Major Red Flag, a.k.a. Humping in a Men’s Bathroom

I ignore red flags more often than I would like to admit. Sometimes you go into a dating situation and you think there is potential. You think he’s cute, we have stuff in common and he’s fun. Then he plans a picnic for the two of you.  You laugh and then make out and then he goes for that top button on your shorts. Woah, wait. This is a second date, I thought…? After much back and forth about where to draw the line and why this isn’t just about sex in the woods for you, you have a good time making out.

I thought the date would be a pleasant afternoon, like this.

I thought the date would be a pleasant afternoon, like this.

I hear all those lines that I thought boys retired after college- “C’mon, I thought we were here to have fun.” “I’d make it worth your while.” “I’m very good at it, and I love going down on women.” These supremely lame lines are not what you would expect from a guy in his early thirties. Not convincing. Men, up your game please.

And then it felt like I was on a date with this dude. Red flag, perhaps?

And then it felt like I was on a date with this dude. Red flag, perhaps?

So you push him off and continue with your PG-13 picnic, because yes you’re here to have fun and yes there is a thrill of doing some naughty things in the woods, but you are a lady with lines drawn. In hindsight, maybe you should have seen all that pressure as a red flag.

On the third date, you do an early happy hour and play skee ball. A bet is made- winner receives a naughty reward in the empty booth in the back. Whatever. Somehow that evolves to a romp in the men’s bathroom. At 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday in a literal hole in the wall bar.

My heart pounded, it was thrilling. It was hot, there was groping and fumbling and a rush of desire- it was just exciting enough for me to agree to it. And then some dude walks in and pees in the urinal for what felt like longer than Tom Hanks’ pee in A League of Their Own. And there I was, perched on top of a dingy toilet seat in 3 1/2 inch wedges.

Longest. Pee. Ever.

Longest. Pee. Ever.

    If I am being honest, sex in a public bathroom has been on my sexual bucket list for a while. There is definitely a thrill involved. But dear god, next time it happens I am asking for the ladies’ room.

     I never dated him again, but because of our mutual interests we’ve run into each other several times. He ignored me. I was stumped. Not that I wanted a reprise of our afternoon rendez vous, I’m happy to have that in my past. But still, doesn’t a mutual parting of ways after semi- decent sex at least warrant a “hey, how’s it going?” in social settings???

     And then I found out the reason. He got engaged two months after our tryst.

     Two months? Oh, I have so many questions!!! Was I being auditioned for a position as lover in an open relationship? Or stranger yet, for a three some? Was he blowing off steam, and god forbid, cheating on the poor girl? Were they on a Ross-and-Rachel style break?

      At least I know why he acted so strangely around me, even if I never know why he was such a creeper, with such lame lines. And what was the perfect storm of that situation created something that led me to say yes in the first place???

     Is this really what I get for trying to get back into dating??

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8 thoughts on “Major Red Flag, a.k.a. Humping in a Men’s Bathroom

  1. Wow, guys are such cretins sometimes, geez.

    I hear you, though. I hate dating. It’s all novelty until it’s not and somehow that shift coincides with the moment things begin to slide downhill. Then it becomes a long trial-and-error period on where you both decide whether or not the other is worth the efforts required to maintain a relationship,

    So glad he really pondered his decision so thoroughly!

  2. I just loved every single word, I found my self in some of the things u wrote about. In the end it’s just a page on your book, until u find the cover u have to practice a little, even if it’s with man that doesn’t even seem from the same species we are.
    Tx for your words.

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