feel when I am around him?

How you feel is going to be your biggest indicator. Do you feel at ease? Do you light up around him? Do you feel bored, uncomfortable, or like you have to hide?

Second question: “Can you share some recent dating stories? What were the guys like? What worked/didn’t work?” I haven’t shared a lot of my dating stories because a few of my former fellas know about this blog and read it. So, at least I try to be fair. There are some stories woven in past entries and I will share more in the future, but honestly sometimes it’s pretty uneventful!

Third question: What do you think of guys that are timid and you don’t envision them making the first move? I feel like there is more behind this question that I have to read between the lines. I am going to assume that you  want this fella to ask you out?

There are many different camps here. Some people will tell you that if a guy likes you he will ask you out, no matter how shy he seems. When a guy wants something he will go for it.

Actually, perhaps now is a good time to share a story, like you asked. A guy that I see in a social group setting on a fairly regular basis suddenly seemed interested. All of a sudden, I felt like he was flirting with me. So I flirted back, carefully. I wouldn’t say either of us are shy, per se. Just sensitive to the fact that we shared a social circle, we’d have to see each other over and over.

I mentioned a few group outings and concerts that he might be interested in. He said to let him know when something comes up. I later invited him to a concert, he couldn’t go. More flirting and a week goes by.

The last time I saw him he said we should go to a concert this Friday, if I’m free? It was so casual. It didn’t feel like I was being asked out, there was very little risk of rejection. And yet, we’re hanging out this weekend.

My point is, why not find casual ways to hang out? Group events, concerts, etc. Low risk, it’s an opportunity to hang out, and maybe things will fall into place and he will see it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Keep it easy. Keep it light.

So that’s my dating story, those are the answers I’ve got to your questions. Hopefully that helps somewhat. And I will share more dating stories in the future.

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2 thoughts on “In Regards To Dating

  1. One of my recent lessons learned was to pay attention to how I feel not just when we’re together, but also how I feel about him/in general in between dates. With the last guy I dated, the dates themselves were not the problem. We had fun, we got along, there was chemistry. It was the time in between dates, when I felt like every text was a cliche (Me: “How’s your day?” Him: “Never a dull moment, LOL!” Me: “What’s going on?” Him: “Same old story, LOL!”), and I wasn’t getting to know him better. We were talking about a long-term future, but I started to see that it was just talk. I have a relationship rule that I shouldn’t stay if I’m not at least as happy, on the whole, in the relationship as I am when I’m single. We’d pretty much only see each other on the weekends because we live in different parts of town, and I started wondering if it counted if I was blissfully happy one day out of seven, since I was pretty dissatisfied with the relationship 6/7ths of the time. He broke up with me a little more than a month ago, but it was a relief when he did.

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