(Sidenote, I somehow turned this into a “page” instead of a post one day, not sure how that one happened…Apologies if you read it as a “page” that was an accident!)
It’s not like I am lacking things to do. But I feel like I need to recharge my life, and one of the best ways for me to recharge is to do something physical. It makes me feel alive and it gets those endorphins pumping so I feel great.
Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected. Disconnected from people, disconnected from my career, disconnected from my inner fire. It’s like I need to press a personal reset button.
And this is a typical pattern for me. I feel disconnected and tired, and a little lost about what to do. So I usually turn to fitness.
I had a yoga class pass that was about to expire so I have taken 3 yoga classes in the last three days. Plus I had my Muay Thai boxing class. This is more dedication that I have put into something than I have had in awhile.
I wish I could say I feel great, that I feel like a changed person, that I feel refreshed. I feel sore. I feel a little tired. I feel challenged. I feel more at peace.
But I don’t have the high I was hoping for. Maybe this is why so many people don’t stick to resolutions.
I guess I was hoping that I would feel at home somewhere. I’ve had this before, where I take a new class and I feel like I am a part of something plus I am feeling great about myself.
Aren’t we all just searching to be a part of something bigger than ourselves? Looking for a puzzle somewhere that is looking for us- the missing piece. Where we would be welcomed and we would be a part of a tribe.
A dear friend of mine had this experience over the weekend. No one else would have felt right in the situation she put herself in, but it was right for her. She felt completely comfortable, she had a ton of fun, and she found herself staying longer than she anticipated. It’s as if I can hear her glowing through the email.
I love when I get that feeling. We’re all looking for that feeling.
In retrospect, I think that the search for this feeling is what may have led me to codependency in the first place. I’m looking for someone that I fit with. Instead of looking to make myself excited, I would turn to my partner to be that thing that made me excited. When that excitement wears off, I tend to lose interest in the relationship.
So, the problem is bigger than me not working out and getting the buzz I am looking for is that I am looking for an outside influence to heal me.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with joining classes and getting an endorphin high in the meantime of me taking care of myself. But the point is that I should stop seeking the answer outside of myself.
And there is power in that.