I dated my car guy.
On one hand this is fantastic! The relationship didn’t work but we care about each other, so I know he will never lie to me and only suggests work that must be done for my car. He is honest and kind. Hard qualities to find in a car guy.
Hard qualities to find in a guy, period.
On the other hand… oh, all the other hands that have objections.
Let’s just say he has a colorful past.
I learned about part of this past on our first date. It was a deluge of TMI. And the sad thing that I didn’t know at the time (but I had my suspicions) was that it was just the tip of the iceberg.
I will let your imagination run wild. Seriously, let it run really wild because you would not be able to make this stuff up.
But all of that baggage of scary stuff isn’t why we will never seriously date. I will not put myself in a relationship with a person that is so obviously emotionally unavailable.
I think I must have a soft spot for unavailable guys. I think I confuse it for independent. But this time it was so blatantly obvious and that is a deal breaker for me, so I keep my walls up.
I have to have someone that is willing to be vulnerable and willing to connect on an emotional level. That’s a must have. I am such a feeler (my Myers Briggs is an ENFJ, so yes, I feel my way through everything even professional situations), and if I cannot access you emotionally then what’s the point?
I do not recommend figuring out your boundaries while dating. It’s not really something that works in reverse. It’s a good way to learn things the hard way! I speak from experience, obviously.
Boundary setting and deciding deal breakers didn’t happen overnight for me. It seemed like every time I thought I had taken care of it, something else came up and it didn’t fit into my neat categories.
It took soul searching and checking in with myself to see how I felt. Was I happy or upset, was I worrying, did I feel unsafe? It seems to be a continual process.
But that doesn’t mean that the groundwork that has been set is useless. It makes it important, but not a comprehensive list.
It’s important to do this when you’re single, and here are some of the things I considered.
- What absolutely drives me crazy and I cannot stand having it in my life?
- What would hurt me or make me feel unsafe?
- Do I feel like I want to fix or help something get better, that I would be responsible for someone else’s problems?
Deal breakers are major. They’re non-negotiables. What are some of your criteria for deal breakers? What are some of your deal breakers?