Rushing Into A Relationship Isn’t The Answer

Everyone moves at their own pace and each person finds his or herself ready for a relationship at their own pace. Some people are ready to jump in quickly after a relationship ends, and some people need time to themselves to heal old wounds and get in touch with themselves.

I typically fall into the latter category. Especially because I have a habit of analyzing things and talking through them over and over again. My old relationships tend to linger a bit too long. I have  a friend that is wading through these murky waters and seems to want to be in the first category.

Why do I say “seems to want” you may ask?

Because in one breath she’s checking out the hot guys and flirting and debating about who to makeout with. In the next breath, she’s obsessing over the ex, she’s saying how she doesn’t want to be with anyone, and says everything feels empty.

These feelings are completely normal, going through a breakup is an extremely big change and that stirs up a lot of emotion. Mood swings and changing one’s mind is all a part of the process. And sometimes those mood swings are going to involve craving company in your bed.

And I would never judge someone for being lonely or for wanting someone new to have sex with. That is up to the individual to choose. But the key word is choose. The Webster’s dictionary defines choose as “to select from a number of possibilities, to prefer or decide.”

There is making active, thought-out choices and there are spontaneous choices. Neither is better than the other, it’s just a matter of deciding which of the options one will go with and then leaving the others in the dust.

Choice means not waffling back and forth and trying to have everything. It is a matter of picking one road, and going down that road. You can choose any road you wish, but after you do you can’t go down both.

(Oh dear, I just accidentally summarized Robert Frost)

After you make the choice you can either move forward or you can regret it. And now I’m going to be sharing my experiences of regret, and I am not speaking for anyone other than myself and my lessons learned.

I found that when I slept with someone just to forget someone else or to feel better about myself it never worked out. Even if I went out to flirt with guys and to get picked up so that I could boost my self esteem, it never worked out. I would get hit on by people that made me feel bad about myself, I wouldn’t get hit on at all, or I would find the guy I was interested in wasn’t interested in me. This made me feel worse, lower than low. I’d end up drinking too much so I felt awful physically, I would end up crying and feeling sorry for myself. Never pretty.

It’s hard to shake that feeling, too. It would last for days and it would drag me down way longer than it needed to.

So here’s my advice from my personal experience.

It’s ok to sleep with someone whenever you want, if what you want is to have sex. Try to have as few expectations other than you want to get off. Try to avoid using other people to heal your own wounds.There are better ways to do that. You can’t control what another person is going to do, so you cannot lay your well-being on someone else’s shoulders.

Someone else cannot be your happiness. It doesn’t work in the long run. Find what makes you happy, and pursue that. It can be whatever you want, sex, flirting, dancing, reading and being quiet, making mix tapes, making new friends… whatever! Just choose that option because it is what you want.

It’s about you, not someone else. Don’t make choices based on someone else. You have to listen to yourself and use that as your guide. Listen to your inner voice.



6 thoughts on “Rushing Into A Relationship Isn’t The Answer

  1. This is what I needed. I’m not the one to sleep with others when I’m feeling alone and I know I won’t do it now since my boyfriend just broke up with me. But people keep telling me that I need to do things that make me happy but as dumb as it sounds, that’s hard! I was so wrapped up in my boyfriend for a while that I thought being with him was my only happiness. Not healthy, I know. But it was my first relationship and I didn’t really know what I was doing. Thank you for this post though, it was much needed!

    • I’m so happy to hear it resonated for you. I know what you mean that saying “do what makes you happy!” is really vague, I’m having that issue in my professional life actually. So I returned to one of my favorite resources The Desire Mao by Danielle LaPorte. She talks about identifying how you want to feel, then work backwards and do things that make you feel that way. Want to feel loved? What can you do to feel love- volunteered at an animal rescue shelter and play with puppies (this was major therapy for me at one point!), volunteer at a hospital or retirement home, mentor kids… Whatever it might be. Check out her website and you can read her articles and see if that helps you. It’s opening my eyes right now. (And sorry for typos, I’m on my iPad and autocorrect went nuts and now I can’t get back in the middle to fix it…)

  2. Pingback: Are You Missing The Whole Point? | Single Gal Starting Over

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