The above quote was written by sports psychology coach Todd Herman. He coaches Olympic and professional athletes to use the power of their minds to perform better.
Herman encourages his clientele to script the performance but not the outcome- there are too many things that can’t be predicted or controlled.
There’s a Buddhist monk that says something similar (and I can’t find him or the quote! I’m going to have to summarize) when he says that you are entitled to the work and the process, but not to the result.
The point is that you can control your part of the process- the work. You cannot control what happens after that.
This is a mind blowing concept in relationships. So often we try to act in a way that will give us a certain result. We try to play the games- we pretend to not be interested to keep him intrigued. We pretend to not want sex so he wants it more. We pretend to be cool, even though we’re unhappy or flipping out or totally not digging the scene. We pretend that we want sex, that we’re ok with certain things, that we’re kinkier just to make him happy, but then we feel embarrassed or unsafe. We cannot control the result, we can control the process.
Be prepared. How do you see things going? How do you feel? How do you want to feel? What steps will you take to feel that way?
I have a friend going through this with a male friend of hers. I can’t quite call him a boyfriend, it’s complicated. Anyway, she’s trying to play all these games of withholding and being distant and cool. Make him really want her. Then she flips the script and unleashes all of her emotions on him all at once expecting him to comfort her.
I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you for me to say that she’s never getting the response that she wants.
I’ve tried to warn her that she can’t act with the intention of controlling or manipulating his response. He’s unpredictable.
It’s important to know what you can control and what is beyond your control. Any other person’s reactions is definitely beyond your control.
Do your part, but let go of the expectations. Tricky, I know. It’s almost a complicated contemplative mind puzzle, like what’s the sound of one hand clapping? But it is so freeing to act from your own truth and know that is the best you can do. Then you can deal with whatever comes.
You’re never going to know how something is going to turn out. To can’twritethatpart. People don’t follow scripts like actorsdo. You have to be prepared to show up as your best self and do your best with what comes.