My guy friend told me last week that I can be intense. He didn’t mean it to be mean or critical. He just meant that when something is important to me, I get really focused and devote everything to that. It’s great in business and in work (most of the time) but not so great in relationships, especially with men.
He explained to me that he is really laid back in his relationship. Probably more than his girlfriend would like, and he is working on that for her. (Because he is a good guy!) He has a go with the flow energy. When I get focused on something, my energy gets high and intense. It’s actually a repelling energy. It’s not desperation, it’s just intensity. And it means that it is something that has weight for me, it has importance.
He stressed again and again it is a good thing that I make something important. I just need to be aware of how that energy shows up in the world. And he reminded me that he wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. Which I completely agree, we already know this stuff about ourself but sometimes it is hard to identify it about ourselves. It’s easier to look at someone else and point out their flaws.
And it did click. I realized he was absolutely right. I do it in work all the time, and it works for what I do. People respect that actually. But if I am behaving that way when I am dating someone, no wonder men go running for the hills after a few months. Instead of keeping that go with the flow energy that I have when I first start dating someone, I get a little intense when things get serious. No wonder I repel the great guys and they cut things short too early. They bail because suddenly things got really intense, and that’s not fun energy. That says “Run away!”
So he encouraged that I keep an attitude of not caring. I think this is why I never got great at sales, I get the concept of not caring but I have a hard time practicing it consistently. When I am relaxed and not attached to the result, things go smoothly. I seem fun and light and easy going. All the qualities that are attractive to people. I just have to remind myself that I am easy going and fun and light and I can go with the flow. Take it one day at a time.
Being the more intense person that I am, I decided to think about some distractions I could do to help me in times when I am getting stressed or intense. I can go to yoga, I always enjoy that. I can go dancing. I can go for a run. I can go play with a friend’s pet.for me, talking about my intense feelings make them worse, my friends validate my feelings and stress what the other person is doing totally wrong. When it’s not wrong, I am probably freaking out and getting crazy over nothing.
I can’t believe that in all my years of dating that no one has even told me this before. No one has pointed out that I am a bit intense? Has no one noticed?Or are my friends just too close to realize that I have this kind of tense energy going on? Maybe they thought I knew? They thought they would hurt my feelings?
Whatever the reason, two lessons have been learned. One, I have a tense energy that I need to be aware of and I need to defuse in certain situations. Two, when it comes to good friends it is important to be honest. Find the safe situation and tell them in a way that looks out for their best interest. I would be willing to bet that they would be relieved to hear it.