That Moment You Know It’s the Beginning of the End

On a happy note before I get into the heavy reflection today, I think I should state that this would be my fantasy- getting to do 7 different types of dance with 7 handsome men, plus costume changes! And then a Soul Train line!

This song still makes me cry. I love the song, very much. It made my list of Top Songs this year. I loved it so I put it onto my summer mix that I gave to my then-boyfriend as we took a mini getaway into the mountains on Virginia.

I thought to myself how could this go wrong? This man wanted to take me away for a weekend. It would be romantic in the mountains! A cabin, great dinner, wine,  and a roadtrip on top of it all!

Oh. What a disaster it was.

I thought that this gesture meant he wanted to move things forward in the relationship. Make it more serious. I brought this up over dinner and I found out how wrong I was.

I spent a lot of time crying. I wish I could say I was drunk, I don’t think that I was. Yes I had a few glasses of wine but I felt pretty put together. I know when I’m drunk. But I fell apart that night.

I think that’s when I knew.

I fell apart because my biggest fear was that he didn’t want a relationship at the time that we met and that he would walk away from what we had.

He confirmed that fear. And I still tried to stick it out after that fact, because I thought I could keep doing a casual thing.

I couldn’t. I guess I didn’t know how to move my feelings backwards from seeing this guy as someone that I could partner with to a guy that was just really cool and fun to be around. He saw that, and he didn’t want me to keep being torn in pain because I wasn’t getting what I wanted. And he felt crappy too, because he was feeling obligated to me. This is what he told me when we broke up about a month later.

But I remember that night so clearly. I remember being angry and really hurt. I remember trying to keep it together at the dinner table and then losing it behind the closed door of our cabin. I remember letting it all out, despite my fears that it would make everything worse, and he stuck by me through it all and was supportive, understanding and patient. I remember the moment when I knew the conversation was over, I felt reassured enough and I suggested a dance party to lighten up the mood.

The rest of the night was peaceful- he played guitar for me on the porch under the stars. We watched Sixteen Candles because it was in the room and he’d never seen it. And following that, the sweet sex that put us both to sleep.

And then I woke up jus a few hours later, unable to sleep next to him anymore. I listened to Quadron on the porch, and cried. Deep, hard sobs. Oh, I was lonely. I was hearing those lyrics through my fuzzy lens. “Hey Love, what is going on here?!” “Why don’t you seem to care?!” Please, oh please, tell me this is as hard as it could be and “the best is yet to come.” “I’ll prove that I’m the one, I’ll prove that I’m the one.” Yes, you certainly have “brutalized my soul.”

I repeated it over and over and I went through a lot of Kleenex. I have no idea if he knew how upset I really was. I sat on the couch and read the Sunday New York Times from my phone with 3G because I couldn’t get Wi-Fi anywhere (damn those mountains I was so excited about 24 hours ago). I went for a walk on the rainy, grey morning.

I was destroyed. I think I knew that it was the beginning of the end. Right there. It was not easy for the next month, I questioned everything. And I liked him so much, I thought it would get better. I thought that it could be fixed.

But in retrospect, I should have known. My gut knew, why do I ignore that? Why didn’t I hear that it was the beginning of the end? Why did I want to keep trying for a relationship that was making me so upset? Why didn’t I dump him- knowing that I was on one path and he was on another?? Why did I have to hear that from him when I already knew it?

I still don’t know. I will probably never know what I do that. That is really hard to hear from your gut- this guy that you like so much and have such a great connection with? Yeah, that’s over because you’re on different paths.I guess I thought I could do the casual dating thing, but I couldn’t. I should have known.

I’m not beating myself up over it, I hope to learn from the past. But I think it is really hard to hear the bad news, even if it is from a source that you completely trust. It’s hard to listen and follow that advice.

The song still makes me cry listening to it. And yes, it really did bring back these vivid memories of pain and disappointment. And I don’t love the song any less for it. I actually think I love it through the pain. And the video with the cute men doesn’t hurt.

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