We all want to feel good. That’s just human nature, we seek out experiences that feel good.
They say that a person will work harder to avoid pain (or perceived pain) over working hard to feelpleasure. The potential punishment is more of a motivator than reward.
I have been re-reading one of the sources that I turn to so I can get in touch with my soul again- Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. Yesterday I wrote about not jumping into a relationship, and as I was reading Danielle’s book I realized that she’s talking about the same thing in any area of our life. She writes “If you have to step outside of yourself, away from your values and Soul to get your needs met, then you’re not really going to get your needs me.”
Her instructions are simple. Define how you want to feel. Do stuff that makes you feel that way.
Oh!!!!! I hear the collective choir begin to sing and the heavens open as lightbulbs turn on. So I don’t have to define the stuff I want to do, I have to figure out how I want to feel!
That’s what it’s all about anyway. We say we want to be married with 2 kids by 35, we want the job that pays 6 figures, we want the house with hardwood floors and a view of the mountains, we want a 2 week vacation touring Tuscany. Ok, so you get that thing you want. And then you feel let down. It didn’t live up to expectations. It didn’t make you feel the way you thought it would when you acquired this thing. Then what? You seek out some other thing hoping to get that feeling you want.
Or, you delay feeling good altogether. I’ll feel happy when I… Once I get the car, the boyfriend, the job, the pet, the wardrobe I’ll be happy. But you still feel empty. You’re not defining your Core Desired Feelings. What do you want to get out of all of it?
So what does this all mean in relationships?
Like I wrote yesterday, seeking a relationship outside of yourself doesn’t automatically give you the answers. You have the answers. Only you.
How do you want to feel in your relationship? Are you getting that? Are your needs being met? If not, what can you do to achieve those feelings?
How do you want to feel in your life? Not just in your relationships, in life how do you want to feel? How can you get that?
That’s what brings light to your life, that’s what keeps your inner fire burning like a hot wood stove (what I wouldn’t give for one of those today!)
If you define how you want to feel, it doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship or not. You are accountable for your feelings. Want to feel sexy? You don’t have to be in bed with someone to feel sexy. Maybe you clean your apartment in the buff, take a tango class, wear your sexy lingerie under your work clothes. There are a million ways that don’t require you to hand over your power to someone else.
So what’s the point? To feel good. You have all the power to feel good. Not your boyfriend, or lack of a boyfriend.
Feel good all on your own.