Warning: shit’s about to get real in this post. If you can’t handle reading some honest vulnerability from me it might be a good day to re-read something lighter like this post about humping in a bathroom or this post about me cultivating a sassier attitude. Or looking up some cute kitten videos. I hear that’s a big thing still.
On to today’s post:
Going with the flow? Being easy going? Healing quickly? Back to normal?
I think I am ready to call it what it really is- denial.
Going through the motions is something I am very familiar with. I am familiar with denying my emotions and slapping on a smile. I know how to keep things going when things are tough for me. I think “I’m the only going through it, why should anyone else have to suffer by listening to me whine or mope?”
Sure they say that Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Well, if it was, I would be Da Queen of Denial.
Yesterday I wrote about keeping busy. I don’t find myself with empty days of nothing often, I am usually so busy it would make your head spin to look at my calendar and my commitments.
This is a technique I learned at a young age. My dad died was I was a freshman in high school. I think it pushed me to be more focused and driven. I didn’t take time off from school or soccer, I went back immediately after the funeral and the wake. I didn’t want to sit around. I wanted to be in my normal routine.
I think that I never fully grieved. The death was a shock. What 14 year old knows how to deal with that? Even with weekly meetings with a counselor, it was still easy to avoid talking about and feeling my feelings. It was so much easier to avoid them altogether because that was far less uncomfortable.
Grieving is tough for anyone to deal with at any age. I was good at burying my feelings, to the point that I didn’t even know they were hidden down there. And I am still good at it 16 years later.
As I’ve gotten older I realized that there is the kind of busy when you’re being productive and working hard. Then there’s the kind when you’re trying to not over think the situation or get yourself stuck in a bad though pattern. And then there is keeping busy to deny your true feelings. It’s a fine line that I walk.
I’d love to say that I have put some systems in place, like checks and balances to make sure I am not avoiding my feelings by staying to busy. That would be so Type A, and so me.
I’d love to say that I have been smart enough to get a therapist to help with this. But honestly, I haven’t. It’s a little scary, it’s uncharted waters.
I’m afraid of cracking a hole in dam that I put in place to manage my emotions.
I don’t have a neat bow to tie up at the end of this post today. Today I think I just needed to confront this head on, and honestly. I will keep you updated with how I choose to proceed.
Thank you for letting me be honest today. I think this is something I needed to say out loud, to see it printed in black and white so I would stop avoiding it. Thank you for listening and for sticking with me on my journal.