Hope Hurts Sometimes, And I Don’t Know What to Do

It happened again. I was on the peripheral of a conversation about my ex. And my stomach did the flip flop. Again. It’s been more than enough time. I thought I was moving on. And the flip happened.

So I grabbed one of my friends from the office where the conversation was happening and asked her to take a walk with me. She is a hip mother of two young adults, so I like getting her advice.

I didn’t feel like crying, I explained. I wasn’t mad or uncomfortable. Well, I was mad. I was mad that my body still had a reaction to his name.

I demand to know why! I want to know what I can do to make it stop! Immediately!

So I asked her, “what’s that all about?!”

She wisely answered, “I think that’s hope.”

Oh. Yeah, you’re right. You hit that nail right on the head.

So I asked, “How do I get rid of the hope?”

And she shrugged and said, “Damned if I know. I don’t think it’s really that simple.”

And it’s not. I thought back to other relationships. It was easy when the dude was an asshole and he cheated or did something where he behaved badly and I could hate him. (Well, not hate, but I could at least make him unworthy of my attention)

But this one was different. It wasn’t a bad breakup. I don’t hate him. He doesn’t hate me.

And something about that keeps a little hope in the back of my head.

Dammit.

I thought back to a year ago. When I broke up with that one, I did hang on to that hope for a while. I had a hard time watching football, because I would scan the sidelines looking for him. (He wasn’t a player, he has a vital job at the stadium) I kind of still do. Even after dozens of dates, a few guys that I’ve hooked up with, and one relationship that meant a lot to me.

So that doesn’t give me much hope.

It almost seems appropriate that as I type this The Beatles I Want You/She’s So Heavy is playing in my earbuds. Just my luck. I don’t need the reminder that I want something so bad, yet I just can’t quite have it. And that used it be one of my favorite Beatles songs.

So where does this leave me? Hopeful with no hope of it really going away?

There are many logical reasons that I tell myself why I should give up all hope. There’s an age gap, so we are in different places in our lives. He didn’t want a relationship and I did.

I’m finally feeling really ready to be dating again. I’ve got a couple crushes, which is usually a sign to me that I’m ready to jump back in to the pool. So I can try dating. Maybe it will distract me enough to ditch the hope? It didn’t completely work last time, but maybe it’s worth a shot?

I wish there was a formula. A magic answer. Something to speed up the process. But I suppose I feel that way about a lot of things, just jump to the good part!

Then I need to remind myself that this is the good stuff. It’s all good. Even when it’s not exactly what I expected. It’s all valuable.

Continually a work in progress… Being patient with myself.

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Hope Hurts Sometimes, And I Don’t Know What to Do

  1. Just keep being honest with yourself and others, you’ll work it all out, your a progressive gal, you never stay in one stage too long. 🙂 I just wish I could get a post out period. I changed my theme, check it out but I keep uploading a picture but it’s not there, maybe I’m looking at the wrong page.

  2. Reblogged this on Sometimes I Wear Tiaras and commented:
    “My stomach did the flip flop. Again. It’s been more than enough time. I thought I was moving on. And the flip happened… ‘How do I get rid of the hope?'”
    This happened to me yesterday; sometimes you just have to let it happen. This post is a healthy reminder that we all often feel this way, and it’s okay.

    • Sarah, if you can’t change something, you have to accept it or stay in pain. It’s the same as grieving for a lost loved one who has died. There are 5 stages to grief, it’s not really hope but it could be if your ruminating on what if’s (watch for my next blog coming out today), The stages of the process of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Go back and skim through “The tragedy” or “The rejection” to refresh your mind on what I had to say about grief and pain, remember this too, you have to let the process begin. It sounds to me like your in the denial or bargaining stage but your headed for the depression stage and you can’t go around it, you have to go through it. Sometimes we go back and forth for a while trying to avoid the next to last process. When you get to acceptance, the pain will come and go in fleeting glimpses of what used to be, but it get less painful because now you know you don’t have to stay there. Just write privately pour your whole heart into, say the things you’d never say out loud in company, or on the web and write it don’t type it. There is something about putting pen to paper, write as fast as you can, use a smooth pen, not a ball point, or felt, use a fountain pen, they call them sharpies now or a good smooth gel pen. Flow from thought to thought even if it doesn’t make sense. Your mind will lead you where you need to go. You’ll see because the truth is God wants only for your good, he is pruning youm making you into the person your supposed to be for him. Be patient with yourself, your building character now. Everything I say to you Sarah is “in love”, I really care for you. I read all your posts, e-mails first this morning and I had a few, before I read anything else lest you get pushed aside today. Your important, valuable, funny, single and transparant and I like all those qualities in you. Enough for now. Get back to me.

  3. i’m going through something similar… finding yourself and what you want… what you know u deserve and what kind of love you are looking for. what was doesn’t matter, what is, is what matters.

    you got this! =]

    • Thank you! It helps to hear that other people go through this. One of the worst things about heartbreak is that it can feel so isolating. I sometimes get down on myself because I’m still hung up on some guy. But it’s just a process, like everything else… One step at a time!

      • definitely! its so easy to isolate yourself, but no point staying in a place you know you don’t want to be at in the future. sending you energy to pull through! =]

  4. Reblogged this on iiAdore My Ink and commented:
    Hello,
    I am new to your page and would like to share my point of view about your post. The lessons I have learned since coming to Christ is priceless and would love to share with you. As an unwed mother of four I think i have some knowledge in this area. My first point is I was in a six plus year relationship and had to let go of a lot of hurt. The main point is that I had a soul tie to this person and was led to break it, how you may ask? and what is a soul tie?

    1. soul ties
    A spiritual/emotional connection you have to someone after being intimate with them, usually engaging in sexual intercourse. To the point that when you want to be rid of them from your mind and your life, even when you are far away from them and out of their presence you still feel as if they are apart of you and apart of you is with them, Causing you to feel unwhole, as if you’ve given up some of yourself untangible that cannot be easily possessed again.

    2. How did I break it by being led to write all names of the persons I had been intimate with and then saying a prayer asking God to break every ungodly tie and to restore the wholeness and truth that He has taught me.

    Now I don’t quite remeber how long it took but I do know soul ties are really and that we need to try to stay free from all things that will bind us to the emotions and feelings of another.

    xoxxo
    iiadoremyink

    • Thank you! I like the idea of soul ties, I think that hits the nail on the head. I really only open up with people that I feel a deep connection with, and I think that is probably exactly why it becomes so hard to break. I like your idea of writing them down and praying about it. I haven’t tried that yet. Sometimes it takes some outside help. Thanks for re blogging it!! xox

      • Thank you! Sometimes a girl has to do what girl must do. In the end you will find the right person for you and there is one danger though in you being set free and that’s your blogging theme will have to change 🙂

      • I wish I was dating material but I don’t think I am. I look good, have a nice personality but I’m 58. I want someone else to be around. I guess that’s a companion and if sparks fly then we’ll go with otherwise not so much. Keep writing Sarah.

      • I know how lonely it can feel when it feels like no one wants to date you. I’ve been there. From what I have read, you are a caring, loving,thoughtful person. And definitely worthy of love. Something that helped me was to open my eyes to the wonderful relationships I have in my life already and to take the pressure off the idea of a romantic relationship. Great dinners with friends, treating my mom or sister to a coffee for no reason, holding my grandmom’s hand. The idea came from Gabby Bernstein here: http://gabbyb.tv/vlogging/friendly-romance. Maybe it will help you?
        Oh. And lots of hugs. When hugs aren’t available, cuddle a pet whether it is yours, someone else’s or at a shelter. And if nothing else, wrap yourself tightly in a blanket or lay on the floor. Human beings NEED physical stimulation. A wise and funny woman once told me “you need three hugs a day just to stay sane.” Made me laugh at the time, but it’s true.

  5. Pingback: Reflections and Lessons Learned About Being Friends With An Ex | Single Gal Starting Over

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s