I’ve been on a movie kick lately. And not the kind the have the happy ending were boy meets girl and they fall in love and live happily ever after as the credits roll. I’ve been watching movies about girls in their late twenties-early thirties trying to figure it all out. Because that’s what I’ve been doing.
Is It Just a Late Quarter Life Crisis?
I have a dream to write- books, movies and plays. I want to be involved in the creation of these mediums. I’ve loved it and been enchanted by it my whole life. I love the story telling part. I yearn to create something meaningful that speaks to my soul and the souls of others. I want to speak and share my personal story and travel.
I have been walking a hard path for the last two and a half years, trying to figure myself out and trying to work freelancing and I just don’t know if I have the strength to keep it up. I love the freedom, I love being able to write during the times that work best for me. But it is incredibly stressful when you’re not sure how the bills are going to be paid. Will I make enough this month, or how can I make just a little more?
And it’s frustrating when other people my age are so settled- they can go to the grocery store and buy the things they want. They can save for a vacation and retirement. They can go out to dinner. I am barely scraping by.
There are so many stories out there of the people that live their dreams. Mastin Kipp lived in a tiny pool house that belonged to his ex-girlfriend’s mother. Talk about awkward. But he lived there while he got his life together and launched The Daily Love. Now he coaches others, inspires, writes… it’s basically my dream life. And these movies, like the one I just finished called Frances Ha. Greta Gerwig refuses to get a day job and creates a work from her passion to dance. Who knows if that paid the bills. It’s a movie.
Do I Sell Out?
I hear that Lena Dunham basically got 4 hours of sleep because she would work, write, work, write and that was every day for her. So she kept a job to pay the bills and kept her passion to non-work hours. Now she is an inspirational power house.
I am considering taking a 9-5 job. In the evenings I could write and make theater. I was originally thinking that I would continue to train clients but I am now asking myself if I should give that up so I have more time to work on my passion? That would be incredibly difficult because I have made new commitments to two studios and new clients. I don’t know just yet.
Defining Who I Am
When we first meet someone usually one of the first things we get asked is “What do you do?” So many of us allow our jobs to define who we are. And I know I’ve been guilty of that.
I know the script going through my head. “I’m a personal trainer and that means I must be fit, I must eat well, I must be enthusiastic, I must have the answers, I must workout and be strong.” I let my job define me. And I let the role of a freelancer define me.
I love the freedom in freelancing. I love the possibility. But I am afraid I jumped into that life too soon, too fast. I had very little safety net, and I thought that would help me push and fight harder. I thought I would want it more because I needed it.
Am I Weak?
And the hard choice is that I worry that I am giving up and that will change who I am. Does that mean I am weak? Am I a sell out?
We do the same thing with relationships a lot of times. Or at least, I do. I meld into the person. I let that person bring out a part of me. Sometimes it’s a really good part. I feel more alive or more creative or funny. And then I identify with that and then identify that with the relationship. I worry that will go away when the relationship ends.
I fight so hard for that relationship to work, for the guy to stay, for us to work. Maybe that’s why, because I am worried I will lose myself.
And I’ve done work on myself, I’ve spent time alone meditating and reflecting and praying. I think and analyze a lot. I think I’ve got myself down and that I can handle loving another person because gosh darnnit I love me. *toothy grin*
And then it all falls to pieces, and then the relationship doesn’t work and I fall to pieces.
Being single and being in a sort of career crisis is an opportunity. An opportunity to define me.
Maybe I over-think it. Maybe it’s one of those things that is really easy and I just need to settle in and let it be and I will figure it out. Wouldn’t that just be Murphy’s Law? I spend all this time looking and it was there all along.
I know I will figure it out, I know I am worthy.
Do you have similar struggles with defining who you are? How do you define yourself? How did you come to the conclusion? Let me know in the comments below!