That Really Hurt Me

I am a sensitive and intuitive person. I pick up on a lot. I pick up on more than I actually choose to admit. You know that feeling when a guy you’re dating has become really distant, and you’re freaking out because you’re not ok with it? And you try to figure it out, and you reach out to your best friends and to the guy? When all along you know in your gut that the guy is creating distance so that he can evaluate if he wants to be with you. We women pick up on this stuff. And I know I am really, really sensitive to it.

My gut is absolutely right, it’s a strong belief that I have and I have to remind myself about it because I usually would rather ignore it if it’s telling me something I don’t want to think about.

I walked into work recently and had the odd sensation of a heavy, toxic feeling in the air. I haven’t had that feeling since middle school. It’s the distinct feeling that you walked into the room after you’ve been talked about. People react differently to you, they either act too cooly or they try to be too nice. The balance is off. And I had this at work. Not the place where you want to feel that way.

It pissed me off. I confronted my manager about it later, when I thought I had cooled down. But apparently I hadn’t and tears welled up in my eyes. It hurt.

For whatever reason, I was a glutton for punishment last week because I read some of my old journal entries and text messages from my ex. Maybe I was looking for writing inspiration? And I remembered how much I was freaking out in the last two weeks of the relationship. I felt unwanted and uncertain. What awful feelings to be having while you’re dating someone you really like. It makes it all worse when you want him to like you and he doesn’t.

And I noticed the pattern. I noticed he didn’t return texts as often. He put distance between us and cancelled dates, or was late. At the time, I put them into context that he was stressed and tired from work. But now, without the context, I see what my subconscious knew- he was distancing because he didn’t quite have the courage to say “I’m not that into you.”

I would like to call him an asshole right now. But he’s not an asshole, he’s just a boy.

What hurts is when someone won’t say it to my face.

It hurts when I speculate about what’s going on. And then I’m proven right.

It hurts when I feel like you think I’m going to get pissed so you avoid an uncomfortable conversation. If that’s what you think I’m going to do, you don’t know me at all. That hurts.

It hurts when you pull away.

It hurts when you talk to other people about problems, instead of talking directly to me. Yes, I’m guilty of this too and I will work on it.

It hurts when you make decisions that affect me without me. You assume you know what I  can and can’t handle and decide to “spare my feelings.”

It hurts to leave me in the dark until it’s too late.

Maybe it’s a good sign that I am noticing and aware of the fact that experiencing this in my professional life is not ok and I am preparing to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I am more like to recognize it when it happens in a relationship and I am more likely to stand up for myself and take appropriate action.

If nothing else, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself verbally and telling the manager how I felt. And I am also proud for backing it up with action, and committing to myself to find a way to leave and support myself financially elsewhere.

Funny how much overlap there is in my professional and personal life. Do other people experience that, too?




11 thoughts on “That Really Hurt Me

  1. Hi! Great post. You verbalised exactly how I feel too. Is it woman’s intuition? Or are we just more insightful and perceptive than others? (If so, go us. Although it’s not the most fun skill to have, is it?)
    Like you, I can sense when I’ve been talked about, when people don’t like me and I knew in a previous relationship when they guy was going to break up with me. My friends often think I’m paranoid, but it usually turns out to be true. The thing is, I’ve found that it makes me more sensitive and guarded and that doesn’t help!

  2. yes, i think we all experience that. I see it very much on myself – being not able to stand for myself in my relationship made me unable to do it anywhere else, professionally or otherwise. It is like “people handling pattern”, no matter what place in our life those people have

  3. Hey, sister, friend, your going to be okay, sad to say but its finally busted open and I am happy for you. Now at least you got something to work with. I hate that grieving, happy, grieving. Get it the hell over with, grieve as long as you like, until you feel healed, focus on writing. Write your way through it. Just don’t stop writing because your hurting. It’s not over yet, but you’ll be a happier person on the other side. Love you!

  4. You’re so right. I just got dumped and I cried way more about it before it happened than after because I knew that it was coming I could just tell that it was over. I didn’t want it to be. But it was/is. I don’t know why I ignore my stomach when it’s always right.

  5. half an hour of seven hours one day is seven weeks, a calendar is a month can be a decade spent alone is the feeling of any separation and being left feeling alone. the differences between a man and a women are endless as you will probably know. during my relationships with women throughout my life I have managed not to get in the deep end of all those emotional love things that exist. I recently and unfortunately have just finished being together with a woman for 6yrs. yes of course it hurts but depending on the emotional strength of a person can turn into either devastation for you or maybe hopefully make you realise that from your own experience may actually turn out that after the initial shock of separation between two people that it only strengthens your ability to survive, or so it should in order to deal with these situations in your next relationship. this blog you have written leaves so many stones left unturned therefore leaving opportunities for new discoveries and new feelings of having to deal with this problem of separation and being alone. separation between two people im sure always causes some grief and heartache but I believe the way to deal with this is that you have to wait a while in order for your loving emotions to calm down and to reorganise how you get back upon your feet and to start searching for that special person to arrive into your life and from the start having an understanding of the separation that just went by you. your topic is certainly a good one and I agree that there is too much suffering when people split up but unfortunatley it happens every day of every week and every month of the year. remember this single girl the next time you find a guy and you both fall in love with each other is that no matter what you do or where you go. even if you are different sides of the planet a thought of the love you have can travel around the world just as quick as if you were stood beside each other. make your thoughts about your love more brighter and clearer but most of all fill make sure every single thought you have is filled with every ounce of love you can give to your loving partner which hopefully will re-bound straight into your big loving heart. it has to work bothways. good luck.x.x.

  6. Your blog is great!

    A few things that would be fun to learn about.
    1) How do you know whether someone is worth a second or third, etc, date? Is it a feeling?
    2) Can you share some recent dating stories? What were the guys like? What worked/didn’t work?
    3) What do you think of guys who are timid and you don’t envision them making the first move?

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