Insecurities Are Kinda Like Mucus

An ex from a while ago called and wants to meet up for dinner.

A significant ex. An ex that broke my heart when we broke up but it was the circumstances really, not because we didn’t care for each other.

I actually said “Don’t lose my number” during the breakup.

(Ugh, I even think I tried to turn that into a joke over how awkward I was. And he laughed. And then he said he wouldn’t.)

So he had been thinking about me. Perhaps it’s because it’s the holidays. Perhaps he’s lonely. Perhaps his job really is beating him down as much as I always worried it would. Whatever reason, he called. And I thought I’d never hear from him again.

It’s Funny How Fast the Insecurities Come Back

I’ve done so much work since the last breakup to work on my insecurities, but I shouldn’t be so surprised when they come back to visit. Or try to set up camp. Like that Mucinex commercial when the mucus unpacks their things to try to move in.

So I guess I need emotional Mucinex? If I could create that, I’d make a fortune!

Back to my insecurities. Despite all the work I’ve been doing, a lot of the same scripts started running through my head.

And I jumped to all the possible conclusions and conversations that could come out of a dinner like this. Every possible scenario ran through my head and I had those imaginary conversations. If he asked X, then what would I say?

And some really weird things came to mind, so I probed into why I was thinking these things. And here are the insecurities that came to mind.

I’m Not Good Enough for Him.

This is one of the biggest lies I have running around in my head.  Especially with this guy. And I don’t know why! He’s handsome, but doesn’t have a clue that he is. He is was sweet, attentive, and doting as a boyfriend.

What’s with my personal story that I have going on that I am not enough? What the hell is that about? It just means I have to continue to work on myself, keep trying mantras (right now it’s “I love myself” courtesy of Choose Yourself)

Why Would He Like Me? I’m Ordinary.

Groan! Why would anyone think this about themselves! It is repulsive to see it in print like this!

Ugh, but it’s true. I even thought this during the relationship. “Why me?!” I wailed once when I was super drunk. Thank god he was too. But he reassured me he wasn’t going anywhere. (And then we broke up a month and a half later. Super) Anyway, it was all soooo attractive, I’m sure.

But it was my honest insecurity coming out. I always worried the real me would scare him away. And he was never scared of the real me. Even in the freakout moment.

And I worried I was boring, bah! A girl with insecurity issues always keeps you on your toes! Look out, you never know what craziness will come out of my mouth or even what it really means!

But seriously, logically I know that I have a lot going for me that would make me great in a relationship, but for whatever reason it’s hard for me to believe sometimes.

He Could Break My Heart Again.

Don’t know why I’m jumping to this conclusion when we haven’t talked about anything related to hearts getting involved. We’re just having dinner.

There was no mention of whether or not either of us is single. There was no proposal of maybe we should get back together. But already in my head I have jumped to getting back together and he’s broken my heart.

One day at a time. Right?

It’s in these moments that I hate that whole thing about “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” Screw the journey, I want to know what my destination is. I want to know what happens.

Yes, sometimes I skip to the end of books to find out how it ends.

I MUST Look Gorgeous.

It’s my own vanity, I know. But I planned an entire look- I will look beautiful but not like I tried. Hair will be straight and down, makeup will be casual. I will wear contacts instead of my glasses, even though my eyes have been itchy lately. Nails painted, legs shaved, eyebrows plucked, sweater dress and boots. I will wear lotion but not perfume because that will be more subtle smelling. Less like I’m trying.

Yep. All planned. In advance. Pathetic much?

Why is it so important to look good? He’s seen me dolled up, he’s seen me incredibly hungover. He’s seen me naked, without makeup and in my glasses. So why bother?

I do no makeup most days, as a trainer I don’t like being that girl wearing full makeup in the gym. I do relish getting to dress up, so it would be a nice excuse. But that isn’t it.

I want him to know what he’s missing. I think I do want him to want me. I want to hear him say I look beautiful.

Yes it’s vain, maybe a little immature. But it is honest. I don’t know if I’ll ever fix that one, I will probably always want to look hot for an ex. And I think I’m ok with that one!

So that’s where things stand with my insecurities. At least I am more aware of them now, instead of the first time when I wasn’t really clear about what was going on or even what I wanted from the relationship.

If I was in a 12 step program, I’d be on step one. Admitting the problem. So at least I’ve got that working for me.

So I will work that step, I will work on remembering that I do love myself, and let the rest fall into place. Or at least, if this were a movie, that’s how it would neatly wrap up!

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8 thoughts on “Insecurities Are Kinda Like Mucus

  1. ah, the joys of the female mind…so complex, yet so beautiful. my dear, it is best to love yourself first, so the guy who you really will want will love you too. It sure is no fun trying to love someone who makes the sky cloudy everywhere they go…no matter how you look, a smile that lights up a room is more attractive than a sexy woman who hates her own company.

  2. I can totally relate to wanting an ex- to see us at our best. I think it’s human nature. 🙂 Your fierce journey of self-awareness makes me smile in the best way possible. Thanks for sharing.

  3. I love reading what you write. I say it again and again, but it’s true. Something that is interesting about beauty and insecurity. I’m wondering if that little bit of insecurity keeps us all the more humble. To me, humility is very attractive. If you walk around in vanity then you could be “hot” but you are the ugliest person I’ve encountered. Chin up my dear. Your story will unfold, it looks as if the plot has become a little more interesting as of late.. I’m excited to see what happens.

  4. I completely relate to that kind of insecurity. Even the “why me?” moment (although I never said mine out loud, but I remember thinking it constantly). Sometimes the hardest thing to see and appreciate is our own value. Thank you for sharing this.

    • I’m glad you could relate. That was one of my biggest hopes for the blog- to say the stuff that sometimes we are afraid to say out loud so that others know they are not alone in those insecure or difficult moments. Thank you for reading, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

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