I am a sensitive and intuitive person. I pick up on a lot. I pick up on more than I actually choose to admit. You know that feeling when a guy you’re dating has become really distant, and you’re freaking out because you’re not ok with it? And you try to figure it out, and you reach out to your best friends and to the guy? When all along you know in your gut that the guy is creating distance so that he can evaluate if he wants to be with you. We women pick up on this stuff. And I know I am really, really sensitive to it.
My gut is absolutely right, it’s a strong belief that I have and I have to remind myself about it because I usually would rather ignore it if it’s telling me something I don’t want to think about.
I walked into work recently and had the odd sensation of a heavy, toxic feeling in the air. I haven’t had that feeling since middle school. It’s the distinct feeling that you walked into the room after you’ve been talked about. People react differently to you, they either act too cooly or they try to be too nice. The balance is off. And I had this at work. Not the place where you want to feel that way.
It pissed me off. I confronted my manager about it later, when I thought I had cooled down. But apparently I hadn’t and tears welled up in my eyes. It hurt.
For whatever reason, I was a glutton for punishment last week because I read some of my old journal entries and text messages from my ex. Maybe I was looking for writing inspiration? And I remembered how much I was freaking out in the last two weeks of the relationship. I felt unwanted and uncertain. What awful feelings to be having while you’re dating someone you really like. It makes it all worse when you want him to like you and he doesn’t.
And I noticed the pattern. I noticed he didn’t return texts as often. He put distance between us and cancelled dates, or was late. At the time, I put them into context that he was stressed and tired from work. But now, without the context, I see what my subconscious knew- he was distancing because he didn’t quite have the courage to say “I’m not that into you.”
I would like to call him an asshole right now. But he’s not an asshole, he’s just a boy.
What hurts is when someone won’t say it to my face.
It hurts when I speculate about what’s going on. And then I’m proven right.
It hurts when I feel like you think I’m going to get pissed so you avoid an uncomfortable conversation. If that’s what you think I’m going to do, you don’t know me at all. That hurts.
It hurts when you pull away.
It hurts when you talk to other people about problems, instead of talking directly to me. Yes, I’m guilty of this too and I will work on it.
It hurts when you make decisions that affect me without me. You assume you know what I can and can’t handle and decide to “spare my feelings.”
It hurts to leave me in the dark until it’s too late.
Maybe it’s a good sign that I am noticing and aware of the fact that experiencing this in my professional life is not ok and I am preparing to leave. Maybe that’s a sign that I am more like to recognize it when it happens in a relationship and I am more likely to stand up for myself and take appropriate action.
If nothing else, I am proud of myself for standing up for myself verbally and telling the manager how I felt. And I am also proud for backing it up with action, and committing to myself to find a way to leave and support myself financially elsewhere.
Funny how much overlap there is in my professional and personal life. Do other people experience that, too?